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Where My Life Is A Mess. And Where It Isn’t (Thinking Out Loud)

If there’s anything I want my blog to say, it is that life is a mess

I mean if you’ve been following me, you knoowwww I’m a hot mess 92% of the time.  

It’s impossible to eliminate. In fact when we try to?… things end up way more of a mess than before. Believe me, I’ve been there numerous times. 

As many things as there are that are a total mess in my life right now, I also feel a sense that everything is kind of…. okay. Maybe this is just a new place of trust I have lived my way up to. Maybe I’m simply too tired to give over to the anxieties any more.  But like I mentioned on Monday, I’ve started to feel recently like some loose ends are finally starting to come together. Like some clutter and so many unknowns are finally getting closer to the places I’ve imagined them to be. Or at least, like I can see the possibility of it all. The light at the end of the tunnel, if you will. I have excitement and hope within me. I mean, no, I still don’t have an apartment. I haven’t gotten my big break. My house is a disaster and my next month is going to a complete sh*t show. And yet, in embracing the mess, I am finding a sense of peace. 

beach mess

 Moments of peace within the mess

And because we all know I am a lover of lists…. let’s get listing. TOL style. 

 

 

Where my life is a mess:

 

  • My wardrobe is made of garbage bags.

I have countless garbage bags full of washed laundry all over my room. Continued precautions from my recent bug episode…mixed with laziness.  80% of my clothing is in bags, which makes the search for something to wear quite annoying. Not to mention my desperate need for an iron…

  • My computer is disgustingly drenched with pictures, videos and documents I don’t need.

I haven’t done any sort of organizing/deleting/purging since before visiting home this summer, so the amount of unnecessary pictures I have cluttering up my photo program makes me seriously itch. Let’s not even get started on my desktop and the amount of folders and saved web pages of possible apartments I have filling the screen. 

  • My email inbox is the GROSSEST it has ever been.

Speaking of space. Between applying for apartments – which means receiving notifications, sending out applications, arranging credit scores and letters of employment for both Dan and I, dealing with Equifax, and trying to arrange viewing times – AND my usual audition submissions, receiving of audition breakdowns, arranging rehearsal times, arranging studio times etc. etc…. my inbox has been growing by the tens each day, and I simply can’t keep up. As soon as November 1st comes and I have a place, I am scrolling right down that mother and deleting every.single.thing.I.no.longer.need. I can’t wait.

  • I have more socks with holes in them than without 
  • I have a freezer full of food I need to eat

Yet continually seem to take myself out regardless of this fact…

  • I think now all of my shoes, except one, has some kind of hole in them. 
  • I’m pretty sure I still have bed bugs.

Just trying to ignore that fact. 

  • And as I write this, I am still in search of a place to live November first

Yesterday morning, after putting in an application the day before, I biked to the library for 7:30 am when they open so I could print an additional form the landlord asked for. Then whipped to the bank for 8:00 am when THEY open to have them sign and stamp it. Came home. Had it all sent away before 8:30 am. Heard there was another offer on the apartment.  Chose to up my offer as well. Re-signed the rental agreement my real estate agent had to re-send. Waited in stress and excited anticipation. All to learn later that afternoon that the other offer was chosen. Que much sadness and disappointment. 

So here I am again. Looking like I may literally be homeless for the month of November.

What a mess. 

And where things feel okay:

 

Excitement for the future can go a long way in feeling like things are okay.

 

  • I have a real estate agent who has been a huge help with applications and driving me around to viewings. 

At least this is proving to be a huge solace. It is taking off a good load of stress and has me believing we will find a place. Plus, tromping around with a clipboard makes me feel super le-adult. 

  • I signed with an agent

Finally. This is exciting. That being said, I feel so ready for it that it just feels like the piece of the puzzle has finally found its spot. It means that I will not be spending nearly as much of my time being my OWN manager and thus spending hours submitting myself to auditions. That should open up some extra time. Wow. What a concept. 

