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Current Thoughts On Food and Working Out

 

So I started back to working out this week. 

Well, ok, I was never completely not going to the gym.  I was still going, on occasion, over the last number of months, but my visits were so unfocused. Most of them were just walks on the treadmill or bikes on the stationary bike as a means to read my scripts or let my mind wander.  I would do some occasional all-over body work outs, but I never planned what I would do in advance, and they were usually based on repetition, lower weights, and brain pudding blahs. I just decided what moves felt good to me in that moment and would do them. Doing this helped clear my thoughts. It gave me an hour to just kind of, let my mind sort through what it needed to. I usually left with new ideas or some new clarity. So that was fine. Mentally, I feel like these sessions helped. But physically? They were doing nothing. Maybe they weren’t backtracking my progress in my health/weight journey, but they sure as heck weren’t progressing it. 

Over the last couple weeks, I’ve had some interesting shifts of thought. 

 

Where I Have Been With Food:

 

See, I haven’t tried to gain weight since the end of last summer. I marked the end of the summer with this post, outlying all the steps I knew I had made with food and my recovery. I’m happy to say that all these steps have stayed. The food fears I challenged that summer have become more and more frequent, to the point that I honestly feel I am in a good place with food “fears” in general.  I don’t see food as good or bad. I see all foods as having something beneficial for us. Yes, even you white wheat

However, even though I feel like I’ve been eating well – and heck my tolerance for relaxation has grown exponentially –  there has been no weight gain since the end of the summer. 

I haven’t wanted to. I haven’t tried. If I had wanted to work at gaining weight, there would have been much more struggle. 

Proud that this is now part of my “normal eating”

Since the summer I have fell complacent to the stage I am in. I’ve learned that I can sit a lot and eat a pretty normal day of eats and that that does not mean I will gain weight. Even all my cinnamon buns, scones and late night brownies have consciously been in an effort to support a normal, healthy diet – not a weight gain diet. Don’t get me wrong, continuing to work for “normal eating” has been very important and has continued to be work each day.  But that “work” has become stagnant. 

The other week, however… I felt that little voice inside me perk up for the first time since August. That little thought that maybe… maybe…. its time to start trying again?

I feel I am in that quasi-semi-recovery stage where I feel relatively normal. The “what’s” are rarely the struggle. Rather, it is the “how much-es.” Conquering food fears is the first big step. But that step won’t actually make for weight gain, as much as our thoughts try to tell us. It’s the amount of food in a day that is the next big step that needs to be taken. The step that I feel, maybe, I’m almost ready to take…

 

Though I may not follow Canada’s Food Guide, it has been feeling really good to focus on getting in all the food groups

 

Am I Ready?

 

I don’t know?

I feel like I’m standing right at the edge of a stair. My toes even hanging off. I’m SO CLOSE to taking that step off and just going for it. But something… as usual… is holding me back. Something in me just doesn’t feel quite ready to just go for broke and jump in.  Something in me is still waiting for that validation that says, “yes… you should.” Something in me still  does not trust my own judgement. Something in me is still waiting to find an ally to stand beside me on this journey. 

But as these thoughts continue to percolate, so have my thoughts about working out. 

 

My Thoughts and Hopes for Working Out

 

I decided this week to get back to planned work outs, focused on muscle and strength gain. No more of this random cardio toning stuff. I was just going to give it a try and see how it felt. 

So the other day I did a leg work out, and it felt so…. good.  It was short. It was focused.  I felt controlled. I felt strong. 4 exercises, 4 sets. I focused on weight and form rather than adrenalin. I was safe and did not let anxiety take the reins. Unlike my previous gym sessions, it actually felt like I was working toward something, and that I was taking care of myself through it. 

I would like to try a 3 day split, focusing on specific muscle groups each day. I want to actually keep track in a notebook so I can continue to keep my eyes on progress and gains. 

Now that I write this, I do feel nervous. Maybe this isn’t a good idea. But, I’d like to try. If it feels wrong in my gut, then I will have to stop. 

I would really love to work with a personal trainer. I think it would be really good for me in terms of accountability and keeping me from getting out of control. Not to mention connection rather than isolation in the gym. But a) I don’t think I can afford one and b) I would really need to find someone who I trusted and that really understood my specific circumstances. I would need someone who understood that I am wanting to gain, and not lose weight. I would need someone who understood that I need to learn that less is more, and that I have trouble believing “enough is enough.” They would need to know my history in going too far and doing too much. They would need to take this seriously and really make me trust that the plan they make for me will work toward strength gain

 

How Has This Changed My Thoughts On Food?

