Linking up with the fabulous Kate for a wordy Friday Top Three!
On Tuesday – the day after returning from my 5 days away at the folk festival – I was just in a really lovely mood. My work decided it apparently wasn’t important to inform me that my evening shift had changed to a 9 am start, so if I hadn’t called the night before just to randomly “check,” I would not have known. It was a silly shift with very little money and just the silliest managerial hiccups, I had to stay around far longer than I had thought and had a zillion things I needed to do that evening…. and yet, I remained in this really lovely, grounded mood. I felt a bit crazy… but I was kind of laughing at it and just accepted that I’d be up very late that evening and that everything else was out of my control. I also felt like I was in a kinder mood toward my parents. Maybe I was still sailing from my time away in the fresh air. It was nice.
Still smiling after a weekend away with plenty of air and solitude
Getting back to blogging.
Once I returned, I don’t know if my writers block began to dissipate or I just began to realize how much I missed my blog, but I got some real motivation to shed some personal insight again. Even if I have been still posting, I haven’t felt like I’ve actually “been here,” ya know? I smashed out a scary thinking out loud post yesterday – which I’m still a little queasy about and unsure whether I should have pressed send or not – and then even got this guy out completely spontaneously. I think I may even have time coming up to get back to my recipe list. Knock on wood.
Latte + cheese scone + blogging break
Cutting down on shifts at work
So even though I have only been there a week and a bit, I had been asked to become a supervisor for my remaining time at my job (already…right?). In the moment, I said “sure – I’ll do whatever I can to help while I’m here,” thinking a) I don’t care enough to say no and b) I do need the money. But after a lot of reflection over the weekend, I realized that giving more responsibility and time to a job that I really don’t care enough about (sorry) – when I am feeling so down about not getting enough done in my summer already and completely losing focus on my health (my main reason for coming home which is not going as hoped) – it was not going to be good for my health or my happiness. I told management that I have to take back my word about becoming supervisor and that I will only be able to work 3 shifts a week. This isn’t good obviously for my prospect of saving money this summer, but I have to realize that my health needs priority right now. If I am going to end this summer feeling remotely fulfilled and refreshed for my new year, I need this last month to really focus on what’s important. As soon as I made the decision I felt a quadrillion times lighter.
Passport issues and feeling like, “typical me…”
Why does everything happen all at once, huh? Why does life like to play like that? It took me forever, even after all my parents’ “pushing,” to check the expiry date of my passport – because I was “sure” it was fine. Of course, once I finally got around to it… it was expired. Go me. Then there were complications sending it away because it had “damage.” When I received it back over a week ago, again, after numerous reminders from my parents to check it over, I kept putting it off because “what’s the rush?” I finally checked it yesterday and of course… they friggen made a mistake on my name! I’ve had to make numerous calls and go in to the government office to try and sort of what can be done… I travel overseas in ONE MONTH. For frig sake. Leave it to me to leave everything until the last minute.
I said earlier in this post that I felt like I was in a nicer mood to my parents one day – this is because I just feel like I am a constant bitch (again sorry for the crudeness). Even when I consciously try to be nice, I feel like I am always treating them negatively, being mean and saying things that I just don’t need to say. I really have a lot of guilt for being this way… I just can’t seem to shake it. And I don’t feel like I’m spending enough time with them. This happens with others I am closest with as well.
Embarrassment and worry about my baking
I provided a baker with a tone of baking for his farmers’ market table this week (the “so many things to do and being up very late” was alluding to the piles of baking I had to finish up – more on this next week). I wasn’t at the market to see how selling went, but it was not a good weather day and I don’t think sales went too well. I can’t help but feel that what I provided was not good or what the baker had wanted, or people weren’t interested in my product and that the baker now feels he made a mistake asking me.
Packed up and ready for sale
Monday night, I came home to a dinner of homemade sushi that my mom made. I got home late so had dinner by myself, but still, I had been randomly craving sushi that whole day, and my mom knows how much I love the stuff, so this was such a nice (and delicious) “welcome home” gift.
Homemade Sushi / Salmon / Edamame
Collard Green Wraps
So my Dad randomly brought home these beautiful, massive collard greens the other day saying, “I have no idea what these are but they looked so cool I had to get them.” Aha. So of course I had to go all foodie with, “I get to try collard wraps!” I checked off a bucket list item and made some quinoa / veggie / avocado collard green wraps with peanut sauce for my parents for dinner (served with sweet potato fries… mmmmm). These were SO GOOD.
Collard Green Wraps with thai peanut quinoa, avocado, red pepper, cucumber, carrot / sweet potato fries
Upping the McFlurry
Since above mentioned dinner was not very calorie dense, I opted for the larger size of McFlurry to end my day. Are you guys getting sick of seeing these things yet? Maybe I should just rename my blog, “mylittletablespoonINTHEMCLFLURRYCUP.com.” Or “McDonald’s ice cream ambassador.com.”
McFlurry …up a notch
But in more serious thought…
I haven’t really been doing well on the food front. I mean I’ve made great changes and gotten to an average healthier day of eats, but I’ve been extremely stuck at a certain minimum and can’t for the life of me bust past it. I haven’t been able to for well over a month now. I got to a certain place – on that one celebratory day – and that’s where I stayed. As a result, I still haven’t made any progress with my weight. And honestly? I’m getting tired of hearing congratulations with the steps that I have made, because it feels like I’m being congratulated for stepping my toe into the pool, when really what I need to be doing is swimming lanks.
With everything else going on recently, its been hard for me to hold on to motivation to keep pushing my calorie goals. Though, that’s also somewhat of an excuse for just how blocked I really am at this stage and how truthfully hard this is for me. I’m feeling really defeated and mostly just really, really mad at myself. I can’t believe I’ve let this whole summer go by with, once again, so little progress. All my determination and confidence at the beginning of the summer…. where did it go!? My parents and I had a good conversation about this all on this night. We hadn’t talked about the food side of things in a long while, which also hasn’t been good for keeping up the motivation (I need daily reminders it seems). Needless to say, the night after our conversation ended in a trip to town and an upsizing of my favorite night snack.
I know I can’t delve on the past and hate on myself for not being able to do what I said I’d do this summer. The fact is…I haven’t. But unfortunately I can’t go back and change it. All I can do is recommit, and start again.
So tomorrow is a new day. I have some feirce motivation back, a new plan, and am ready for change once again. I have a month and a half left of summer. One month to fight and push past those minimums and go balls out so I can end this summer knowing I made some change. I really want this. It’s the worst feeling when you want something so bad and yet you literally have a mental block that is physically not letting you do it. It’s just impossible to understand.
Sorry for the ramble there. This Friday Top Three just took a little turn onto “therapeutic release” drive. Hopefully Kate won’t mind. So before I ramble any more, go to her link up and join in on the rest of the Top Three contributions.My Top Three eats, highs and lows. Recommitting to recovery and pumping myself up for a month of change. #recovery #motivation Click To Tweet
Top high from this week?
Do you ever have “parent” or “spouse” or “friend” guilt when you feel you aren’t treating them well?
Not a hugely exciting week. But I did get a few nice things…