  • I’m really excited to move

In organizing all my old cookbooks and recipe clippings, I’m super excited to be able to cook for more than just me. I’ve thrown/given away a lot of clothes/books/papers etc.  – much thanks to Marie Kondo – and am feeling a lot more stream lined and focused, in general. I have a small but concrete list of things I want to buy for our new place. Things that will make me feel more hygge. It’s amazing the grounding all this organizing and purging has brought me. Like I’m kind of finally becoming who I am…

  • My coffee at home right now is really good and I’m really enjoying breakfasts at my kitchen table

Hey, it’s the little things. 

  • I’m stage managing/assistant directing a show

Although not on stage where I want to be, I am working with professionals who are older than me and serious about their professions. This just makes me feel… professional, ya know? Like my actual age. I’m working in professional theatre which just makes me feel like the person I’m meant to be. 

  • I have potentials in my future

I had an audition for a company that would offer me a theatre instructing job as well as performance opportunities. AKA a real person job. I know I did well in my audition and would be a potential candidate, and would so love to see myself doing this kind of work. Of course the rest is out of my control as to if I get hired, but knowing the potential is there, and the excitement and hope that this in itself sparks, leaves me feeling like – again – I’m on the right path. 

peace hoola hoop mess

I think we could all use a little more peace hula hoop in our lives

I think maybe the take home of all this, for myself, is the beautiful discovery that in living a life that is aligned with your true desires – your soul – no amount of mess can take away the feeling of things being okayMaybe none of these hopeful things turn out for me in the next month. Maybe, then, I go back to the feelings of sludge and worry and sadness. But right now, having these images of hope and such clear desire are stronger than any holey-sock, supremely over cluttered technology, lack-of-wardrobe-bug-infestation-take-out-dinner mess can throw at me. 

Inner peace? Faith? Trust? I think any of those will do. 

Where Is Your Life A Mess? #thinkingoutloud #embracethemess #trust Click To Tweet

Tell me,

What is a mess in your life right now?  anyone else struggle with holes in socks…?

What feels okay?

 

 

19 COMMENTS

  1. Jamie@TheMomGene | 12th Oct 17

    Ohhh the messiest times in my life/house have been the best because it means I’ve been too busy living to tidy up. I’ve got a million plus one balls in the air with writing projects right now and my inbox looks like yours but I’m happy and the kids are healthy so life’s good!

    • Cora | 15th Oct 17

      Life is meant for living, and that means being messy. You, my friend, know how to live life right. <3

  2. Sarah @ Bucket List Tummy | 12th Oct 17

    I think a messy life is a good one. I can be type A about so many things, but others, I’m the most unorganized person around. There’s always something to do, but when I take a step back, I remind myself that i’m lucky there is always something to do and work towards. I have faith that come Nov 1 you and Dan will have a wonderful place. These experiences are testing your faith and patience, but I see life lessons coming out of it. I haven’t found a way to keep up with my inbox and honestly, I’m not sure I ever will. Some things are meant to be messy in life, thats what I tell myself!
    Sarah @ Bucket List Tummy recently posted…Pumpkin Chicken Crockpot ChiliMy Profile

    • Cora | 15th Oct 17

      You are 100% right Sarah. Always having something to do and work towards is HUGE. That’s the goal of a good life isn’t it? Its funny how I can try to be put together in so many ways, and yet am really a mess in most.

  3. danielle | 12th Oct 17

    congratulations!!! you seriously deserve all the self care and self love. you deserve it every single day no matter what, just for waking up, because you are YOU. you don’t have to do anything to deserve all the good, but i’m glad good things are happening. they will continue. the messy parts are really NOT a big deal. common, they are not. they are just things that annoy you in that perfectionist way but it’ll all be OK! i know it. i’m afraid to even share my messiness right now. it is almost too much? but i know i’ll get through it… i know it. i’m going to write down my list of wants and don’t want’s today because i need some self love and therapy, mega! hugs hugs hugs and rainbows and cheers πŸ™‚

    • Cora | 15th Oct 17

      They aren’t. They really aren’t. Annoy me in that perfectionist way. UGH YES THEY ARE.

      I know you will too. Did you do some writing? I’m always an email away for a rant/mind dump if you need one <3. Can I send you a big hug and mug of coffee and an envelope filled with happy thoughts? Okay - it's sent.

