It just loves its roller coaster rides, doesn’t it? It just loves to take you up up up, then throw you a mighty curve ball. Testing you constantly. Like that damn high school teacher always pulling pop quizzes on you… but only on the lessons where you just so happened to nap off in class.
Anyway. This is going to be a wordy, maybe not quite comprehensive post. I just need to write.
Right now I’m feeling pretty down. Sad. Fragile. Empty. Void. Flat. Like I don’t feel like doing anything… and yet I don’t even feel like doing “nothing.”
After a hard week of feeling completely unsettled in my skin, I am so proud that I was able to bring myself back. On Thursday, I was having just a lovely, lovely day. I felt truly happy. I felt gracious and clear and calm. I was proud of the actions I had taken all week, even though they were uncomfortable in the moment, that got me back to feeling myself again.
And then.. I had my wallet stolen. My wallet with basically my entire life inside (and for once in my life, an actual chunk of money).
So.. I could go on about how awful this is and how upset I was. Yeah, I was upset. The bully voice came in SO loud telling me how stupid I was and how I’m always doing this kind of thing (losing things, that is). I was raised up high, feeling so lovely, and then I was taken right back down. I felt low. Stupid. Carless. Worried. Guilty. Embarrassed. I let that bully voice have its immature set of words with me. But then I let it go.
I decided I wanted to be the better person. I wish I could have made this decision and mind shift earlier and not have let the bully voice have its hissy fit at all. But I did. And then I let it go. Its only money. It’s only plastic. Nothing that can’t be replaced. It was my fault for leaving my bag unattended, but it was not my fault that someone felt the desire to take from me. So its over. I told myself, “its okay.” And I just made a decision to focus on my acting.
So now that that is out of the way, I want to go BACCKK to the start of that Thursday and talk about how I brought myself back.
The lovely Heather has been so kind and brave in sharing her feelings recently, and just had a post about what to do when you don’t feel like doing anything. When you are feeling down or depressed or just plain unsettled, it can feel next to impossible to actually “do” anything. But that’s okay. I’m really learning that you need to meet yourself where you are at and not force yourself into anything that does not feel right. Sometimes you can’t even force yourself into finding a distraction.
Sometimes you just need to sit with the emptiness. And that’s what I did. I had a few mornings where I literally just stood at my kitchen counter, sort of listening to the news, sort of sipping some coffee, but ultimately just thinking about how I had no idea what I wanted to do. I didn’t feel like doing my yoga or writing or making a nice breakfast. I just putzed around… maybe making my bed, putting some sort of food into a tupperware for lunch, maybe dusting a couple shelves. I just let myself sink into the discomfort. I gave myself time and silence to be aware that I was feeling empty and that I was feeling uncomfortable with not doing anything (for someone who is always needing to do something, doing nothing is the hardest task of all).
Then I talked.
I did go see my therapist, so obviously this is the more blatant form of talking. And it did help. But I also talked to my parents, and I spoke more authentically about how I was feeling with those who asked. You don’t have to go into detail, by any means, but even just saying that you are having an “off day”, rather than putting on the smile and saying “good, thanks!” can help. I texted a couple people very close to me just to simply tell them what had happened and that I was feeling all sorts of strange. I didn’t need a big long answer or even their guidance… I simply just needed to say what I was feeling out loud to someone I knew would still love me anyways. It is so important to just get your words out. If you keep holding all of your confusing thoughts and feelings inside your brain, they will only fester and grow more and more itchy and eventually take you down. Kate recently spoke about this beautifully.
As per my goals last week, I did diminish the coffee. I took a couple days away from it, which allowed me a chance to actually feel what I was feeling. Any form of stimulant can make us feel a certain way that is often a distraction from what we are ultimately feeling (hence why we love these things). I didn’t give myself any false highs and let myself just return to a state of authenticity so I could actually listen to what was going on. (ps coffee has now made a return. I do love it. But I am going to remain aware of when I’m using it to simple take myself away from life).
I got back to writing, which is another form of talking. I tried to journal, even if all I could get out was one single paragraph. I returned to writing posts here on the blog. Any way of getting out your thoughts can be the greatest therapy.
I “stayed ontop of life.” I forced myself to do all those little tasks that had been piling up my to do list. Those things that take no sweat off my back, but I just never “feel like doing.” Like mailing that letter.. organizing my binder.. submitting that form…returning that call. I want to add to my list of goals to be better with this. When I have a little task to do, I’d like to just get it done right then in the moment, rather than putting it on a to do lost and then let it fester in my head for weeks.
It was an uncomfortable week with lots of feelings of uncertainty, emptiness, confusion and just pure discomfort. But I sat with it. I did not go running form it or pretend like it wasn’t there. I gave myself time. I allowed myself whatever time it would take for me to get through this “phase,” and in the meanwhile, talked about how I was feeling.
And then lo and behold, the day came, and I did feel better. I did feel myself again. And I did feel happy.
Life is bizarre. We all have our ups and downs. Sometimes they have clear reasoning, and sometimes they really don’t. Sometimes we just find ourselves feeling completely “blah,” and don’t feel like ourselves or have any idea what is going on. But these times always pass. We can get through them.
Thanks for listening <3.
I am 200% not a relationship expert. Let’s get that out right now…