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WIAW: Getting Jacked Up

Hey guys,

I deleted my initial WIAW post and am starting a new one. Because…. well I just need to get real right now.  

Yesterday was so not a good day. This week, in total, is not a good week. I’ve gotten “jacked up” again, as Glennon Doyle Melton – one of my favorite inspirational women/writers – once put it. In fact, she says it all better than I could…

“Most honest folks with food/body/God/shame/etc. issues will tell you that it’s just the same damn thing, over and over. That you just fall down seven times and get back up eight. So I came here today to say: You guys. I got a little jacked up again. And I’m in the middle of the mess now. I’m not at the ball. I’m scrubbing floors: wondering why everyone else gets to dance and make it look so easy. I’m a little angry that I’m STILL DEALING WITH THIS SHIT.  It’s exhausting, to tell you the damn truth. And embarrassing. But it’s real. The before it’s fixed part is real. ” link

Yeah. She said it. 

On Monday, I got really triggered.  I won’t go into details, but basically something happened with my schedule this week that is  extremely frustrating. It is limiting. Unnecessary. Unreasonable. And just plain stupid silly (I really try not to use that word). I feel like my time is being taken away from me and completely wasted, and that I am having to do things that are completely unnecessary. I’m still kind of  in my emotional mind right now so I realize a lot of this sounds very strange. This feeling of not being able to do what I want leaves me feeling trapped and claustrophobic… like all my control has been taken away from me. Its convoluted and is connected with some traumatic episodes in my past.  It brings on fear, but this fear is immediately expressed as intense anxiety and anger. And then, all I want to do is take it out on food and exercise.  I urge to go to the gym, but then I can’t because of my entrapping schedule that’s been placed upon me. Which then makes me even more enflamed. 

So yesterday, once I had the surprise that my day plan was being taken away from me for less than desirable reasons, I got angry. I got rowled up. I drank coffee. I didn’t have a snack. I came home and cleaned and organized and distracted myself all the ways I knew how before eating. I ate – but I made sure there was no wheat. I sent a snarky text to Dan and didn’t respond to his messages for a couple hours. I didn’t talk to anyone. I did some writing – which helped – and then I went to bed late. Defiant and still angry. And then I woke up…

I’m still sharing my What I Ate Wednesday post today, because it is important for me – especially in these moments – to celebrate food and remind myself how good these eats made me feel. This was my day yesterday – Tuesday – the day after. 

WHAT-I-ATE-WEDNESDAY-NEW-BUTTON-PEAS-AND-CRAYONS

Breakfast:

I woke up, and I did a workout.  A 30 minute online full body workout. Yeah. It was just last week that I told you I didn’t even remember the last time I had worked out in the morning. Guess I can’t say that now. 

After the workout, I felt pretty emotionless. But I didn’t feel angry or anxious anymore. So, it worked. As I knew it would. That’s how dangerous it is. 

egg-cornmeal-breakfast anger

Cauliflower Cornmeal Pizza Crust / 2 Fried Runny Eggs / Tomato

For breakfast I had two slices of my Cauliflower Cornmeal Hemp Pizza Crust that I shared with you yesterday. I had made an extra just to use for whatever reason – like with runny eggs. This was soooooo good. I’m still amazed, and pretty proud, of how light yet sturdy this crust turned out. Not like your average mushy cauliflower crust at all. 

egg-cornmeal-breakfast anger

Lunch: 

I didn’t think I should have a sandwich. I knew the dinner I wanted included wheat and wheat is the food I restrict. But, the loaf on my table was still fresh, I had just bought some more veggie meat – which I’ve totally become a fan of – and I knew sandwiches are just easiest to grab when I don’t know when/where I’ll be able to have my lunch. So rationality won. 

yves-sandwich anger

Yves veggie salami / Havarti / Hellmans’ Mayo / Ketchup / Tomato / Spinach

Snack

On my break, I sat down and focused – really hard – on some of my own audition/monologue work. Which I really love doing. Sometimes it can be hard to get myself to start but once I get into it, I know it can totally shift my mood. I didn’t want to be sitting and I didn’t want to be eating anything, but I decided to put a blind eye to those voices and focus on what I knew was important. 

