A part of me feels really nervous to write this post.
I think in part, because there’s simply so much to look back on. So much to realize happened and changed all within one single year. I still can’t believe half the events of this year were all within the happenings of 2017.
2017…. I think I have to say… was a good year.
Its been up and down, for sure. But there have been moments where I have found myself happier than I think I have ever been. There’s always happy memories, but I’m talking about this deep, rooted, in-the-core feeling of happiness. Of having….landed.
Another hesitation I’ve had in writing this post is that I’ve been nervous to say this very thing out loud: “I’ve been happy.”
If I say it, will I ruin it?!
Will people still care, if they think I’m happy?
These last couple of months especially have found me in a new place of grounding. A sense of finally having come to a place that I’ve been waiting for so long to be. Sure… I haven’t come close to reaching my goals and am still waiting for my dreams to take off. Sure there are many days where I am unhappy at my day job and still have highs and lows of anxiety throughout a week. Sure I still have physical/stomach discomforts that are beyond frustrating. But. I have a place where I actually feel at home. I live with someone that makes me inexplicably happy. And I’m going after what makes my soul fly. My dream.
I think these are three things in the base of maslow’s hierarchy we all need in order to feel that underlying feeling of peace.
Let’s break down this year a bit more
In April, I graduated from my theatre program. A three year long achievement. I played a part that I would never have dreamt of playing and was in love with every moment of it. I graduated having received a bursary that I worked hard for and felt proud of what I had achieved.
I was able to get a job at a restaurant that I was really happy with. It was the job that I wanted, and although my excitement for each shift has now definitely wained, it still holds true that it is the best “jo job” I could have. It allows for a schedule that lets me get to my auditions. I’m very lucky in this regard.
I worked very, very hard upon graduating to try and get my career going. Not with the success I was hoping for, unfortunately, but I was my own manager and submitted myself to auditions each and every day. It was very disappointing to not be granted many of the auditions I hoped to get – a quick realization of the impossibility of this industry – but I kept submitting and kept trying.
continually resetting my goals and prioritizing my time
Finally. After all my hard work and multiple, multiple submissions, I was finally contacted by an agent who had seen some of my work on film and asked me to come in to meet him. I felt in my core it was a good match and so signed the contract. Since then, my world has shifted dramatically. I am no longer my own manager – which is something that has been surprisingly difficult to adjust to. I’ve learned that not only am I so used to doing all my own work and being fully in control of my career, but that I like that. Now, this does not mean I regret signing with my agent. Absolutely not. I have someone who is managing my auditions and is getting me in front of casting directors I couldn’t get to on my own. On a good week, my agent sends me out for 2-3 auditions, and on these weeks, I’ve felt happier than I ever have. I have not booked anything big, but the simple act of going out to auditions puts me on such a high. My life routine has become something completely new as I have to be ready to receive an audition the night before and then commute my way across the city. But I’m so grateful to be doing so. It has really showed me that I’m really not in this for the money or any other external factor. Yes that cheque when I get my first commercial will be lovely, but I just want to be seen doing what I love. I simply thrive off this feeling of being a working, auditioning actor. It’s what I’ve been waiting for for so long. I simply hope that my agent keeps having faith in me so that I continue to be sent out for auditions in the new year. And that one day soon, someone sees that something I’m waiting for them to see….
I moved into a new home, one that is both mine and Dan’s. I feel so happy to be living with Dan. Of course there are little quibbles that scratch at me under the surface (I never thought I’d be the girl who says, “….um, can you please put the seat down?”) but I know that when I’m feeling down or anxious, all it takes is to be home with Dan to make those feelings go away. My routines have changed. All the things I did on my “own time” are now being set aside for time with others. This means I’m not doing as many things like blogging, but after many years of this not being the case, I am very happy to give over the time.
I have also been able to create a place that makes me feel happy. Hygge. Thanks in part to the surprising tid bits I took from The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, I learned how to get rid of many things from my past in a way that has left me feeling cleansed, refreshed, and with a great sense of gratitude for all that they did for me. I thanked them. By learning how to ask, “does this spark joy?” I’ve streamlined the things that I own and have learned how to give them each a home where they belong. Like Kondo promises, by streamlining my home, I feel more creative and open to do the things that align with who I am.
my cozy corner
I don’t talk about recovery much on this blog. A large part being because I’ve found that surrounding my life with my other passions and interests has actually been a huge advocate to leaving my world of disordered eating and mental illness. I still have a ways to come. Physically I am not at a place of health I need to be and I have a lot of worries I keep well inside. But. I do believe this year has been the best year for my recovery yet. Ever since my summer at home, I’ve over come many of the food fears I once had, and there are very few, if any, foods that feel “off limits.” I am very grateful for that summer. Living with Dan has been an incredible drive, as enjoying good food and memories with him – and others – has become far more important to me than my own “preferences.” I feel more secure around food choices than I have in years; I feel more “okay” with rest than I have in years; I’ve re-realized my beautiful passion for movement, but have re-learned that this can mean moving my body in fluid ways, like yoga, swimming, walking and most powerfully, dance. I’m slowly but surely learning the wonders of actually trusting my body. That, above all, is the most freeing, mesmerizing feeling. I still get *a lot* of uncomfortable feelings when I think I’ve eaten more than I usually do or I am put out of my routine, but, I’ve learned that I have these “rocks” that I can go to that will distract me from these feelings: my acting, time with dan, family, baking, and making gifts for others.
and lattes… always lattes
I’m in love.
Dan’s great ( 😉 )… but the real love of my life came to me this year in the form of my beautiful new baby niece, Chloe. Being at home with my family this year at Christmas was a powerful reminder of what matters. Time with family and being there for those you love. This will always win over my own personal discomforts, routines, expectations, struggles, worries or fears.
Can you tell we had both just woken up…?
2017 was a year of change and growth. Growth and progress – albeit slow progress – in my career; a welcomed shift in routine and a change in priorities; a feeling of maturity and long awaited comfort; and a settling into what feels like the person I’m supposed to be.
No resolutions, but similar to what I said in my words for last year, my simple hope for next year is to continue to persevere. To continue to feel propelled in my career and just not stop. And, to continue striving for a feeling of connection with others, comfort and simplicity at home, and fulfillment in the areas of my life that make me happy.
“My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are. To astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness. Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart.” – Maya Angelou
Happy New Year to you all, and thank you for being such a special part of my life. Be safe tonight, and have fun!2017: My Year In Review. Graduation, employment, getting an agent, family, recovery and all around coming to a place of my own #happynewyears #newyears2017 Click To Tweet
What would you like to manifest for yourself in 2018?
What are you most proud of from this year?
Not a hugely exciting week. But I did get a few nice things…