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Thinking Out Loud: Change Feels Weird

Guys. It feels weird.  

Yesterday I briefly spoke about how, right now, I’m feeling good. Happy, and at peace. 

I still stand by this. In fact yesterday was another really lovely day. That being said, this “feeling good” comes simultaneously with a sense of also feeling really…. weird. 

Change Feels Weird

Especially last week, when I was just learning my new schedule and was trying to formulate some sense of routine, there were many days where I just felt really, really weird. 

I felt – I feel – like I’m in this really awkward in between phase where I am having to re-process and re-learn how to, well, live my life. 

I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing…

Sort of….like puberty? (dear god don’t take me back there). 

Last week, there were so many times when I was handed a couple hours of free time and I just…. didn’t know what to do.  I knew there were things I could, and maybe “should,” do… but I couldn’t find the focus to actually do any of them. I always ended up being me going up and down hallways trying to formulate a plan, forgetting countless things in rooms and having to go back for them, going to my bag only to find out I left that thing upstairs… etc. etc. 

See, in the last number of years, my brain has been processed to think “free time = exercise.” When I have free time or know I will have free time, my very first itty bitty thought is….. “gym.” It’s just – a no brainer. Immediately I think “is that enough time to go to the gym?” “Oh good I can go to the gym.” Or “I guess I’ll go to the gym.” 

Even. To. This. Day. 

dont-resist-changes

Our brains take years and years to re-wire, especially if they’ve had years of wiring and conditioning behind them. 

So even in my healthiest days or weeks, where mentally I’m feeling good and the urges aren’t really there and I am eating well, my brain still automatically goes “free time?…. gym.”

I’ve mentioned before about my difficulty with free time. My past conditioning no doubt is the cause of this fear. I spent years of my life using any free time I had exercising. So I never really learned how to spend my time in any other way. Literally. I feel like I just don’t know how to do it? 

stop-being-afraid-2

Jen’s post this week hit it on the head – many of us do not know how to let ourselves be bored. Or are we afraid of what will happen?

So back to this feeling weird thing. 

Since I’ve gotten back from my trip and from my summer, I’ve felt really different. My motivation to do other things – including simply just relax or doing nothing – has been far more prominent over my motivation to exercise. There were a few days last week where I felt like an amoeba. My energy felt so… placid.  My motivation felt lacking – or at least thats what my brain tried to tell me. But what I realized, was that it was my motivation to exercise that was lacking. Not my motivation to rehearse or spend time with others. That motivation was there. It was my motivation to feel any sort of anxiety to do anything unhealthy for myself that was lacking. And when you are used to feeling anxious and are used to having those urges to restrict/exercise/isolate…. then not having them feels really weird. 

So when I’ve been having all these bits of free time lately, and my thoughts immediately go to “gym,” I’ve realized that I don’t really want to. I’d rather rehearse or read or relax. But then I have to deal with the CRAP of the debate in my brain about, “but maybe you should? You have nothing else you need to do. You should make use of this time. Why would you just do “nothing,” when you have free time?” I’m really tired of this debate and would like it to just not exist any more. 

and-now-ill-do-2

But. 

I’m choosing to do nothing. I’m choosing to kill time, talk with friends, watch TV, prep for my rehearsals, even when – yes – I very well “could have gone to the gym.” I want to move. But I want to move in the form of dance… or a walk… or a really flowy yoga class. I want to move in a way that feels good. 

I don’t want to rush, or feel hyped up, or feel anxious – things I almost craved a year ago. I just don’t want anything to do with it. I want to feel calm and present, even if that comes with some sadness. 

And…. I’m just like…. pouring my cereal. Like… “la de la de da.” I’m slathering mayo onto my sandwiches. I’m not measuring my ice cream. I’m eating to ensure I am not hungry during rehearsal so I can focus. I’m eating when I’m hungry, and eating when I’m not hungry because I just feel like I… should?

And it feels really weird. A little out of control….. yes. But for now I’m going to stick with

…weird. 

you-are-allowed-to-change

Linking up with Amanda today for Thinking Out Loud. 

Changing Habits Feels Weird. But Maybe Weird Is Good. #change #recovery #compassion Click To Tweet

Tell me,

When’s the last time a change made you feel weird?

Did you embrace it or run away from it? 

 

 

 

29 COMMENTS

  1. chasetheredgrape | 15th Sep 16

    I know this feeling… And it is weird but it’s a good kind of weird because you know that its a step in the right direction. That being said it doesn’t make it any less, dare I say, uncomfortable?
    The last time I had this feeling was when we first came to Australia. I was happy but it just felt so weird. I had to try and figure out a new routine, what I actually wanted to do rather than had to do and it was uncomfortable but that discomfort led to even more happiness as I grew to my new life.
    I think this is the same for you, you just need to grow and develop into your new life 🙂

    • Cora | 19th Sep 16

      It’s really been helping me, in these situations, to literally say to myself “this feels uncomfortable.” It reminds me that uncomfortable is just uncomfortable, and it is something we can handle.
      You can definitely resonate with how you felt in your move. Its weirdly uncomfortable, but I’d say you are proof that it all leads to something amazing.