  4. Ellie Pell | 12th Oct 17

    Living out of garbage bags, oh baby I still have not completely unpacked and put up all my decor since I moved in July…and I move out in less than 3 months…
    My life still has stuff I need to give away, sell or put into storage. I am working through the food in my pantry and am trying to teach myself not to buy as much as I wont have food storage at all at the end of the year.
    I went to the bank and DMV today so my life feels a bit more organized…but I need to be frugal these next two months (even more so lol) and control what I can control.
    These changes though, they are exciting for you no? You should move to Ithaca on November 1st πŸ˜‰
    Ellie Pell recently posted…My brother’s weddingMy Profile

    • Cora | 15th Oct 17

      You are doing a lot of work being frugal and purging and organizing and minimizing – good for you!! It kind of gives you a high doesn’t it? It’s an exciting feeling to know you are using and needing less.

      That being said don’t try to control it ALL. Give yourself some breaks when you need those soul treats πŸ™‚

  5. Colleen | 12th Oct 17

    Messy? Did your parents mention that when they were here they were (politely) prohibited from going into the basement because of the chaos/clutter/catastrophe they would find? I told them there were monsters down there — which may be true — who knows!?? Sometimes I like to think of it as a treasury or an archive or a props room. It is certainly a challenge. But chaos can also spark creativity, right?
    Congratulations on getting an agent!! Way to go! So glad that you have found someone who recognizes the talent and drive in you and the love for what you want to do. So glad you have reached this marker in your career.
    Good luck with the apartment hunting, “Auntie Cora!” Hugs, ck

    • Cora | 15th Oct 17

      I will always have memories of your basement. I’m not sure I ever actually went down there, but the stories and thus the imaginations I made up in my head when I was little will always stick with me. Probably something like if I went down I’d be eaten by some basement monster and never come back. Regardless – it would be SOO fun to go down with you one day and hear all the stories of the things we find!! Can we do this?

  6. Susie @ Suzlyfe | 13th Oct 17

    Like the messiest food, sometimes the messiest lives are the ones worth having πŸ˜€
    Susie @ Suzlyfe recently posted…Damn It.My Profile

    • Cora | 15th Oct 17

      I don’t really see much life if there isn’t mess

  7. Emily Swanson | 13th Oct 17

    Sometimes I feel like some of the biggest messes are what God uses to make the most amazing paintings/tapestries. It sometimes looks SOOO incredibly messy or most of the time it feels like that, yet I know God can and does do something out of this person, this mess.

    So much in my life feels like a mess right now; I’m such a rollercoaster of emotions right now, but I’m learning a lot about really digging into what recovery looks like; it’s been really hard lately, but I know that God is good and His grace is sufficient.

    What makes me so excited is that you have had so many breakthroughs with your work/career; it makes my heart burst for you!
    Emily Swanson recently posted…Comment on What Skydiving Taught Me About Fear by KatMy Profile

    • Cora | 15th Oct 17

      True true true <3

      Wishing you all the ability to breathe through what feels like a big ol mess - of emotions and thoughts. Breathe through it and you will be reminded that this is life and it is meant to be lived <3

  8. Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets | 15th Oct 17

    Half the socks in my drawer are unwearable because of holes and yet I still have them. My underwear too, although Ave has a great wardrobe. Ha.

    We’ve all got messes, some more figuratively than others, and I think you’re making the most of yours. Rock on with yo’ bad self.
    Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets recently posted…Week in Review: The Translation Edition (#103)My Profile

  9. Kristy from Southern In Law | 15th Oct 17

    Girl, I think EVERYONE is a hot mess at least 90% of the time. I usually sit around 98% πŸ˜›

    But rest assured, I promise my inbox is worse than yours. I have emails from THREE YEARS AGO that I haven’t replied to but will maybe someday get back to them lol.
    Kristy from Southern In Law recently posted…SIL in Hawaii: Why You Should Rent a Car in Oahu + Our Favourite Day TripsMy Profile

  10. chasetheredgrape | 15th Oct 17

    I think you are doing great Cora. Things are crazy and hectic but you are using every single thing that happens to you as a learning experience, whether good or bad so that nothing is wasted. And that’s pretty darn cool and worth a major pat on the back.
    I cross all my toes and fingers for you and Dan so you can find your own “treehouse” full of loves and hygge vibes! And an extra toe cross for that job because it sounds great!

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