Hello dear friends
It is afternoon here on Christmas Eve Day. My house is filled with a beautiful silence. I know it won’t last much longer, as I anticipate the arrival of my two brothers and their partners (and their dog). I’m sitting here by my window ledge looking out at the snow, drinking a mug of hot coffee and snacking on a collection of chocolate edibles. I just finished up a lunch of leftovers to help clear the fridge before the oncoming of stuffing and turkey arrives.
But there’s always room for fudge.
I still have a number of things to do before this evening’s christmas eve service, but my energy level has reached that of “holiday” status and so sitting sedentary, cocooned in a blanket sounded much more soothing.
A part of me can’t believe how this is still a struggle for me. The thought of sitting down to chocolate, not exercising, and remaining in what will most likely be this position until I eat my next meal still feels…. wrong.
I’ve been having more trouble this week than I thought I would. I’m having trouble remembering the things that are most important right now. I can tell myself the list, but the words don’t turn into feelings and sink into my bones like they sometimes do.
And when I say “right now,” I do not just mean Christmas. I mean being at home, with family. A holiday. The time when we as a this human global society have this excitement and expectation to lay low, eat more, move less, spend time with family, catch up on leisure reading, watch movies…
Why can’t I feel this excitement like others? Why are these parts of holiday-ing easy for some to delve into and embrace, while for me, it’s almost like handing me a torture device.
I’ve been more hungry since being home than I usually am and I’m trying not to scrutinize this. I’m eating more and moving less and I’m trying to refuse to let “those” thoughts ruin my time with family. I’m sitting here relaxing and a large part of me can feel the warm hug that I am offering myself by doing so. I feel that strange tug-a-war feeling of happiness and sadness combined… that feeling of letting go. But there is still the side that is uncomfortable.
But I can survive uncomfortable.
And there are more important things.
I have to keep reminding myself of this.
There are so many more important things.
Spending time with my brother and sister-in-law who I see so little and make the large trip from Newfoundland to spend time with us. Ashley has slipped into our family like bubbly, talkative butter. My brother is so good to her.
Seeing my other brother who has worked insanely hard this year after finally accepting his first position as a full time permanent elementary school teacher. He is so amazing at his job. He’s the best with kids. They are so lucky to have him.
Making my brothers’ partners feel welcome
Being nice. Treating others as they deserve.
Seeing Dan’s family. I’d really like to get closer to them and become more a part of their family. ‘Cause I freakin’ love Dan.
Spending time like this in the silence of my home. Just having the energy of others in the house – somewhere – is something to cherish when you are used to living alone.
Making homemade cards and wrapping the presents that I have made and carefully planned out for others. Giving them something to tell them I care, that I’m grateful, and they are loved. Spending the time this has taken is priceless.
Gathering around a large table, spending time with others. Remembering that talking and laughing are more important than thoughts about food.
Family is more important than what goes into my body.
I just had to remind myself of this. Thank you all who also work to remind me.
If only for one day, tomorrow is a day where I let all those thoughts go and focus only on what is most important.
So – a very Merry Christmas to you all. I hope your thoughts are focused on the things that truly matter and that you enjoy the compassionate warmth of spending time with others, eating your favorite foods, wrapping yourself up in cozy blankets, and letting yourself just be.
Have a wonderful night tonight and day tomorrow!
My journey with hypothalamic amenorrhea continues. My journey recovering from an eating disorder……