  2. Casey the College Celiac | 15th Sep 16

    I can relate to this idea of “change is good” so well, just in different ways. For me, good change is seeing my ex on campus and not hurting as much. It’s spending hours lying in a hammock watching the sunset with a friend, even though I’m sure I have more “productive” things to do. It’s eating a night snack right now – 10:30 at night! – because I had weightlifting today, am hungry and – dang it – just want to eat! Change is weird and hard and confusing….but good for us in the end.
    Casey the College Celiac recently posted…Cacao Popcorn Truffles (Gluten Free, Vegan)My Profile

    • Cora | 19th Sep 16

      You nailed it on the head girl. Change feels damn weird.

  3. Sarah @ BucketListTummy | 15th Sep 16

    I think that just following our body and letting it dictate us, rather than our thoughts, can be so powerful! I’ve made some changes to try to focus on doing stretching and light yoga as soon as I wake up. It’s weird not going straight to the coffee machine or turning the news on, but peaceful. It will take some time to get used to (putting my “to do” list off), but I think my body is craving it more and more. And looking forward to it at night. I think change is always weird the first few times, but doing it over and over (mental memory) eventually leads to less thinking about it and more doing.
    Sarah @ BucketListTummy recently posted…Chocolate Mint Berry Quinoa BowlMy Profile

    • Cora | 19th Sep 16

      It can be extra weird/confusing when your mind and body are in a bit of a tug a war with each other. Your mind is saying – routine, coffee, news – but obviously your body is asking for something new. So then you are left in the middle of them trying to figure out what you want to do. That’s so awesome though that you are finding yourself looking forward to it at night. I need to stretch for even a few moments in the morning or else I find I can’t get my grounding for the day.

  4. Emily Swanson | 15th Sep 16

    Yep, change does feel weird, but I can testify that every change that has come through my life has been so good for me, because it has taught me so many things! I had so many of those experiences in recovery too; I used to want to do 3-4 hour workouts, but now I’m just happy with doing 20-30 minutes. I don’t really want to do a long one anymore.
    Emily Swanson recently posted…Why Drinking Diet Coke Can Be HealthyMy Profile

    • Cora | 19th Sep 16

      Crazy how those transitions just happen, eh? You look back and can’t always recall in in-between stage, but you can see the change and I guess that’s all that matters.

  5. Morgan @ Morgan Manages Mommyhood | 15th Sep 16

    I love how committed you are to making yourself feel GOOD. Society gives us a laundry list of things we should be doing with every free minute of time – i love that you’re throwing away doing what you want!
    Morgan @ Morgan Manages Mommyhood recently posted…How to Prepare for Baby Lead WeaningMy Profile

    • Cora | 19th Sep 16

      Does. It. Ever. I hate that laundry list.

  6. Evangeline | 15th Sep 16

    I have a teacher who always tells me not to call things weird…but different. Perhaps that’s just what you’re feeling. All this growth and recovery happening, it’s just ‘different’ from your past way of thinking/living/processing. But, you know you better than I do 🙂

    It is HARD to appreciate the deep, soulful rest inactivity can bring. I feel like a marshmallow when I hang out on the couch too long, but I think that’s part of the problem…equating inactivity with slacking off and weight gain. What?!? Why do we do that? Learning to give yourself meaningful rest and “lazy” days is a skill I’m working on but haven’t quite perfected yet.
    Evangeline recently posted…Thinking Out Loud: Why Body Shaming Is PointlessMy Profile

    • Cora | 1st Oct 16

      Your teaching is brilliant.
      AS ARE YOU. You are so wise beyond your years m’lady.

  7. Susie @ Suzlyfe | 15th Sep 16

    Change is change. It is neither good nor bad, and that is something that I think I have come to realize over time.
    Reactions are everything.
    I still can struggle with the idea of being still, but breaking your back? Kind of makes you ok with that. Because let’s just say that you don’t have an option!
    Susie @ Suzlyfe recently posted…Meet Ridley!My Profile

  8. Heather @ Polyglot Jot | 15th Sep 16

    So glad that you are feeling better and doing things that are making you feel good! Change is hard whether positive or negative–it just takes time to learn how to keep moving with the changes. Sounds like youre doing a fabulous job! 😀
    Heather @ Polyglot Jot recently posted…5 Fall Date IdeasMy Profile

    • Cora | 19th Sep 16

      And that’s it – you just gotta keep moving with it. No stopping.