apple-snack anger

Apple + Milky Chocolate Tea

Dinner:

I made Suz’s Copycat Vegan Chorizo on the weekend – a total winning recipe – and since having it, I was salivating at the thought of making it into a Sloppy Jo. I love sloppy joes. Of any variety… lentil… meat… jackfruit…  

tvp-sloppy-jo anger

Vegan TVP Chorizo Sloppy Jo / Steamed Broccoli

So I gave myself a damn Sloppy Jo.  And it was absolutely delicious. 

Dessert:

By this time, I’m starting to feel a bit more calm. I’m still very angry at the week – a number of different things about it – and I don’t see that going away. But I’ve softened and am able to at least… accept it. It is what it is. I don’t like it. Infact I hate it. But there really is nothing I can do about it. At least I can sit down and give myself chocolate. A little form of a self hug in the evening. 

pear-chocolate anger     Pear/ Lindt Dark Chocolate Caramel Sea Salt Bar

Right now, I guess I just feel a little broken at the fact that this is how I react to these situations. Food and exercise are where I go to when my emotions are triggered. As Glennon put it, I’ve found myself once again scrubbing the floors. I got jacked up. I listened to my emotional mind and I dealt with it in less than healthy ways. I’m still feeling triggered and the fact that I can’t give in to my coping mechanisms to make it all go away is making it very hard. But I’m also looking back at my day yesterday – how I reacted, the anger I felt and how I wanted to deal with it – and trying to feel some compassion. I really loved the food I ate today. So instead of letting that make me feel guilty or more angry, I’m reminding myself how damn good they were and how good each one of them made me feel. Because they did. 

We all have our ways of dealing with stress or anger. But my hope is that we – I –  can learn to see the anger for where its really coming from and let myself sit there – instead of this flight or fight response that my mind takes me to.

Getting Jacked Up. Falling Back in Recovery. Letting Our Anger Take Over. #recovery… Click To Tweet

Do you have a habitual reaction to anger or stress?

Are you aware of when you want to deal with anger in an unhealthy way? 

 

47 COMMENTS

  1. Casey the College Celiac | 26th Oct 16

    I definitely know where you’re coming from. Exercise and baking are my go-to stress relievers, and sometimes I can do too much of the first. I also know about having a crappy week (I just killed my brand new computer by spilling water on it Sunday night). But life will continue – and we’ll continue to kick ass!
    Casey the College Celiac recently posted…Unique Gluten Free Products to Upgrade Any Smoothie BowlMy Profile

    • Cora | 28th Oct 16

      Oh my gosh… I’m so sorry about your computer! That down right sucks!!! But you are right… we just have to keep showing life who’s boss. You’re pretty darn inspiration miss Casey. Thank you.

  2. chasetheredgrape | 26th Oct 16

    You said it all when you said that you need to give yourself some compassion. These days and sometimes weeks happen. They are horrible and cruel and we feel like we aren’t in control. But then we reflect, we show ourselves some kindness, we forgive and we move on. Progress can only happen if we can be kind and forgive ourselves.
    I am having one of those weeks where I feel like I am getting absolutely nothing done. Little work, time flies and I get frustrated. But I have to show myself some kindness. Maybe I need a flow week where my brain just wonders. Maybe my body needs some down time. It’s hard but I have to allow it to happen and move on. Maybe tomorrow I will be more productive!

    • Cora | 28th Oct 16

      “horrible and cruel and make us feel like we aren’t in control…” ding ding and ding. You say it all perfectly.
      I guess its pretty naive of us to think that all our weeks will go in our favor. There are bound to be awful weeks. We just have to push through them, forgive, and move on to the next. Thank you for the reminder Jen. Your productivity will come when it is supposed to happen. I believe right now maybe other things are supposed to take president… or there is something the world is trying to tell you.