 

With this new goal to start strength training again, my thoughts on food have changed. These last couple workouts I’ve had have left me feeling so strong and empowered that I want to give my body the proper fuel it will need to make those workouts work. Unlike in the past, I do not want to see workouts as a way to burn calories or validate what I put in my body, but rather, I truly feel like I want to surplus the energy I expend with fuel to make me stronger

 

Is This Ok?

 

I don’t yet know? Like I said, I do feel nervous as much as I feel excited. 

Some people are probably going to feel very against what I’m saying here. 

But I also know that many people have continued to be active even while trying to gain weight. If the addictive mentality has been worked past, I do think physical activity can empower one to progress in their recovery. It gives that feeling of strength and confidence that can work in a positive way. 

I feel like my mentality has shifted so much in this past year  – like I said, I can sit on my bum all day long now without guilt. Right now I do feel safe in beginning this new regimen. Which also means I have an eye on those signs for when it is not feeling so safe. 

 

So…

 

I’m not yet saying, “here we go.” I haven’t yet decided to take plunge off the stair and say, “yes, I am going to start trying to gain weight again.”  I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. But I do feel really… really… close. I guess its scary to say it because once I say it, I have to go for it. But there is something about these thoughts that is also making me feel… excited.  The thought of gaining weight is starting to fill me with more feelings of right and compassion rather than wrong and fear. 

Linking in late for some Thinking Out Loud. 

Tell me,

Does strength training make you feel empowered? Motivated?

Have you ever continued with physical activity while “needing” or wanting to gain weight?

 

36 COMMENTS

  1. Susie @ Suzlyfe | 3rd Mar 17

    Sending you all the love. Sometimes we need a little break from being in “recovery” mode. You needed to reach a new normal and equilibrium! But you have grown so much. Something I always tell myself when I am trying to gain weight and resisting is that “you must do something you’ve never done before in order to do something you have never done before.” That gives me comfort, because I know that the changes aren’t necessarily permanent, and it takes any fear out of the equation–it is like assuming a role for a bit.
    xoxoxo
    Susie @ Suzlyfe recently posted…High Protein Allergy Friendly Cauliflower Crust (Gluten Free, Vegan Option)My Profile

    • Cora | 3rd Mar 17

      Reminding myself that changes aren’t necessarily permanent does help me… even if maybe sometimes that isn’t the best way to look at it. If it works in the moment, then that’s all that matters. And yes – I did need to reach a new normal – it was a big step that needed to happen and I’m proud to see that I’ve gotten there.

      Being someone who thrives on your athleticism, I’m curious to know if your running or times at the gym actually help motivate you to move forward in your health and give your body what it needs. Do you think it has aided in your health – mentally AND physically? Or does it just make the “other things you have to do” harder?

  2. Heather @ Polyglot Jot | 3rd Mar 17

    Good luck! It’s awesome that you are feeling more ready to conquer another step in recovery! I fell in love with strength training about 2 years ago. I was always one of those cardio queen people who loved/hated cardio and never did anything with weights. Now, I feel so much better and stronger by focusing on strength!
    Heather @ Polyglot Jot recently posted…Foodie Friday: Chickpea “Tuna” Pasta SaladMy Profile

    • Cora | 3rd Mar 17

      Focusing on strength and heavy weights can make you feel SO badass. Strong and unstoppable. I will always prefer that over cardio. Though a good dance session can make you feel just as good….

  3. Kat | 3rd Mar 17

    I love your thoughts in this post girl. You are so open and honest with yourself. You have this desire to push forward and do more, yet you understand your limits and fears [and those are very validated!] and are wary to push too far. I can appreciate that. Just remember how much GROWTH you’ve done and all that you’ve beaten – you are a superstar girl. Pull from all of that and you’ll find that that the next step is a lot easier than you thought <3
    Kat recently posted…Why I Won’t Let My ED GoMy Profile

    • Cora | 3rd Mar 17

      I really loved your podcast with Emily the other week, Kat, and how you consistently write about your love of and relationship with exercise. I feel like you are an example of how athleticism/strength training can be a motivator and HELP in the recovery process – to learn to love your body and give it what it needs to be strong. And for that – for your damn OX strength – you inspire me. I’m curious to know more about your experience. How did you transition to strength training in a way you knew was SAFE and not taking you back in your recovery? Do you think it is okay to strength train during recovery?

