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Friday Top Three #3 Plus Recommitting

Friday Top Three #3: Recommitting

Linking up with the fabulous Kate for a wordy Friday Top Three!

Top Three Highs:

 

Tuesday’s mood.

On Tuesday – the day after returning from my 5 days away at the folk festival – I was just in a really lovely mood. My work decided it apparently wasn’t important to inform me that my evening shift had changed to a 9 am start, so if I hadn’t called the night before just to randomly “check,” I would not have known. It was a silly shift with very little money and just the silliest managerial hiccups, I had to stay around far longer than I had thought and had a zillion things I needed to do that evening…. and yet, I remained in this really lovely, grounded mood. I felt a bit crazy… but I was kind of laughing at it and just accepted that I’d be up very late that evening and that everything else was out of my control. I also felt like I was in a kinder mood toward my parents. Maybe I was still sailing from my time away in the fresh air. It was nice. 

bike FF

Still smiling after a weekend away with plenty of air and solitude 

Getting back to blogging.

Once I returned, I don’t know if my writers block began to dissipate or I just began to realize how much I missed my blog, but I got some real motivation to shed some personal insight again. Even if I have been still posting, I haven’t felt like I’ve actually “been here,” ya know? I smashed out a scary thinking out loud post yesterday – which I’m still a little queasy about and unsure whether I should have pressed send or not – and then even got this guy out completely spontaneously. I think I may even have time coming up to get back to my recipe list. Knock on wood. 

blogging and scone

Latte + cheese scone + blogging break

Cutting down on shifts at work

So even though I have only been there a week and a bit, I had been asked to become a supervisor for my remaining time at my job (already…right?). In the moment, I said “sure – I’ll do whatever I can to help while I’m here,” thinking a) I don’t care enough to say no and b) I do need the money. But after a lot of reflection over the weekend, I realized that giving more responsibility and time to a job that I really don’t care enough about (sorry) – when I am feeling so down about not getting enough done in my summer already and completely losing focus on my health (my main reason for coming home which is not going as hoped) – it was not going to be good for my health or my happiness. I told management that I have to take back my word about becoming supervisor and that I will only be able to work 3 shifts a week. This isn’t good obviously for my prospect of saving money this summer, but I have to realize that my health needs priority right now. If I am going to end this summer feeling remotely fulfilled and refreshed for my new year, I need this last month to really focus on what’s important. As soon as I made the decision I felt a quadrillion times lighter. 

 

Top Three Lows

 

Passport issues and feeling like, “typical me…” 

Why does everything happen all at once, huh? Why does life like to play like that? It took me forever, even after all my parents’ “pushing,” to check the expiry date of my passport – because I was “sure” it was fine. Of course, once I finally got around to it… it was expired. Go me. Then there were complications sending it away because it had “damage.” When I received it back over a week ago, again, after numerous reminders from my parents to check it over, I kept putting it off because “what’s the rush?” I finally checked it yesterday and of course… they friggen made a mistake on my name! I’ve had to make numerous calls and go in to the government office to try and sort of what can be done… I travel overseas in ONE MONTH. For frig sake. Leave it to me to leave everything until the last minute. 

Parent Guilt

I said earlier in this post that I felt like I was in a nicer mood to my parents one day – this is because I just feel like I am a constant bitch (again sorry for the crudeness). Even when I consciously try to be nice, I feel like I am always treating them negatively, being mean and saying things that I just don’t need to say. I really have a lot of guilt for being this way… I just can’t seem to shake it. And I don’t feel like I’m spending enough time with them. This happens with others I am closest with as well. 