  3. Susie @ SuzLyfe | 26th Oct 16

    I like to remind myself, and everyone else, that we get “jacked up” for a reason: and that reason is to remember what it is like to be jacked up, in that terrible place (whether it is with an ED or otherwise), and to recommit to moving forward. These are the moment that make you stronger, yes, but that is because they make your commitment stronger! Realizing, acknowledging, and moving forward? LOOK AT YOU! That is awesome. Look at it as a victory, not a defeat!
    Susie @ SuzLyfe recently posted…Fall Non Running Activities to Try During Marathon RecoveryMy Profile

    • Cora | 28th Oct 16

      You know, I’ve been thinking about your comment all week. How these times happen in order for us to see and learn and reflect. I am learning and seeing some things much more clearly “this time,” which only proves that each time this happens, we learn even more and can progress more forward.

  4. Sarah @ BucketListTummy | 26th Oct 16

    I think you have to just let yourself feel what you feel (didn’t you write an amazing post about that?) 🙂 There will be hiccups and bumps in the road, and sometimes it takes some time to adjust to things happening out of our control. Some form of exercise, even if it’s just a walk, usually helps me deal with anger/anxiety too. All of your meals do look damn good. I’m so glad you just ate what you wanted, wheat or no wheat!
    Sarah @ BucketListTummy recently posted…What I Ate WednesdayMy Profile

    • Cora | 28th Oct 16

      There is definitely power in letting ourselves feel what we feel. I think the problem is when something like anger is used to cover up what we are really feeling (sad, scared, embarrassed etc). It can be hard to know what we are actually feeling. But regardless, letting ourselves feel that without making it go away with coping mechanisms is the true goal. There will always be bumps. So many many many bumps. Thanks for the reminder Sarah.

  5. Liz @ I Heart Vegetables | 26th Oct 16

    Hang in there, girl! This stuff isn’t easy but you’re strong and you’re bouncing back! I hope your week is on the up and up 🙂
    Liz @ I Heart Vegetables recently posted…Tone It Up Meals: Week 3My Profile

    • Cora | 28th Oct 16

      Thanks Liz. It is. Doing this writing really helped.

  6. Heather @ Polyglot Jot | 26th Oct 16

    I get like this with worrying and being anxious. I let scenarios I cant control replay over and over and over and it makes it worse! I’ll be thinking of you as you sort things through.
    Your day of eats looks amazing–what a great idea to have that crust with runny eggs!
    Heather @ Polyglot Jot recently posted…WIAW: Fallish SundayMy Profile

    • Cora | 28th Oct 16

      When we know something is out of control, its amazing how we can still let it fester and fester and take over our brains. Its like we think if we keep stressing about it, somehow it will be in our control…… but it won’t.

  7. Melis | 26th Oct 16

    I need to be better about managing stress. Work is stressful right now, & I find myself not always dealing with that the greatest way!

    • Cora | 28th Oct 16

      I think its a life long challenge for all of us. Something to continually work towards. I hope you have found some kindness to offer yourself this week!

  8. suzanne | 26th Oct 16

    Thank you for your honesty and authenticity….you describe the humanness of life….when we are triggered it is just our psych/soul (or whatever your preferred term is) telling us that that issue is there and needs some attending to. And we will always have those triggers – as my mentor says ‘until you are walking on water, you will be triggered’….and so far, I have not met anyone who can walk on water – so we are all in this together! Each time you go back to that place, you are not where you were before – you have not lost all you have gained – you are just being reminded and are having a bump which is further along in your journey than it was before. I am so glad you nourished yourself with food and enjoyed it even! And maybe your schedule not allowing the exercise that day, was actually a gift from the universe – forcing you to cope in other ways (though that may be hard to see until you are further away from this trigger)….anyway – kudos to you for working thru it, being honest…I hope the next week is more positive and bright for you 🙂

    • Cora | 28th Oct 16

      Suzanne, you always offer me such perfect wisdom. Thank you so, so much for reading and helping me.
      I’ve been thinking about this comment all week. How even if it doesn’t feel like it, each time “this happens” I’m not in the same spot I was before, and each time offers up more clarity and learning as to why this happens and why I want to react the way that I do. It can feel like I’m back at the exact same spot, but already I can see how my awareness is so much stronger this time, and the softness I feel as I come out of it is even softer than the previous time. Thank you again.