  4. Emily Swanson | 3rd Mar 17

    Strength training can be SO GOOD, especially as opposed to cardio for recovery. I think it really does remind you that your muscles NEED fuel; and eventually that translates to the way you treat your body after doing cardio too. Strength training will grow those muscles God gave you, and you definitely need to feed those muscles. Just take it one step at a time; don’t push to do all the things at once. <3
    Emily Swanson recently posted…How One Runner Found Food Freedom In An Unusual Way (Podcast #9)My Profile

    • Cora | 3rd Mar 17

      Thanks for this Emily. I believe so, and I hope I discover it to be true. I’m not sure if it will end up doing what I hope it will… it may be too hard, physically… but I want to try, safely, and be honest with myself through the process.

  5. Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar | 3rd Mar 17

    Ah, Cora. It is so tough, with all the amazing gains you have made in recovery, that you haven’t had much luck gaining any actual weight. It was relatively easy for me to get back into a “normal” (for me) weight range in recovery, and it’s hard for me to imagine what it must feel like to have done all this hard recovery work–which you have done, amazingly–and still at a weight that seems too low for you.
    As for the working out, wouldn’t it be wonderful if there were physical trainers who specialized in helping folks recovering from eating disorders have a normal relationship with exercise, the way there are dietitians who help folks have a normal relationship with food. But yeah…personal trainers = expensive. I’m so glad that the workout you tried felt *good* to you. I hope it continues to do so.
    You are such a brave and awesome woman, Cora!
    Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar recently posted…Caterpillar Crawl: February 2017My Profile

    • Cora | 3rd Mar 17

      It is tough, Joyce. And because nothing seems to be working OR not working, I feel like just throwing my hands up, trying something new, and risking the results. I’m tired of feeling guilty or scared for doing things that make me happy, or then doing what I want but having it backfire on me and my health. I guess that’s just recovery in a nutshell, isn’t it? I’d like this to work…but to be honest, I don’t know if it will.
      That WOULD be super nice. In ED recovery programs they don’t even talk about physical activity – other than… don’t do it. It would be smarter for them to implement talk about safe physical activity as well, rather than a black and white mentality of “don’t do it.” Sorry if that comment was kind of dramatic. This post has left me feeling pretty raw.

  6. Sarah @ Bucket List Tummy | 3rd Mar 17

    I don’t know if this will be helpful for you, but a client said to me the other day, “I don’t have to think about losing weight every day.” I think it can go the other way too, in that every day doesn’t have to focus around gaining weight. Some days will be harder than others, but I think if the days where you are committed to it or at least fueling your body for it outnumber the other days, then I see that as progress. Also, having the viewpoint to fuel your muscles for exercise is a positive mindset any way you look at it 🙂
    Sarah @ Bucket List Tummy recently posted…Separate Yourself from FoodMy Profile

    • Cora | 3rd Mar 17

      This was such a nice comment to read. It was helpful. Thank you, Sarah. It reminded me that I can continue to have compassion for myself, regardless of the stage I’m in and attempts I am making.

  7. Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets | 3rd Mar 17

    I don’t know how I feel about this. I can see why it would be dangerous, given your history, to try and really get into physical activity again. At the same time, I understand how helpful it can be for our mental health to work out. It sounds to me like you’re approaching it with your eyes wide open and cautiously and that’s really, really smart.
    I would say you should push yourself on the weight gain more so than the activity, especially since the latter could detrimentally impact the former. That being said, you do you and I’ll support whatever you decide.

    As always, I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability.
    Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets recently posted…Week in Review: The Little Things (#72)My Profile

    • Cora | 3rd Mar 17

      I don’t know either, Meg. This was honestly a really weird and scary post to actually put out there both because of my own concerns, and the concerns or judgements I worry I may get from others. I guess, I’m letting it be what it is right now, because of the new sense of re-motivation it has given me. I haven’t felt this since last summer. Exercise can make me feel strong, which in turn makes me appreciate my body in new ways. But, if I were to be completely honest with you? A large part of me knows it won’t work. I am worried that I will discover – once again – in a few weeks that I simply can’t exercise in the way I would like to and still get to the health that I need. There’s a high chance physically my body just won’t be able to do it. Its a sad thought, and a place I’ve been before. So I guess right now I’m just holding on to this motivation to fuel with a new motivation behind me, and then if I see it backtracking my health, I know I will have to stop. I hold your support very closely.

