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Friday Favorites #2: Highs that are Lows and Lows that are Highs

Anyone know what I mean when I say a “low” that is also a “high?” I feel like during a time of recovery – which as I’ve said before is really a time of discovery – a lot of our “highs” and things that we know make us happy deep down may, in the moment, also feel like a low. I touched on it in this post where I mentioned that creating a life you don’t want to run away from – aka creating happiness for yourself – may actually take work and not feel so “happy” in the beginning.

I am recovering from an exercise addiction. It is not something I speak about on this blog. Or much of anywhere to be honest. I speak about my eating disorder, yes, but there is a block that is keeping me from speaking about the exercise component of my disorder. Which, if I am completely honest, is the greatest demon I am facing. Why do I not talk about it? 1) Because it is what I find most embarrassing 2) Because for some reason I feel like the “eating” part of eating disorders is more talked about and therefore a little more “accepted? understood?” and 3) Because it is more active and hidden than my restricting and I am finding it the hardest to let go of. One day, when I feel like I have come out the other side a little more, I hope to speak about this more. 

I just wanted to premise the beginning of my post with this notion, because I feel like a couple of my “highs” from my week were also my “lows.” When you are recovering from an addiction, NOT going to your coping mechanism can fill you with a sense of compassion and freedom. You know that you listened to what you truly wanted (and not your disorder) and so this is a huge step toward that life you don’t want to run away from. However, as I mentioned, this can also fill you with just as much – if not more – sadness and grief as the positive emotions.

In any case, I am going to begin my second “Friday top 3” with these two “high” and “low” categories. This is Kate’s new link up and I think it is just so lovely. Run over to her blog to join in. 

Top 3 Highs:

  1. Choosing rest. Coming home every day after work – something which I never do for fears that are too complicated for this post – to sit outside in the sun and just blog and read and sit. 

outside laptop 2

2. Physically pulling out my plays and carving out space – during this new found time before dinner at home – to do more research work for my script. 

plays at home

3. Sitting on my BFF’s deck for hours as the sun goes down talking and releasing and feeling so much better than I did that same morning. 

Top 3 Lows:

  1. Choosing rest. In the moment, these afternoons felt weird, but good. I had a bit of discomfort and anxiety arise as I sat and relaxed, but was able to use my enjoyment of my blogging and script writing to beat them away. However. After the third day, I woke up and suffered from one of the darkest days of depression I’ve had in a while. It became too much. 
  2. Feeling claustrophobic. I’m really struggling with the notion of all my time being taken away from me – too many hours being spent at work plus obligations to friends and family (or, rather, my own guilt for not spending as much time with them and my guilt for saying “no”) – and not enough time to do all the other things I want to do. Even puling out those plays, as I mentioned doing, just made me realize how little time I have. Very much bringing back the feelings of this post, “Reaching Control Amidst a Multitude of Passions.” Luckily starting next week I will be able to work less hours, and I am going to be welcoming this option at least until I can reground myself. 
  3. Training others at work. I’ve been training new employees for two straight weeks now and it is just exhausting. It’s like working two jobs at once. I’m doing my own job and being responsible for running the cafe, AS WELL as trying to teach and instruct someone else to do things all. day. long. I’ve been martyring myself every day – “do you mind just….oh no it’s okay! don’t apologize! it’s probably my fault anyways…..” and my introverted self is just breaking down

 

Top 3 Eats:

  1. Bagels. Sadly, there are no places in my town that offer “speciality bagel” options besides Tim Hortons. I started with the Four Cheese bagel last week and have plans to make my way through all their “special” flavors. This week was Sundried Tomato Asiago. Definitely not as good as the Four Cheese. 

asiago bagel

I need to get spreadable cream cheese….

2. Baked Oatmeal. I’ve been craving baked oatmeal for over a week, but it was Heather’s food prep post that finally gave me the push to get. on. that. I made my favorite recipe which I learned from Kate herself (halving this recipe replacing the oil with an egg). I also followed Kate’s suggestions and broiled it WITH the peanut butter ontop – I’ve never had a mini convection oven before so this was my first opportunity to do so! AND, this was also my first time trying my recently acquired Barney Butter. Huge amounts of wins all around. 

baked oatmeal

That drippy peanut butter thing?… On. Point.  

3. Liberte Yogurt. The number of years I’ve spent not touching this stuff… well, what a shame. Not only is it freaking delicious, but its been the best thing (tied with ice cream) to go down with my current digestive discomforts. I will go through each and every one of the flavors this summer, thank you very much. 

liberte yogurt friday favorites highs

Top 3 Reads/Finds

1. Home to Your True Self: A How-To Guide via Positively Positive

Basically this article outlines everything I wanted to say, or missed saying, in my “Creating a Life You Don’t Want to Run Away From” post

“…This lack of connection can come from many sources—like distracting ourselves with sex/drugs/alcohol, the busy-ness that comes with raising a family, feeling stuck in a dead-end job, or staying in an unsatisfying relationship…. But who you hang out with is less important than making a personal commitment to carve out regular chunks of time to spend with your true self…..I’ve made a commitment to myself to consistently carve out time to go “home” every day. This time is sacred, and I take it very seriously. This is a commitment I’ve made to nurture that part of me that is wild, instinctual, true, and strong. The great thing is that after I do these practices, I return to the world with renewed energy to go about my daily life.”