  9. Ellie Pell | 16th Sep 16

    Hmm…when I last made a change that felt weird was taking classes again. It was weird because I was finally doing something I had wanted to do for years, but it was weird because I never thought I would have the money. It was weird because now I am doing classes and still feel like I shouldn’t be able to? I don’t know…it’s weird…
    Ellie Pell recently posted…4 Easy Steps To Get The Life You WantMy Profile

    • Cora | 19th Sep 16

      Hm. That is weird. I’m not surprised it still feels weird. But hopefully the weird is slowly but surely being replaced by a sense of “this is the right thing” and “I deserve to be doing this.” Weird can lead you where you are supposed to be, my friend.

  10. Sarah | 16th Sep 16

    I started “real recovery” 2 weeks ago and I can definitely say that change is weird and scary and uncomfortable. It really is a lot of rewiring your brain, right now I have to tell myself that food is my medicine and eating is my job! It helps to reming myself that without recovery I can’t have anything. You are doing so great girl, keep it up!
    Sarah recently posted…Recovery Updates September 2016My Profile

    • Cora | 1st Oct 16

      I just got this comment now, Sarah. I’m so sorry for not responding earlier.
      Thank you for commenting. I’m so proud of the work you are doing for yourself right now. Not many people will have to work this hard, ever, in their life. You go girl. You deserve this.

  11. Kate | 16th Sep 16

    I’m right there with you! Change is weird. But it is also glorious because I’m seeing new things and new sides of myself. It’s interesting trading time at the gym for time relaxing with friends. Even if the gym FEELS more productive, I don’t really think it is in the long run. We are much better keeping our lives low stress and happy by going on a walk instead or dancing with friends instead.
    Kate recently posted…Top 3 Friday #26My Profile

    • Cora | 19th Sep 16

      Absolutely. It can be scary to see new sides of yourself if you aren’t willing or ready to see them, but with an open mindset it can be really fascinating and you may even love the new sides you are seeing. And yes… there’s a disconnect between the feeling of “productivity.” Spending time on our happiness and spiritual selves is far more “productive,” than spending time on our abs.

  12. Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets | 16th Sep 16

    You know what I always say, the more you do it, the easier it will get.

    I still sometimes fight against relaxing in my mind but it’s way easier these days. After I drove Lucie to the airport last Wednesday morning, I made it a point to spend the rest of the day doing nothing, outside of taking care of the baby. When she napped though, I napped, read a book or watched TV. It was glorious.
    Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets recently posted…How Motherhood Has Changed MeMy Profile

    • Cora | 19th Sep 16

      I’m seeing how it is feeling easier and easier. But that in itself is feeling weird… aha. Thanks for being healthy motivator.

  13. Stephanie Leduc | 16th Sep 16

    Ah, this makes me so happy! I’m so glad to be able to follow along on your progress.
    I think doing really nothing can be a weird feeling for sure, the nagging thoughts in my head are always there telling me to do SOMETHING. But sometimes, nothing is quite amazing.
    Stephanie Leduc recently posted…Travel Series Part 2: The Rolling Hills of SwitzerlandMy Profile

    • Cora | 19th Sep 16

      I wish we could just make those nagging thoughts go away. For GOOD. But I guess we just have to keep showing them who’s boss by “doing nothing” in spite of their silly complaints.

  14. Kristy from Southern In Law | 17th Sep 16

    Good on you for listening to what you actually want and need and doing it – instead of just falling into the same old pattern! That is HUGE progress!
    Kristy from Southern In Law recently posted…Recent Things: Caveman Cravings, New Puppies & Reality BitesMy Profile

    • Cora | 19th Sep 16

      Thanks Kristy. Slowly but surely, wading through the weirdness.

  15. Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar | 17th Sep 16

    I loved reading this, Cora. And I’m so glad that this “weird” change has felt so good. It’s very astute of you to realize why it feels weird–that you’re not wanting to push yourself to exercise too much–and why that’s a really healthy and awesome thing, actually! Movement of all kinds is awesome, and it doesn’t have to be that tough “gym” kind of exercise–I think that’s one of the reasons I really got into swing dance right around the time that I started recovering. Keep it up!
    Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar recently posted…Vegan Blueberry Banana Breakfast Bake (low-FODMAP)My Profile

    • Cora | 19th Sep 16

      Its interesting, when I was in the hospital for recovery, when I started to get healthier I got these HUGE urges to return to my dancing. I hadn’t wanted to for years – I only wanted to go to the gym – but as my health came back I noticed I wanted to move my body, but in healthy creative soul filling ways. So glad you got into swing dancing and that’s its, in some way, helped with your recovery. Dance of any sort is so important and fabulous.

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