  8. Ellen @ My Uncommon Everyday | 3rd Mar 17

    I’m currently having a super hard time with some parts of my body needing a break from exercise, but other parts not being able to handle the break. That is, my hormones are out of whack, but not working out – and even easing back significantly – kind of makes my pain issues unmanageable, which makes me unproductive (hence, I’m currently reading blogs instead of studying because I can only focus for short periods of time…). Zero ideas how to work this situation out and definitely seeking professional guidance ASAP because the last two days have been awful. Anyway, I’m a little tired of pushing the weight gain thing and I’d just like my body to chill out and be happy already.
    Eek. That was a fairly negative comment. Sorry about that. I thinking gaining is important – you know that – but I’ve also experienced weight gain *with* exercise that I’ve never come close to without. As long as you’re honest with yourself (and maybe do have some doctor supervision?), I think you’ll be okay.
    Ellen @ My Uncommon Everyday recently posted…My First Half Marathon (+ Weekend Recap)My Profile

    • Cora | 3rd Mar 17

      Oh Ellen, that is so tough!! Not negative at all… just the truth. I do not experience physical pain like you mention, but I do absolutely understand the push and pull of some things feeling good when you don’t exercise and some things feeling WORSE. For me physically, I get sore and stiff and just so tired. That doesn’t help the mental effects I am already feeling with increased lethargy and depression. Have you found any sort of interdisciplinary type of exercise that keeps the pain away but is still gentle on the parts of your body that want a break? What about your yoga? I really hope you seek out some professional guidance to get this discomfort and pain talked about. And if one person doesn’t know… you go find someone else.
      As for your final comment – thank you. I’m nervous, and honestly I don’t know if my body will let this work, but it’s really nice for me to hear that you had success in the past with weight gain AND exercise.

  9. Megan | 3rd Mar 17

    I think that you have a great mentality toward physical activity and strength training! I recently wrote a post on approaching exercise from a disordered mindset vs. a caring about health mindset that you may like <3 it really is such a fine line but I feel that you do have a good mindset going in

    • Cora | 3rd Mar 17

      Hi Megan. I found your blog after I listened to your interview on Emily’s podcast. It’s absolutely wonderful. Would you mind sending me the link to this post??

  10. Ellie Pell | 3rd Mar 17

    I think this is a great new thing to try Cora. As you’ve not been in a weight gaining with weight training form of recovery before, this might actually work for you. I find that when I ramp up training, I try to feed my body well because what’s the point of all the hard work I put in without results? Food fuels those results right? I think if you make it a focus, like “I must eat because I want to train.” Then it can be both motivating and decrease your anxiety.
    Kudos and good luck!
    Ellie Pell recently posted…The Crucial Element in TrainingMy Profile

    • Cora | 3rd Mar 17

      I really needed to hear this, Ellie. Thank you. I’m feeling pretty worried, raw and embarrassed about putting this out there… so your open mind of optimism is really appreciated. You are right. I haven’t tried this angle of things before, or at least not since being in a much healthier mindset. Now, I do see it as a motivator to eat more. I know that “more” may be more than I can get to and that it just may not work with my body, but right now, I just want to try.

  11. Casey the College Celiac | 3rd Mar 17

    I know that exercise helps me reduce stress and, since I often lack an appetite when I’m stressed, that helps. And when I started weight lifting, my appetite definitely went up so that was a bonus! I just hope that working out will be another way you can enjoy yourself, regardless of your other goals!
    Casey the College Celiac recently posted…#Glutenfree Monthly Favorites: Vegan Potato Soup, Online Gluten Free Expo & More!My Profile

    • Cora | 3rd Mar 17

      Oh thank you Casey. I really needed to hear this support. I’m worried and embarrassed for speaking about this, so this made me feel a lot better. It IS a way for me to enjoy myself, and I’m tired of not doing that because of my “other health needs.” Exercise reduces my anxiety, my stress, revs my appetite, and makes me appreciate my body more. So there’s got to be a way that having more of those feelings in my life can help me in my journey to health. I know it may not work, but I’m holding on to the thought for now.