  9. Patricia @Sweet and Strong | 26th Oct 16

    Hoping that this feeling and situation is only temporary. It’s so hard when some things are out of your control. But good food and cooking are two ways I find myself feeling happy and it looks like you had some delicious meals. I am CRAVING a sloppy joe now!
    Patricia @Sweet and Strong recently posted…Feels like Fall, Weekend HighlightsMy Profile

    • Cora | 28th Oct 16

      Good food and cooking are such comforts to the soul. I’m so glad I know this and we celebrate it together.

  10. Morgan @ Morgan Manages Mommyhood | 26th Oct 16

    Go you for reminding yourself how you felt IN THE MOMENT of eating. I think that is the best outlook to have. Also, YES to all of the sloppy joes. I think I know what ‘m having for dinner tonight. 😉
    Morgan @ Morgan Manages Mommyhood recently posted…Comment on What I Ate Wednesday: Happy Pumpkin Day! by CoraMy Profile

    • Cora | 28th Oct 16

      Its definitely not something I would have let myself feel a couple years ago. So yes, I see this as a pretty wonderful progression. What a sad thought to not have enjoyed ALL THE SLOPPY JOES!

  11. Kat | 26th Oct 16

    Oh honey, I totally feel you here. Sending you a big, fat virtual hug [along with a steaming latte ;)]
    I get angry at any sort of change in my schedule. I am a VERY routined person. I have a set plan and follow that plan and when it gets throw off course, it sends me for a loop. I don’t know how to adjust. It takes me a while to adapt. I typically will take it out on my body in some way – spending hours in the gym or my garage doing set after set of burpees, thrusters, squats, pushups – anything that sends my heart in my throat and leaves me gasping for air. It’s the only thing I can control in that moment, so that’s how I react.
    As I get older I can see that it is God’s way of nudging me to learn to let these things go, breathe through it and just LIVE. We allow these tiny distrubances too much power over our lives and its just not worth it.
    I hope you continue to flourish, adapt and find strength in moments like these girl. I’m thinking of you and I’m [as well as everyone else!] in your corner cheering you on <3
    Kat recently posted…[WIAW] Play With Your Food, Don’t Let Your Food Play With YouMy Profile

    • Cora | 28th Oct 16

      Kat, your support in sharing your own personal testimonies is always so unbelievably appreciated. Thank you.
      You hit it on the head – when we feel threatened and like we’ve had our control taken away from us, we become desperate for anything that will make us feel like we’ve gotten that control back. In comes exercise. Sweating it out makes us feel like we are getting back what we “deserve.” To me its almost a feeling of “showing the rest of the world who’s boss.” Plus, the physicality and sweating calms us with the endorphins and takes away all those hard feelings we have…. which is what is so so addicting.
      Anyway. You are right. Letting those little things take over us and lead us into abusing OURSELVES just makes no sense. How does the world get that much power over us?! Sending you so much love, as always.

  12. Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar | 26th Oct 16

    :'( I have a couple of thoughts, but first of all I want to say I’m so sorry. You’re right–it is discouraging when we feel like we’re doing so well in recovery and then we’re reminded that restriction and exercise is how we deal with bad days. We’re here for you!
    Don’t be afraid to use the word stupid. Sometimes stuff is stupid. I would never use it to describe a person, but a situation or a decision, certainly.
    Second, you were able to recognize your anxiety and still eat fear foods–like wheat for your delicious-looking sandwich–despite the anxiety. That’s such a key component of recovery. Sure, we want to learn to overcome the emotions, but before we get to that step, sometimes we have to just learn to eat despite the emotions.
    Third, workouts are a blessing and a curse. One of the reasons I have certain set exercise days in my schedule is that it actually helps me get the benefits without dealing with the guilt if it’s not an exercise day.
    Finally, I haven’t had a pear in so long because they’re one of those high-FODMAP foods that particularly aggravates my tummy. I miss pears so much–they used to be my favorite fruit. 🙂
    Hang in there!
    Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar recently posted…WIAW: The Heroes Among UsMy Profile

