Happy Sunday morning my doves,
A part of me feels like I want to apologize for my post on Thursday. I know that is also a silly thing to do but work with me. That was the type of thing I would usually write in my personal journal. That day, a bit of a straw broke. I was exhausted from shoveling stress onto myself – totally self perpetuated, yet seemingly impossible to stop. This exhaustion though finally lead me to a shift. A letting go and giving up. I came home late that night, with zero intention of putting out a blog post, but had so much in me that I could not ignore the urge to write. Instead of pulling out my journal, I pulled up my blog, typed, and hit publish without a hint of an edit. And that’s that.
Sometimes I think I am a bit over bearing. With everything going on in my head – the ups and downs, the contradictions – I feel like it may all be a little too much for the outside eye. I feel like there is often “no reason” for my deep thoughts and reactions. So a part of me does apologize, but a part of me also remembers that this is how I started the blog, and that as planned out, structured, compensated and organized as many blogs are, that is not always me. I just need to write. I have so many feelings, and I just want to get them out. Of course it all may be extra amplified right now due to my sensitivity to the transition phase I am currently in. But whether I write in my personal journal or somewhere the world can see, it doesn’t so much matter. It’s for me and it’s out there somewhere.
The ironic thing is, if we were acquaintances in person, you probably wouldn’t guess this is coming from me. I was actually told by my cast the other month that I’m the one who most “has it all together.” BAHA.
I’m sensitive. I’m complicated. It’s a blessing and a curse. I do not have a high tolerance for stimulation and react on the inside in ways the world cannot see. Technology overstimulates me. I was most definitely NOT fabricated to thrive in this overly stimulated, screen here screen there, society (though, who was?). I can only take 1/3 a cup of coffee. I can feel anxiety and sadness and unexplained voids of “weirdness” within hairs of each other. Maybe everyone does! But it feels like I notice them or at least make a point of them more than many others. My poor parents and my poor boyfriend for having to receive all the whacked out phone calls, texts and emails where I seemingly make no sense or delve into a deepness of life that may or may not even be valid. And you guys – for seeing this blog of a young woman who is kind of all over the place and writes way too many words about life and food and everything in between.
I do swear though that in the midst of it all, I am very intelligent, put together, mature and wise. Its such a strange combination.
I’m beyond thankful to have a mother and father who get that I have “things” going on they can’t always understand, but as much as they show, never judge me. My father always knows exactly how to speak to me and makes me feel like my feelings are valid. And my mother is one of the wisest, compassionate and spiritually-healing people on this planet. She sends me resources for meditation and beautiful pieces of writing and is always able to instill peace in me once again. If you are ever interested, she does have a little blog where she posts brief reflections. I do not say this to promote, but just because they bring me peace and may do the same for you.
It was Glennon Doyle Melton who first instilled the words, “showing up” in me. She reminds me that I am showing up, in all my messiness and sensitivities. I feel guilty 90% of the time, but at least I am not holding it in any more. When I do – illness occurs.
I just… wanted to say that. I wanted to say I’m sorry for being up, down, right, left, crazy, messy, confusing and wild. But I’m also working on embracing my messyness. Maybe it isn’t coming coming across as blatantly as I feel it is and I’m just feeling guilty for no reason. But guilt is also a part of this damn sensitivity. To any other HSP (highly sensitive people) out there…. I embrace your crazy.
Here are some resources I have found recently to help me with my anxiety and messy, confusing feelings.
A video on progression muscle relaxation
Guided audio exercises for ACT – Acceptance & Commitment Therapy
Marc & Angel Tips for Highly Sensitive People
As always, see my Inspiration and Resources page for more audios, books, podcasts and more
Do you ever feel like you are overbearing or “too much” to the people around you?