If there’s anything I want my blog to say, it is that life is a mess.
I mean if you’ve been following me, you knoowwww I’m a hot mess 92% of the time.
It’s impossible to eliminate. In fact when we try to?… things end up way more of a mess than before. Believe me, I’ve been there numerous times.
As many things as there are that are a total mess in my life right now, I also feel a sense that everything is kind of…. okay. Maybe this is just a new place of trust I have lived my way up to. Maybe I’m simply too tired to give over to the anxieties any more. But like I mentioned on Monday, I’ve started to feel recently like some loose ends are finally starting to come together. Like some clutter and so many unknowns are finally getting closer to the places I’ve imagined them to be. Or at least, like I can see the possibility of it all. The light at the end of the tunnel, if you will. I have excitement and hope within me. I mean, no, I still don’t have an apartment. I haven’t gotten my big break. My house is a disaster and my next month is going to a complete sh*t show. And yet, in embracing the mess, I am finding a sense of peace.
Moments of peace within the mess
And because we all know I am a lover of lists…. let’s get listing. TOL style.
I have countless garbage bags full of washed laundry all over my room. Continued precautions from my recent bug episode…mixed with laziness. 80% of my clothing is in bags, which makes the search for something to wear quite annoying. Not to mention my desperate need for an iron…
I haven’t done any sort of organizing/deleting/purging since before visiting home this summer, so the amount of unnecessary pictures I have cluttering up my photo program makes me seriously itch. Let’s not even get started on my desktop and the amount of folders and saved web pages of possible apartments I have filling the screen.
Speaking of space. Between applying for apartments – which means receiving notifications, sending out applications, arranging credit scores and letters of employment for both Dan and I, dealing with Equifax, and trying to arrange viewing times – AND my usual audition submissions, receiving of audition breakdowns, arranging rehearsal times, arranging studio times etc. etc…. my inbox has been growing by the tens each day, and I simply can’t keep up. As soon as November 1st comes and I have a place, I am scrolling right down that mother and deleting every.single.thing.I.no.longer.need. I can’t wait.
Yet continually seem to take myself out regardless of this fact…
Just trying to ignore that fact.
Yesterday morning, after putting in an application the day before, I biked to the library for 7:30 am when they open so I could print an additional form the landlord asked for. Then whipped to the bank for 8:00 am when THEY open to have them sign and stamp it. Came home. Had it all sent away before 8:30 am. Heard there was another offer on the apartment. Chose to up my offer as well. Re-signed the rental agreement my real estate agent had to re-send. Waited in stress and excited anticipation. All to learn later that afternoon that the other offer was chosen. Que much sadness and disappointment.
So here I am again. Looking like I may literally be homeless for the month of November.
What a mess.
Excitement for the future can go a long way in feeling like things are okay.
At least this is proving to be a huge solace. It is taking off a good load of stress and has me believing we will find a place. Plus, tromping around with a clipboard makes me feel super le-adult.
Finally. This is exciting. That being said, I feel so ready for it that it just feels like the piece of the puzzle has finally found its spot. It means that I will not be spending nearly as much of my time being my OWN manager and thus spending hours submitting myself to auditions. That should open up some extra time. Wow. What a concept.
In organizing all my old cookbooks and recipe clippings, I’m super excited to be able to cook for more than just me. I’ve thrown/given away a lot of clothes/books/papers etc. – much thanks to Marie Kondo – and am feeling a lot more stream lined and focused, in general. I have a small but concrete list of things I want to buy for our new place. Things that will make me feel more hygge. It’s amazing the grounding all this organizing and purging has brought me. Like I’m kind of finally becoming who I am…
Hey, it’s the little things.
Although not on stage where I want to be, I am working with professionals who are older than me and serious about their professions. This just makes me feel… professional, ya know? Like my actual age. I’m working in professional theatre which just makes me feel like the person I’m meant to be.
I had an audition for a company that would offer me a theatre instructing job as well as performance opportunities. AKA a real person job. I know I did well in my audition and would be a potential candidate, and would so love to see myself doing this kind of work. Of course the rest is out of my control as to if I get hired, but knowing the potential is there, and the excitement and hope that this in itself sparks, leaves me feeling like – again – I’m on the right path.
I think we could all use a little more peace hula hoop in our lives
I think maybe the take home of all this, for myself, is the beautiful discovery that in living a life that is aligned with your true desires – your soul – no amount of mess can take away the feeling of things being okay. Maybe none of these hopeful things turn out for me in the next month. Maybe, then, I go back to the feelings of sludge and worry and sadness. But right now, having these images of hope and such clear desire are stronger than any holey-sock, supremely over cluttered technology, lack-of-wardrobe-bug-infestation-take-out-dinner mess can throw at me.
Inner peace? Faith? Trust? I think any of those will do.
Where Is Your Life A Mess? #thinkingoutloud #embracethemess #trust Click To Tweet
What is a mess in your life right now? anyone else struggle with holes in socks…?
What feels okay?