    • Cora | 29th Oct 16

      Thank you Joyce. Yes, I think I’m in that middle stage where – I still get triggered and let emotions that I cannot feel I can handle take over – but I’m now able to pludge through them (even though I hate it) and eat fear foods or not restrict. Most of the time. It sucks and takes work, but I know this is step more far forward than I was a year or two ago.
      Aw boo to pears :(. What about an asian pear!? Same thing? What about apples?

  13. GiGi Eats | 26th Oct 16

    That cauliflower pizza bread looks AMAZINGGGGG!! A must try. Just need to go get myself some cauliflower!!!! 😉
    GiGi Eats recently posted…Munching The Med: Part One (from Athens to Santorini)My Profile

    • Cora | 29th Oct 16

      It is really good!

  14. Emily Swanson | 26th Oct 16

    I totally get upset about a change of routine, and lately the Lord has really been convicting me that it’s okay if things don’t go exactly according to my plan, because He does work out everything for good in my life. I know that maybe it doesn’t sound like something that helps, but the light of God’s saving work in my life has really changed me more and more every day; He truly calms my heart and reminds me that He is in control, even when I feel like everything is out of human control.

    And I really have to watch that the emotions don’t affect my eating, because of habits I had so long ago. Our bodies need the nutrition; our minds need the nutrition no matter how we feel. <3 Wish I could be there to hug you and share struggles. I know that the struggle is so real Cora. <3 you so much.
    Emily Swanson recently posted…WIAW: How to SMASH those Fear FoodsMy Profile

    • Cora | 29th Oct 16

      Thank you, Emily. Each time we go through one of these episodes, I really believe we learn something new and see something much more clearly than we may have “the last time.” These hard emotions are so awful, but they can teach us so much and push us to progress even further forward than we were before. Thinking of you – and for all the times neither one of us will let an emotion dictate what we eat!

  15. Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets | 26th Oct 16

    One of my favorite things about you is your openness and your honestly. I really feel like you are a wonderful example and role model for the ed community. You acknowledge the struggles without letting them defeat you. You talk about reverting to past ways after a rough day or encountering a trigger and that is totally normal, ed or not, and I applaud you for talking about it. Posts like these these really help others going through the same thing. Plus the fact you recognize exactly what’s happening and can openly talk about it is amazing. You are doing much better than you think.

    Applause. Standing O.
    Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets recently posted…Crunchy Oven Baked Sweet Potato ChipsMy Profile

    • Cora | 29th Oct 16

      Thank you, Meg. This really means a lot. I do see that recognizing what is happening/when these things happen to me and clearly seeing how I want to react is a big sign of progress. I may still react this way now, but I think this step in just being aware of it will, at some point, lead to an even bigger progression.

  16. Dani @ Dani California Cooks | 26th Oct 16

    It’s a process. I wish we all weren’t so hard on ourselves!. You’ll have good days and bad days but I think overall you’re trending upward 🙂
    Dani @ Dani California Cooks recently posted…Double Pumpkin MuffinsMy Profile

    • Cora | 29th Oct 16

      I wish we/I weren’t so hard on ourselves either!! Something we all need to continuously work for. Thank you, Dani.

  17. Stephanie Leduc | 26th Oct 16

    Despite everything going on with you, I will forever be in awe about how transparent you are with your feelings. I can FEEL through your blog how you are feeling at the moment, and that’s a gift in itself.
    I hope everything gets better, I hope you find the strength to cope in the ways you were taught. You are so hella strong that I have no doubts you’re gonna bounce back from this better than ever.
    Stephanie Leduc recently posted…Easy Lunch Idea: Herb, Beet and Goat Grilled CheeseMy Profile

    • Cora | 29th Oct 16

      Thank you, Steph. Every word of this means so much.