Embarrassment and worry about my baking 

I provided a baker with a tone of baking for his farmers’ market table this week (the “so many things to do and being up very late” was alluding to the piles of baking I had to finish up – more on this next week). I wasn’t at the market to see how selling went, but it was not a good weather day and I don’t think sales went too well. I can’t help but feel that what I provided was not good or what the baker had wanted, or people weren’t interested in my product and that the baker now feels he made a mistake asking me.

baking market

Packed up and ready for sale

 

Top Three Eats

 

Homemade Sushi

Monday night, I came home to a dinner of homemade sushi that my mom made. I got home late so had dinner by myself, but still, I had been randomly craving sushi that whole day, and my mom knows how much I love the stuff, so this was such a nice (and delicious) “welcome home” gift.  

sushi at home

Homemade Sushi / Salmon / Edamame

Collard Green Wraps

So my Dad randomly brought home these beautiful, massive collard greens the other day saying, “I have no idea what these are but they looked so cool I had to get them.” Aha. So of course I had to go all foodie with, “I get to try collard wraps!” I checked off a bucket list item and made some quinoa / veggie / avocado collard green wraps with peanut sauce for my parents for dinner (served with sweet potato fries… mmmmm). These were SO GOOD. 

collard wrap

Collard Green Wraps with thai peanut quinoa, avocado, red pepper, cucumber, carrot / sweet potato fries 

Upping the McFlurry

Since above mentioned dinner was not very calorie dense, I opted for the larger size of McFlurry to end my day. Are you guys getting sick of seeing these things yet? Maybe I should just rename my blog, “mylittletablespoonINTHEMCLFLURRYCUP.com.” Or “McDonald’s ice cream ambassador.com.”

mcflurry large

McFlurry …up a notch

But in more serious thought…

I haven’t really been doing well on the food front. I mean I’ve made great changes and gotten to an average healthier day of eats, but I’ve been extremely stuck at a certain minimum and can’t for the life of me bust past it. I haven’t been able to for well over a month now. I got to a certain place – on that one celebratory day – and that’s where I stayed. As a result, I still haven’t made any progress with my weight. And honestly? I’m getting tired of hearing congratulations with the steps that I have made, because it feels like I’m being congratulated for stepping my toe into the pool, when really what I need to be doing is swimming lanks.

With everything else going on recently, its been hard for me to hold on to motivation to keep pushing my calorie goals. Though, that’s also somewhat of an excuse for just how blocked I really am at this stage and how truthfully hard this is for me. I’m feeling really defeated and mostly just really, really mad at myself.  I can’t believe I’ve let this whole summer go by with, once again, so little progress. All my determination and confidence at the beginning of the summer…. where did it go!? My parents and I had a good conversation about this all on this night. We hadn’t talked about the food side of things in a long while, which also hasn’t been good for keeping up the motivation (I need daily reminders it seems).  Needless to say, the night after our conversation ended in a trip to town and an upsizing of my favorite night snack. 

I know I can’t delve on the past and hate on myself for not being able to do what I said I’d do this summer. The fact is…I haven’t. But unfortunately I can’t go back and change it. All I can do is recommit, and start again.

So tomorrow is a new day. I have some feirce motivation back, a new plan, and am ready for change once again. I have a month and a half left of summer. One month to fight and push past those minimums and go balls out so I can end this summer knowing I made some change. I really want this. It’s the worst feeling when you want something so bad and yet you literally have a mental block that is physically not letting you do it. It’s just impossible to understand. 

Sorry for the ramble there. This Friday Top Three just took a little turn onto “therapeutic release” drive. Hopefully Kate won’t mind. So before I ramble any more, go to her link up and join in on the rest of the Top Three contributions. 

My Top Three eats, highs and lows. Recommitting to recovery and pumping myself up for a month of change. #recovery #motivation Click To Tweet

Tell me,

Top high from this week?