2. Shatter the Facade: 5 Brave Acts to Rekindle Vulnerability Via Rebelle Society

“It is impossible to find balance while wearing a façade. We all hide ourselves away in some fashion so as to protect our precious souls from the onslaught of the whip-fast whirlwind of the world. …..Deep down inside you crave intimacy yet you fear you are not wanted, your supple soul unworthy. You long to be soft, beautiful and complex. You wish so ardently to be held, caressed and told that everything will be okay. Hold on to that shred of truth. You are still human and there is time to rekindle your vulnerability.”

3. This. Via House Of Fifty Facebook Page

REMEMBER HER?

 

I will be away most of the weekend without time to blog, so I am thinking this post will also be standing in for my usual Week In Review.  But I’ll be back on Monday to root the rest of you on in your weekly accomplishments. 

Thanks for the link up, Kate and Meg!

Tell me,

Do you ever catch yourself martyring? Maybe in order to “be liked” or avoid conflict? It’s exhausting, isn’t it.

Do you ever experience a “high” that at the same time feels like a “low?”

 

 

27 COMMENTS

  1. Kristy @ Southern In Law | 10th Jun 16

    You are doing so well, my friend! I know it probably feels like one step forward and ten steps backwards – especially with feeling down – but you’re making those steps forward and that’s what counts!

    Sending hugs and prayers your way! xo
    Kristy @ Southern In Law recently posted…Recent Things: Cartoon Heroes, Food Obsessions and Fashion InspirationMy Profile

  2. Kristy @ Southern In Law | 10th Jun 16

    PS: I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling depressed sometimes I just need a chat to lift me out of the funk. If you ever need someone to chat TO, don’t hesitate to message me! Even if it’s the middle of the night – the good thing about living on the opposite side of the world means that that doesn’t matter! 😉 xo
    Kristy @ Southern In Law recently posted…Recent Things: Cartoon Heroes, Food Obsessions and Fashion InspirationMy Profile

    • Cora | 14th Jun 16

      Kristy.. thank you. Thank you so much. This means a lot.
      And yes, it does feel like 2 steps forward 5 steps back. But I’m working hard to focus on the steps I am making and different things are now.
      <3

  3. Sarah @ BucketListTummy | 10th Jun 16

    I can see how training others at work is exhausting and stressful, but that means a lot that they chose you for training! You must be a great role model (Obviously, I wouldn’t dare think otherwise). I know what you feel about obligations to others, feeling like time has been taken from you and just wanting more time for yourself to keep up with your hobbies. It sounds like this summer is just a time of adjustment all around, but when you find the time to just sit outside and have a picnic or read blogs, you feel happiest, so I would urge you to keep prioritizing that time for you! I eat yogurt all day every day and I have not tried Liberte – this might just be my sign to go get some. Have a great weekend, my friend! 🙂
    Sarah @ BucketListTummy recently posted…Charlotte Restaurant Spotlight: 204 NorthMy Profile

    • Cora | 14th Jun 16

      I will definitely be prioritizing these things. Especially as the weather continues to get nicer. The sun does wonders for the soul :).
      Get on that liberte yogurt girl!

  4. Heather @ Polyglot Jot | 10th Jun 16

    I always struggle with feeling like my time is taken away from me. I get overwhelmed when I know I have to go many events and things coming up…even if they’re fun things!

    So glad you made some delicious baked oatmeal!!!
    Heather @ Polyglot Jot recently posted…Foodie Friday: Veggie Stuffed TomatoesMy Profile

    • Cora | 14th Jun 16

      Your recent post on being an introvert really struck a chord with me – for this very reason. I can very easily feel overwhelmed when my “social time” seems to be out crowed my “me time.”

  5. Lyss | 10th Jun 16

    Proud of you for choosing rest. That’s what your mind and body needs right now Cora. I know it’s tough, but it will be worth it in the end. Also have been loving bagels too. And that baked oatmeal looks so good! I want to try baked oats sometime. Hope you have a great weekend!
    Lyss recently posted…Top 3 Friday 6/10/16My Profile

    • Cora | 14th Jun 16

      Thanks, Lyss.
      Definitely give baked oats a try! A nice way to change things up.

  6. Kate | 10th Jun 16

    Huge progress admitting areas you’re struggling in. I remember I kept purging a secret for far too long, t was my way of holding on. Admitting it to my boyfriend at the time (terry) was super important in getting past it.
    I’m all about the bagels but baked oatmeal makes the best most filling and satisfying breakfast!
    Get plenty of rest and sunshine this weekend. You NEED it!! <3

    • Cora | 14th Jun 16

      Done and done. Thanks Kate <3

  7. Susie @ SuzLyfe | 10th Jun 16

    Sending hugs and love. you are fighting right now, and though that fight is going to take every part of you, it will be worth it in the end. I promise.
    Susie @ SuzLyfe recently posted…Five Easy Summer Recipes You Need NowMy Profile

  8. Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets | 10th Jun 16

    I can relate to training people at work, making your inner introvert scream. It’s must be even harder since you took away one of your fall backs (the exercise), although I’m super proud of you for sharing this with us and staying on point despite the anxiety it created.

