I need to stop.
I need to slow down.
I need to stop pushing myself; putting so much pressure on myself.
I’m running myself to the ground in the effort to eliminate space.
I’m filling every gap of time with
So much friggen scrolling and clicking.
I’m not looking out, I’m only ever looking down.
I’m running at full speed
Ramped up and grasping on to the promise that if I just keep going I won’t fall.
I need to stop.
I need to let soft music take me down.
I need to actually taste the hot tea, and feel the warmth of the mug in my hands.
I need to smile and believe that things will be okay.
I need to stop pushing. Because what ever comes when it is being pushed?
I need to remember that if I do not get everything “now” it does not mean I disappear. I can still be there, quietly confident, believing and knowing that my path is my path. My journey is my journey.
In continuation of last friday’s post, I’m letting fear get the best of me. I’m letting my subconscious habit of putting pressure on myself completely take me away from myself. I’m running into the ground pressuring myself to have employment. To race the ticking clock before it leaves me feeling like a failure. I’m focusing on quantity over quality… completely and utterly forgetting about my values, my goals, and my belief in the work I actually want to do.
I had coffee with a mentor/friend/teacher this week. Without even knowing my current state…he reminded me that it’s okay to wait for that job you actually want. It’s okay to stand up for and believe in your highest potential. You don’t have to take every little opportunity that comes your way just so you can “be doing something.” We all just think we need to be DOING something…ALL THE TIME… like that is the only “stamp of approval” in this world of ours. Hell if you choose to work extra shifts at McDonalds, rather than take that mediocre low-grade gig that will really just make you feel like shit, just so you can save up money to be able to do what you actually WANT to do when the time comes, then that is you protecting yourself. That is you believing in yourself.
Years ago, I took every job and gig that came my way. Because I thought that’s what I had to do. I thought that’s what was going to make me feel – and appear – successful. There was just no other option, in my mind. But I was miserable in 9 out of 10 of these jobs. I was embarrassed. I knew I was better. And so my passion died. Of course it did. I was not feeding it with any pride or with the inner confidence I had in myself.
So I need to take a friggen step back, Cora.
I need to make a list of what is important and what to let go. What helps, and what does not.
I need to put down the damn phone. Stop the emails. Remember what it feels like to taste my tea and chocolate. Breathe. PICK UP A BOOK. Read something with real pages, with the radio on. Walk the halls with my head actually up, feeling my feet on my floor, confident that there’s a bad ass diva hidden quietly inside my gentle exterior.
I need to stop.
I need to breathe.
I need to remember.Stop putting pressure on yourself. Stop running yourself into the ground. Just stop, and believe… Click To Tweet
Have you ever had to tell yourself to ‘stop’?
My journey with hypothalamic amenorrhea continues. My journey recovering from an eating disorder……