Do you ever have “parent” or “spouse” or “friend” guilt when you feel you aren’t treating them well?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

18 COMMENTS

  1. chasetheredgrape | 15th Jul 16

    You have made the right decision over your job for starters… Health is a priority and you should feel super proud that you are making it number one.
    Don’t beat yourself up about your eats and your weight – it took me so long to see any progress on the weight front, but I knew I was making gains in other areas, especially my mental health which is the main trigger for everything. Do what you can when you can, the extra stress won’t be helping. You can’t recover fully by the end of this one summer, it’s not possible. All you can do is give your recovery a reflective boost and with all your writing you are certainly doing that.
    (Oh and I am sending a big hug to you right now. I get horrible knots in my tummy when I think of the way I treated David during my disorder but he stuck by me, just like your parents will with you, because we were ill. And our family love us unconditionally <3)

  2. Sarah @ BucketListTummy | 15th Jul 16

    I completely agree with you in putting your health first. If this job is not your passion, you shouldn’t do things for others above yourself! It may seem selfish, but it’s not because no one else is going to take care of you. Also, homemade sushi!? Can I come next time? And collard wraps? Loving the way your parents think. And I have craved a Mcflurry after I see every.single.one of yours. I also think it’s so cool that you have submitted stuff to a baker at the Farmer’s Market. I’m sure the weather had a lot to do with it. I would have bought a sampling of each of your creations! Just don’t be too hard on yourself – we all have expectations for productivity in the summer that we don’t get around to. I try to give myself grace and compassion and say, “I’ll do better today, or next week,” etc. Have a great weekend!
    Sarah @ BucketListTummy recently posted…Friday Favorites and Top 3 #5My Profile

  3. Kate | 15th Jul 16

    I don’t know why, but it is so normal for us to take our feelings out on the ones we love. When I was deep my disorder, my mom got it the worst. Which breaks my heart to think about, but I am glad she knew it was my disorder and not the real me.
    I think you were SO smart to cut back your shifts. You need to be home getting done what needs to be done! While it can’t all be perfect, I think by working less you can make daily progress goals. Challenge yourself daily, eventually it will start to feel like a normal part of life!
    And I wouldn’t worry too much about your baked goods, they look professional to me. Farmer’s Markets are so hit and miss unfortunately. I know your treats were delicious!
    Kate recently posted…Top 3 Friday #18My Profile

  4. Stephanie Leduc | 15th Jul 16

    I can totally relate to not wanting to give your all to a job that you really won’t ever commit to. I feel the same way at my work and everyone seems so motivated and I am always wondering why haha.
    I think it’s great that you’re capable of recommiting and deciding to start again, I really think that is key. It’s useless to hold on to what you feel you didn’t accomplish, and better to look forward and say that you will!

  5. Emily Swanson | 15th Jul 16

    I agree with all the other girls. Dropping down your shifts was really wise Cora. Right now your body needs healing, and you definitely are doing the wise things there. Don’t be too hard on yourself Cora. I love Matthew 11:28 where Jesus says, ‘Come to me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.’ It’s okay if you don’t do everything, and you know what, I bet your baking was AMAZING. :o) Don’t over think it. I’ve made things that my family doesn’t love, but I still eat them anyways. There is always someone who will love your baking. Just keep loving on your parents; your body needs food and your brain needs food, and it’s amazing, because it does change your relationships, the less hungry your body is. Just one day at a time, and DON’T let ED lie to you. If it says, ‘Don’t eat more.’ Eat more. <3 And it takes time. It takes time and patience. So don't stop being gentle with your body. <3
    Emily Swanson recently posted…Top 3 Friday: No More ComparingMy Profile

  6. Dani @ Dani California Cooks | 15th Jul 16

    I would buy all of those baked goods!!

    My boyfriend’s family owns a farm and they say sales vary SO much at farmer’s markets depending on the weather, the season, the weekend, you name it.
    Dani @ Dani California Cooks recently posted…Blueberry Zucchini MuffinsMy Profile

    • Cora | 21st Jul 16

      Ah thank you Dani – such a kind, and needed, reminder.