  12. jons | 3rd Mar 17

    good

  13. liz | 5th Mar 17

    I don’t have any past of an ED, but I’m a naturally super small person. I just started back on trying to gain weight after losing a ton of weight after having a baby (I’m lighter now than pre-pregnancy, just by a pound of two, but still). I had a stress fracture keeping me from really working out, but I’m just getting back in the gym post-injury and am trying to gain. It’s a shift going from focusing on my kid 24/7 and what he’s eating and remembering that I need to eat better too! My diet isn’t balanced. I eat so much crap. I’m actually working with a PT for the first time and I think it’s kind of pointless, but they definitely understand that my goal is to gain weight. I have to lift heavy to gain weight, but at the same time, I’m sort of over lifting super heavy. I’m tired of taxing my body so much and want to make sure I’m being active in a way that can last a lifetime. I remember when I was 105lbs (my goal now- I was 96.8 yesterday when I got the gym first thing in the morning) and lifting super heavy ALL the time, and somebody older than me (and wiser) told me that lifting how I was wasn’t actually sustainable. I brushed it off, but now many injuries later (oddly enough, none of them were during heavy lifting sessions), I realize it was totally true. So I’m trying to gain weight mostly based off diet this time around, but it’s hard because I’m just not hungry enough to EAT THAT MUCH! But I’m trying. I think people don’t understand how hard it can actually be to physically gain weight (and I don’t even have emotional concerns related to it). People ask me why I go to the gym when I’m so small, and that is why. Gaining muscle is the ONLY way I can even get over 100lbs…
    liz recently posted…Jackson: One YearMy Profile

    • Cora | 7th Mar 17

      Yep yep and yep. Its blasphemous how hard it can actually be to gain weight… when the majority of society seems to be so positive that “this one cookie will go straight to my thighs.” True for some, perhaps, but in general you need A LOT of food. And I absolutely know how hard this can be, especially when the hunger is JUST NOT THERE. Ugh I wish we could go for a coffee and rant about this together. So as I see it, we have to find some sneaky ways that work. Do you like smoothies? I don’t, but I know they would be an easy way to get some extra good – and still really healthy – calories in. And then you pee it away an hour later and you’r hungry again! I think it is great you are working with a PT, even if it feels pointless right now. He is going to be that person that is making sure you are performing a regimen that CAN be sustainable and not cause future injuries. I’m so glad I found your blog. Thank you for commenting and sharing your current journey Liz. Please keep in touch.

  14. Dee | 5th Mar 17

    Cora, I have been there too. I am anxious to follow you along on your journey. It has been really motivating for me to be well informed of the health dangers of a low BMI. More and more news is coming out everyday on it too. I’m not just talking about the basics, I’m talking about low weights being tied to cancers, heart disease later in life, dementia, bone health etc. When a person actually hears the nitty gritty, its not so easy to coast along (which I’m very guilty of as well) I was always aware of the basic broad statements-highest risk of death from cardiac problems, osteoporosis. When I actually heard more about the dangers of coasting along at a weight maybe just underweight but not critical, then I could relate more. For instance, someone once shared a story of a young woman just stepping wrong off a curb and breaking a bone because of osteoporosis-living at a low weight for years. I do know that when I’m underweight, I don’t realize how off my mental function is until my weight is up too (even though I think i’m fine). In terms of working out, I totally feel you. I couldn’t give it up either but I think it’s FABULOUS that you’re working on strength training. I think thats going to be wonderful for your bones while you recover and as you age. I know endurance cardio is in my past. Not only did I have a very unhealthy relationship with it, but I don’t think it’s a healthy exercise for me anyway (some people handle it better than others). BEST OF LUCK and thinking of you!

    • Cora | 7th Mar 17

      Its really scary, Dee. Unfortunately I let my brain numb myself away from, and forget about, a lot of the dangers. Especially when I am so used to living in this body that everything, honestly, feels “fine”… its hard to feel that they apply to me. But then the reminders come back, and scare me. Thank you for your encouragement. I do think strength training can have a lot of benefits for me – hopefully good for my bones but also really good for my body confidence, mental strength, and self love (as corny as that sounds). I’m curious to know your experience… did you ever try strength training when underweight?

  15. marti @fitwithheart | 5th Mar 17

    i am in a similar situation and would LOVE an accountability partner! you should reach out and email me at marti.hoekstra@gmail.com or add me on facebook!!

    • Cora | 7th Mar 17

      Marti! I am soooo happy you commented so that I could find your blog. It seems we have quite a bit in common. And good gosh I would love an accountability partner. I will be coming to your blog from now on and have liked you on Facebook. Please also feel free to email me anytime.. about anything.

