My Dad just texted me.
He congratulated me on my day of auditions yesterday. Then he told me a quote he recently came across…
Yesterday I had a day off work, but as I explained here, a day off from “work,” isn’t actually a day off. It means a day for my real job. My dream. My goals. For doing what I need to do so that these days can far outnumber the days spent dealing with take out Uber drivers shoving their phones in my face…seating flocks of people who then get up and choose their own seat anyways….running my ass off delivering food to 6 hours worth of hungry people while not having three minutes to eat anything myself.
…The service industry.
In the morning I had a film taping for an agent showcase. I didn’t feel great about it. I felt heavy. Hopefully they got a good take but I realistically know it may have been $150 down the shooter. I don’t regret it, though. It’s another chance at being seen.
Later that afternoon I had an audition for one of the major Canadian theatre companies here in the city. Honestly, I was shocked I even got an audition. The artistic director had gotten to know me a bit through various things this past year, but not being a Union actor and not having a tonne of professional work under my belt, I wasn’t entirely sure why she brought me in. I mean, wow. It was really nice of her! I was excited and flattered that she, apparently, remembered me. I also knew it wasn’t an “I could get this part!” audition, but rather a “this is me and I want you to keep me in mind for future years when I am more established” kind of audition. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel that great about my work. I felt good going into the room, but just didn’t think I brought the right piece in. Like I didn’t present myself as I should have?? I don’t know. I now know I have a relationship with her. She knows me. I just really hope I didn’t turn this into a negative thing and screw myself over for the future.
Then that night I had my scene study film class. I felt good about my work in my scene… so at least I felt good about one out of three things that day.
Its amazing how I can so easily flop between believing I can act, and then believing I absolutely can’t.
One of my biggest supporters/mentors in the business keeps saying…“People just need to get to know you.”
Sigh. But how do I make that happen!?
And….. who is this person they just need to get to know? I know I need to bring myself into my work and choose pieces that show the panelists who I am, but, I’m still really struggling to figure that out.
When will people get to know me?
And when they do, will that be enough?
Will they see my talent? My desire? My dedication? Will they see something “special?” Will they want to work with me or will they just pass me off as “nice… but boring.”
Lately, I’ve been feeling quite self conscious.
Not just in my acting, but in who I am as a person.
I’ve been feeling self conscious even around Dan. Like all the little things I do are weird or embarrassing. Like I always have these images of lovely mornings and planned days where everything goes perfectly. And then, nothing in the day goes according to plan and everything I tried to make a lovely experience turns into absolutely nothing like I had imagined. And then I feel responsible. Ashamed. Embarrassed.
He once held me on a pedestal. He saw me as someone with many rays of perfection surrounding her. And then as we got closer, he began to see those rays dissipate. This was hard. But it ultimately brought us to who we are today.
Still however, there is a large part of me that wishes I was still on that pedestal and would really like to hop back on it. It’s been hard to have those images of myself shift in front of him. Like, with food. He used to see me as the “always make myself” “kombucha master” “hippy granola kale eating” goddess. And now I’m the one telling him I had a whole order of fries for dinner?! What does he think of this person that isn’t who she used to be? What do I think of this person who isn’t who she used to be!?
I fear the answer to both of these questions.
I fear how this will affect me when we are living together and he sees all of these “secrets” of mine – how I actually live my life and how I do many things that are weird and so not perfect, or clean, or organized, or that even make any sense. I don’t do things that are story book material and often I try, but fail.
My insecurities in my career are there. The other day my restaurant hired yet another actor and I just found myself thinking ” dear god EVERYONE wants to do the same thing as me. This is insane.” But they don’t stop me from doing what I’m doing. I continue to put blinders on everytime I meet yet another actor. Because they aren’t me. Just because there are a million people doing what I’m doing doesn’t mean I am not somehow unique. Somewhere inside I still know that I am special and that I have something to offer. I’m just waiting for the moment when someone else sees that, too.
And in other areas of my life, well I can’t exactly let those insecurities and fearsstop me either, can I? I love Dan, so we are just going to have to figure out these messy bits together and I am going to have to hold on to my boots for all the times he sees me not on the pedestal that I’d like to be on. I’m going to have to learn to be okay with him seeing my real, messy, so-not-story-book self, and hope that he accepts it all. Maybe… maybe… even like it?
What do you do with insecurities and self conscious thoughts?
Do you believe in perseverance?
Was it scary for you when your partner started seeing the real sides of you you often kept hidden?