  7. Ellie | 16th Jul 16

    Stop feeling guilty. I’m telling you this from experience. Guilt keeps you stuck. Guilt makes you feel like a bad person. Guilt keeps you in the cycle of hurting yourself because you deserve it because you’re a bad person. You are not a bad person. Do not feel guilty. Apologize and get over it. If they love you, they will get over it too.
    My parents used my guilt for years to keep me under their control and always trying to please them. Luckily I was able to break free. I’m not saying your parents are making you feel guilty, you may be doing it to yourself. However, this is dangerous Cora and possibly contributing to your stagnating progress in recovery. Free yourself from the guilt. We all snap at each other. Say sorry and it’s done.
    Sending my love <3
    Ellie recently posted…Vegan Soft Serve, Workout Highs and Lows: Top 3 [07/15/2016]My Profile

    • Cora | 21st Jul 16

      Thank you Ellie. This is probably the best comment you’ve ever given me. It needs to be just that simple.
      Thank you for sharing from your own experience. I always really, really appreciate it.

  8. Lyss | 16th Jul 16

    Guilt is such a tough emotion to cope with. I am glad you are cutting back on your shifts. I think that will be very beneficial for you to put yourself first and hopefully beat the struggle you are having around food too. have a lovely and relaxing weekend <3

  9. Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar | 16th Jul 16

    Hey, Cora. Sounds like you had both some really wonderful things and some really discouraging things this week. Your blog is so honest, and that amazes me; rather than putting up a screen like you’ve got it all figured out now, you’re really willing to work through the challenges–and they are challenges–of recovery without making it sound like, “Oh, if you just get over it, you’ll be fine.” Because that’s not how it works. Meeting and exceeding minimums is hard–physically and mentally. The anxiety doesn’t just go away.
    I totally hear what you’re saying about the passport situation. I’ve been facing a similar stress with trying to get state residency. If I don’t get it, the English department can’t cover my tuition for next semester. And yet, I thought, “Oh, it won’t be that bad. What’s the rush? I’ll get it done.” hahahahahaha ack! and then there’s the double stress of worrying that it won’t get done in time and being angry at myself for not starting earlier. *sigh
    Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar recently posted…WIAW: Against the All-or-Nothing DietMy Profile

  10. Casey the College Celiac | 16th Jul 16

    Top high was definitely walking out of the GRE exam and having survived! So glad that’s over! And I definitely can have “bitchy day” guilt with my family and friends, so you aren’t the only one!
    Casey the College Celiac recently posted…Why You Shouldn’t Take Ignorant Celiac Comments PersonallyMy Profile

    • Cora | 21st Jul 16

      Wooooo huge congrats!!! That’s massive!

  11. Kristy from Southern In Law | 16th Jul 16

    I am sure your baking was a huge hit with everyone who bought it so don’t doubt yourself! He would never have asked if he didn’t believe in your skills! It’s easy to freak out over something like that but you just have to trust in yourself!

    I am totally jealous of your McFlurry as after seeing your post a few weeks back I investigated to find out if they were GF and no bueno! I am now on a mission to find gluten free soft serve I don’t have to make myself, haha!
    Kristy from Southern In Law recently posted…Recent Things: Trixie Videos, Pokemon Plus-Sides and Oops!My Profile

    • Cora | 21st Jul 16

      No!!! Huge boo!! I wonder where the gluten comes from in soft serve!?

  12. Jessica Murphy | 17th Jul 16

    being “mean” to loved ones is also a symptom of malnourishment/ being underweight! your mood will improve as you eat more and gain weight 🙂 speaking of which, it’s definitely challenging, but just treat each meal/snack as an opportunity to reach your goals. you should always feel full! also limit exercise as much as possible, especially since you have an active job. you can do it!!

    • Cora | 21st Jul 16

      Thanks Jessica. Its so true. I can honestly feel my mood being more calm and controlled with even a couple days of much better nourishment. One meal at a time – a reminder I needed.

  13. Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets | 23rd Jul 16

    Way to say no to the supervisor job. You may not feel like you’re making progress (or not at the rate you’d like), but prioritizing your health is a big indicator you’re doing something right. Just keep chipping at it; one day at a time. Try to increase those calories today just a bit and see how it feels. Then do it again tomorrow, and then the next day and the next. You got this!!
    Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets recently posted…Banana Blueberry Salad with Blue Cheese and WalnutsMy Profile

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