  16. Kristy from Southern In Law | 6th Mar 17

    I have definitely gained weight whilst working out – it just means eating a heckuvalot more because your body needs it! For the past 6 or so months I haven’t been working out at all though for different health reasons and that has really made me realise how much I loveeee it and long to get back to it. But we always needs to listen to what our body NEEDS in that moment!
    Kristy from Southern In Law recently posted…Recipe: Ham, Cheese and Asparagus FrittataMy Profile

    • Cora | 7th Mar 17

      This was really encouraging to hear your experience – thank you Kristy. I’m sorry to hear you haven’t been able to do something you love, but as you say, distance can make the heart grow fonder so when you CAN get back to it… oh boy it is going to feel so much better than ever before!! Just keep letting your body heal so you can return in full glory.

  17. Evangeline | 6th Mar 17

    Mindset is everything, and it seems like you’re going into this, or at least dipping a toe in, with a cautious, gentle mindset. Working out, running especially, has been a really powerful part of my recovery, but there are definitely moments when I still abuse it. That makes me sad. But…I feel like I’m in a place where I can recognize the abuse and take a step back. I’ve had to do that a few times, and it’s always humbling. Anywho, your nervousness is good sign because it shows how seriously you take recovery. I know you’re thinking a lot about this, but just know that even if it doesn’t work out quite how you want it to, that’s okay. It’s the whole “regression is apart of growth” thing that we have to remember.
    Evangeline recently posted…Week in Review: The Art of the InterrogativeMy Profile

    • Cora | 7th Mar 17

      It’s really important to recognize how exercise is/can be a powerful motivator, in a good way… but that it can also still be the catalyst tempting you back and getting abused. Its such a fine tricky balance to try and ride. But if we stay mindful and know these two possibilities, hopefully we can stay on the look out to make it stay on the more positive side. I’m happy for you that running has been a help to you, even if it’s been a tricky spot on some occasions.

  18. Dee | 8th Mar 17

    Hi Cora! Yes I did try strength training while underweight. To be brutally honest, I think it helped me gain weight but I do think I still have a disordered relationship with it. I was addicted to cardio for years but it got to a point where physically I couldn’t keep pushing it and then I started to get serious about recovery so I took up more gentle approaches to exercise. I struggle to keep body intuition – like if I’m tired sometimes I still lift when I need rest days. However, compared to the exhausting abuse of cardio that I put myself through, this seems to be a major improvement. I think it has helped me. I have put on weight and currently in the “normal” range (I just recently weighed in for the first time in a while) and I do feel much stronger. One thing I can say from my experience is to keep it simple. Following a particular program has been disastrous for me. For instance, I tried the 21 day Fix (fitness side-they have an eating plan too) and I became completely obsessed with keeping up with it despite how my body felt (also lots of disordered messages being said throughout the tape). The best approach I’ve found for myself is to do different YouTube videos that are maybe 10-30 minutes and switch it up. Like I said, I get a little obsessive w/having to do them but they are much gentler on me than a program or the endurance exercise that I abused in the past. A personal trainer would be wonderful but I have a hell of a time finding one cued into all of our concerns. One woman I talked to had no response when I explained that I didn’t want to do intense workouts because I struggle to keep my hormones in balance. I knew it wouldn’t be a good fit. Also, I don’t know how I feel about spending a lot of money on fitness. For me, it seems to be better for my body and mind if I just keep it simple. Lifting some weights, walking etc. I’m still a work in progress so can’t wait to follow you and learn what you find to be working! One more side note-after waiting so so long to regain my period, I lost it on the 21 day fix. My body is super sensitive to excessive fitness.
    I can SOOOO Relate to everything in your response. I have gotten used to my body at dangerous/critical points. I think it’s something we have to accept about ourself and know that we must take that leap of trust and faith in someone and/or something other than ourselves. We have to trust. That doesn’t come easy to me. For the longest time I was walking around with a hemoglobin of 7. I couldn’t even climb a set of stairs w/o becoming breathless and exhausted and guess what?! I actually went to the doctor for an entirely different reason because to me that had become Normal! It’s so crazy to me now looking back at it. Even when we think we are in a good place sometimes, we must trust in that little voice that our mind has these tendencies to play tricks on us and we must trust in what we know to be true and lean on others for some help and steering.

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