I deleted my initial WIAW post and am starting a new one. Because…. well I just need to get real right now.
Yesterday was so not a good day. This week, in total, is not a good week. I’ve gotten “jacked up” again, as Glennon Doyle Melton – one of my favorite inspirational women/writers – once put it. In fact, she says it all better than I could…
“Most honest folks with food/body/God/shame/etc. issues will tell you that it’s just the same damn thing, over and over. That you just fall down seven times and get back up eight. So I came here today to say: You guys. I got a little jacked up again. And I’m in the middle of the mess now. I’m not at the ball. I’m scrubbing floors: wondering why everyone else gets to dance and make it look so easy. I’m a little angry that I’m STILL DEALING WITH THIS SHIT. It’s exhausting, to tell you the damn truth. And embarrassing. But it’s real. The before it’s fixed part is real. ” link
Yeah. She said it.
On Monday, I got really triggered. I won’t go into details, but basically something happened with my schedule this week that is extremely frustrating. It is limiting. Unnecessary. Unreasonable. And just plain
stupid silly (I really try not to use that word). I feel like my time is being taken away from me and completely wasted, and that I am having to do things that are completely unnecessary. I’m still kind of in my emotional mind right now so I realize a lot of this sounds very strange. This feeling of not being able to do what I want leaves me feeling trapped and claustrophobic… like all my control has been taken away from me. Its convoluted and is connected with some traumatic episodes in my past. It brings on fear, but this fear is immediately expressed as intense anxiety and anger. And then, all I want to do is take it out on food and exercise. I urge to go to the gym, but then I can’t because of my entrapping schedule that’s been placed upon me. Which then makes me even more enflamed.
So yesterday, once I had the surprise that my day plan was being taken away from me for less than desirable reasons, I got angry. I got rowled up. I drank coffee. I didn’t have a snack. I came home and cleaned and organized and distracted myself all the ways I knew how before eating. I ate – but I made sure there was no wheat. I sent a snarky text to Dan and didn’t respond to his messages for a couple hours. I didn’t talk to anyone. I did some writing – which helped – and then I went to bed late. Defiant and still angry. And then I woke up…
I’m still sharing my What I Ate Wednesday post today, because it is important for me – especially in these moments – to celebrate food and remind myself how good these eats made me feel. This was my day yesterday – Tuesday – the day after.
I woke up, and I did a workout. A 30 minute online full body workout. Yeah. It was just last week that I told you I didn’t even remember the last time I had worked out in the morning. Guess I can’t say that now.
After the workout, I felt pretty emotionless. But I didn’t feel angry or anxious anymore. So, it worked. As I knew it would. That’s how dangerous it is.
Cauliflower Cornmeal Pizza Crust / 2 Fried Runny Eggs / Tomato
For breakfast I had two slices of my Cauliflower Cornmeal Hemp Pizza Crust that I shared with you yesterday. I had made an extra just to use for whatever reason – like with runny eggs. This was soooooo good. I’m still amazed, and pretty proud, of how light yet sturdy this crust turned out. Not like your average mushy cauliflower crust at all.
I didn’t think I should have a sandwich. I knew the dinner I wanted included wheat and wheat is the food I restrict. But, the loaf on my table was still fresh, I had just bought some more veggie meat – which I’ve totally become a fan of – and I knew sandwiches are just easiest to grab when I don’t know when/where I’ll be able to have my lunch. So rationality won.
Yves veggie salami / Havarti / Hellmans’ Mayo / Ketchup / Tomato / Spinach
On my break, I sat down and focused – really hard – on some of my own audition/monologue work. Which I really love doing. Sometimes it can be hard to get myself to start but once I get into it, I know it can totally shift my mood. I didn’t want to be sitting and I didn’t want to be eating anything, but I decided to put a blind eye to those voices and focus on what I knew was important.
Apple + Milky Chocolate Tea
I made Suz’s Copycat Vegan Chorizo on the weekend – a total winning recipe – and since having it, I was salivating at the thought of making it into a Sloppy Jo. I love sloppy joes. Of any variety… lentil… meat… jackfruit…
Vegan TVP Chorizo Sloppy Jo / Steamed Broccoli
So I gave myself a damn Sloppy Jo. And it was absolutely delicious.
By this time, I’m starting to feel a bit more calm. I’m still very angry at the week – a number of different things about it – and I don’t see that going away. But I’ve softened and am able to at least… accept it. It is what it is. I don’t like it. Infact I hate it. But there really is nothing I can do about it. At least I can sit down and give myself chocolate. A little form of a self hug in the evening.
Right now, I guess I just feel a little broken at the fact that this is how I react to these situations. Food and exercise are where I go to when my emotions are triggered. As Glennon put it, I’ve found myself once again scrubbing the floors. I got jacked up. I listened to my emotional mind and I dealt with it in less than healthy ways. I’m still feeling triggered and the fact that I can’t give in to my coping mechanisms to make it all go away is making it very hard. But I’m also looking back at my day yesterday – how I reacted, the anger I felt and how I wanted to deal with it – and trying to feel some compassion. I really loved the food I ate today. So instead of letting that make me feel guilty or more angry, I’m reminding myself how damn good they were and how good each one of them made me feel. Because they did.
We all have our ways of dealing with stress or anger. But my hope is that we – I – can learn to see the anger for where its really coming from and let myself sit there – instead of this flight or fight response that my mind takes me to.Getting Jacked Up. Falling Back in Recovery. Letting Our Anger Take Over. #recovery #eatingdisorder #copingmechanism Click To Tweet
Do you have a habitual reaction to anger or stress?
Are you aware of when you want to deal with anger in an unhealthy way?