  18. Kate | 26th Oct 16

    Girl, I feel you. Turning a blind eye is sometimes the best thing to do. Our emotions can be so irrational that they sometimes need to be ignored. Especially if they are brought on my ED.
    I’m hoping you can find some peace deep inside- it’s in you.

    • Cora | 29th Oct 16

      Especially then they need to be IGNORED. Can be really hard to do… as I know well… but I think the more we try the easier it could be.

  19. Ellie Pell | 27th Oct 16

    Oh babe I’m praying for you. I hate it when my schedule gets changed that just seems inefficient for my lifestyle. The lack of control in conjunction with the silliness just makes my skin crawl. Fear not Cora, you will find a flow in this time and start to relax. I believe in you :-*
    Ellie Pell recently posted…I Started A YouTube ChannelMy Profile

    • Cora | 29th Oct 16

      Ugh you said it all perfectly. It makes my skin crawl – but I need to learn to not let this get to me.

  20. Kristy from Southern In Law | 27th Oct 16

    Oh you poor thing 🙁 I hate when my schedule gets messed up as I’m a serious control freak, however, in recent years I’ve learnt that I kind of have to go with the flow as I’m never in control of everything (especially my clients – I don’t know WHAT schedule they run on but it does not make sense!).

    I’m praying for you, sweet girl – and know I am ALWAYS here if you need to vent!
    Kristy from Southern In Law recently posted…Recent Things: Beesy, Beesy, BeesyMy Profile

    • Cora | 29th Oct 16

      There really is no such thing as control, I think. Its this fabrication we have in our minds – like perfection. The goal is to alleviate this need for control and just go with the flow of life. Something we all need to continuously work toward. Thank you Kristy <3

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  23. Kaylee | 1st Nov 16

    THIS THIS THIS is exactly what I needed to read, Cora. I’ve been feeling very apathetic and passive recently. I lack motivated and feel resigned. It’s no fun. No fun at all 🙁

    When I get stressed/jacked up, I start to control my life more. I start to plan and think and plan and think. It is awesome that you are able to not only recognize your triggers as they come but also your typical reactions/responses to them. Awareness is the first step (or so I remind myself).

    On a more positive note, that pizza crust looks de-lish! 😉
    Kaylee recently posted…Week In Review: Overthinking & UnderdoingMy Profile

    • Cora | 1st Nov 16

      It sounds like you also incredibly aware of when you start to yearn for that sense of control. Its crazy how we feel we can get that control by over thinking and planning and getting ourselves into fits of anxiety. When really, it does the complete opposite. I’m glad we can be in this journey together. Continued learning!!

  24. Audrey | 20th Dec 16

    I know this is an old post, but I’ve been looking for some motivation (ED-wise) lately, and this saved me from spending another four hours on Pinterest looking at food recipes and comparing myself to super fit bloggers who run marathons (in full jacked mode). I just wanted to say thank you for writing this blog and being honest about recovery. I’ve been in the recovery process for five years now, and no one tells you how hard it will be to stay on this path, especially when work, education, family, and relationships collide. I’m sorry for the stress and frustration of whatever happened, and I hope you are doing well.

    • Cora | 2nd Jan 17

      Dear Audrey,
      This is the reason I blog. Not just for the mere hope that I may help others going through challenges and life struggles, but because simply hearing back from readers like you helps ME entirely. Thank you for commenting and sharing a piece of your story. Last night I got into one of those “in my head” funks where I went over my last 6 years and realized how long I’ve been struggling with this and living in recovery. It got me down. But I’m trying to keep just looking forward and seeing how far I’ve come. I hope you can do the same. You aren’t alone… believe me… and if you ever want to chat/rant/talk, I’m just an email away with open ears. <3

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