(Can you smell my apprehension through your screen?)
As I sit here in my rain-leaking, garbage infested basement at work, scarfing down my Annie’s Mac&Cheese, I’m staring at my screen thinking, “Would I actually do this?” “Make my own blog?” “Put something out there for anyone to possibly.. maybe.. potentially.. actually… read?!” …..Why am I doing this!?
Over the last few years, I’ve become quite a big blog follower – but I’m not proud of it. Don’t get me wrong, I think the people behind the blogs I follow are wonderful, strong and courageous, and the reason I follow their blogs is because in them, I find a great deal of comfort and inspiration. Yet, I’ve always said that I never understood why people would want to document their entire personal lives – each meal they eat or their hour by hour “day in the life” schedules – to the rest of the world. Don’t people want a little privacy? But maybe, it’s the other side of the coin I should be more interested in understanding. Why is our society (me included apparently) seemingly so interested (obsessed?) with WANTING to see into the daily lives of people we don’t even know. What did THEY eat for breakfast? Did THEY exercise? How do THEY spend their day? From both sides, it’s whack. And sometimes I’m not sure if it is healthy. We are now a society that seems so petrified of privacy. We are scared to be with ourselves. We long for attention. We long for any way to feel even a little bit less…. alone.
And so, on the outside… my ego judges. But as I’m learning, my ego is a sly, bratty, naive little devil. When it comes down to it, I understand. And I am the same. We are lonely. In such a massive world, surrounded by billions and billions of others just like us… we are still lonely. We want validation. We crave support and encouragement and someone to say, “Wow. You are amazing.” And I don’t think we’ll ever stop craving it. No matter how many supportive friends we have, or no matter how many blog comments we receive, we will forever have a little hole inside us that is waiting to be filled just a little more. It’s what we are made of…. We are made of holes.
If making blogs has become our ‘shy’ way of connecting with each other, asking for attention, reaching out for encouragement and support, and opening ourselves up to show all of our messy, brutal, and beautiful truths…. then hey, at least we are doing it. If we can’t seem to find the strength to open our mouths and actually ask the ones we love for help, or to ask the stranger sitting next to us at Starbucks how they are feeling today, or to take off that mask we wear on a daily basis telling the world, “I’m fine”… then maybe this is okay. We all have needs. We all need to share and connect and feel like we are special, like someone actually wants to spend time learning about us and hearing us out. We all need it, and we all deserve it.
This is why I’m here. I journal, I express myself in different creative ways, and I have a supportive family who I can talk to… and yet lately I’ve been feeling this itching sense that these things just aren’t enough. Journaling doesn’t invite in the rest of the world. Journaling doesn’t share all my beautiful thoughts and discoveries and struggles and learnings with the rest of the world. I just… I just want to share. I want to share so that I can, maybe, also help.
So, hi. Welcome to my, er, “blog.” This will be my place. My little tablespoon of the web to document my journey. To record things I’ve read or heard that have touched me in some way. To record things I’m learning. To record my feelings and confusions and struggles and triumphs and to give myself a freakin, “good job, girl… you are FIERCE”…especially when I’m too scared to ask anyone else to say it (aka all the time… I’m working on it). I won’t be sharing details of who I am. But I do promise that this is where I will be 150%, balls-to-the-wall honest. I just hope that through my honesty, maybe someone else will be able to see themselves a little clearer too, and that maybe, together, we can start saying a little, “hey… me too.”