    Nothing beats the four cheese bagel. You should have saved that one for last. 🙂

    Have a great weekend.

    • Cora | 14th Jun 16

      I’ll just have to end with the cheese bagel as well – do a full circle ya know?
      Thanks Meg. You hit it on the head.

  9. Emily Swanson | 10th Jun 16

    I concur with Kristy. Really, Cora, if you ever need someone to talk to, to share your fears or struggles with, please email or message me. I’m on a LOT, and I’m here to talk.

    Choosing rest is so hard, but it’s so essential, because it’s what repairs the body. I am so glad that every day you are fighting step by step and that you aren’t giving up. Your life is precious. And you know what? Once we just come right out and say what we are struggling with, it seems to be one of the things that lends to the MOST freedom.
    Emily Swanson recently posted…The Words that Hurt Someone with An EDMy Profile

    • Cora | 14th Jun 16

      Exactly. Talking is the most powerful medicine and once we say what we are most afraid to admit, that thing loses some of its power. I can feel it happening even now. Thank you, Emily.

  10. Heather@hungryforbalance | 10th Jun 16

    Exercise addiction is such a real and difficult demon to overcome. I’ve been struggling with it for years. In fact, when I first became a BODYPUMP instructor, it was just a thinly veiled way to disguise my addiction as a job. However, I have found that teaching the classes has given me a new perspective on exercise. It no longer is just a way to push my body to exhaustion- now it’s a way to connect and help others. I’m also having an easier time enjoying my “days off”. I’m afraid it’s a demon that I will always fight, but for now I feel like I’m winning. I’m proud of you for soaking up some time to read/time to yourself/vitamin d. Self care can be difficult when you are constantly surrounded by family.

    • Cora | 16th Jun 16

      Thank you for sharing this, Heather. As much as I wish no one else has to fight this fight, it helps when someone truly understands. I am so SO elated to know that you have found a compassionate and safe haven with your teaching. You are winning. Even if you feel you have a backward step day, you are still winning because you are always fighting.

  11. Ellie | 11th Jun 16

    I used to do that at work all the time. I’d be like “oh I’ll do this hard job so you don’t have to…” etc and it was getting tiring. Finally, we hired new employees and I was promoted, so now I let them do it. I can’t be everyone’s friend because if I was nothing would get done.
    Exercise is usually a coping mechanism for depression, so it must have been really tough to not be able to use that to deal with those dark feelings. I hope you have a great weekend and remember, you’re amazing an wonderful 🙂
    Ellie recently posted…Trail Running is still “New”My Profile

    • Cora | 16th Jun 16

      Thanks Ellie :). You hit it on the head, and said exactly what helps me to hear.
      We really can’t be everyone’s friend. So why we sometimes try past our limits is just unnecessary, and exhausting. We can still be respectable and civil – and how they react is up to them right?

  12. Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table | 11th Jun 16

    I complete understand what you mean about resting being both a high and a low. I think as women we are conditioned to never rest – there’s always something MORE we “should” be doing. It’s hard to accept that REST is something we should be doing too.
    Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table recently posted…Healthy Walnut Pavlova with Blueberry Sauce [Sugar-Free, Gluten-Free]My Profile

    • Cora | 16th Jun 16

      Yup yup yup. Rest is actually “work” too. Hard work, most often than not. Thanks Laura.

  13. Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar | 13th Jun 16

    Oh my goodness. That House of Fifty meme is so touching–and true!
    I do know what you mean when the lows are highs. In recovery mode, there are a lot of things that suck at the time that are good challenges for the future. I’ve found that’s true of graduate school as well. There are a lot of important accomplishments that take a lot of less-than-thrilling work. Like teaching. The day to day stuff can be really discouraging, but the big picture is really rewarding.
    Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar recently posted…Going Hungry Episode 4: Causes, Effects, and Which Is WhichMy Profile

    • Cora | 16th Jun 16

      Its really about keeping your focus on that bigger picture.

  14. Aubrey @ Clusterforked | 16th Jun 16

    Okay, that photo at the bottom of this post actually choked me up a little bit. One of the biggest things for me in recovery (which also involved compulsive exercise) was figuring out where the things that I though made me feel good were incredibly damaging. When we’re talking about actions mindsets that are frighteningly almost socially desirable it can be even more difficult to navigate the sense that you’re doing the wrong thing when you’re doing what’s good for you. It’s great to hear that you’re getting in time to rest and do the things that really fulfil YOU and bring you joy. I love this.
    Aubrey @ Clusterforked recently posted…Anorexia Goes On HolidayMy Profile

  15. What I Ate Wednesday: Seeing The Steps I HAVE Made | 4th Aug 16

    […] my first liberte yogurt? Well now, it honestly feels like a no brainer. Full fat yogurt, let alone 9% liberte yogurt, let […]

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