Guys. It feels weird.
Yesterday I briefly spoke about how, right now, I’m feeling good. Happy, and at peace.
I still stand by this. In fact yesterday was another really lovely day. That being said, this “feeling good” comes simultaneously with a sense of also feeling really…. weird.
Especially last week, when I was just learning my new schedule and was trying to formulate some sense of routine, there were many days where I just felt really, really weird.
I felt – I feel – like I’m in this really awkward in between phase where I am having to re-process and re-learn how to, well, live my life.
I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing…
Sort of….like puberty? (dear god don’t take me back there).
Last week, there were so many times when I was handed a couple hours of free time and I just…. didn’t know what to do. I knew there were things I could, and maybe “should,” do… but I couldn’t find the focus to actually do any of them. I always ended up being me going up and down hallways trying to formulate a plan, forgetting countless things in rooms and having to go back for them, going to my bag only to find out I left that thing upstairs… etc. etc.
See, in the last number of years, my brain has been processed to think “free time = exercise.” When I have free time or know I will have free time, my very first itty bitty thought is….. “gym.” It’s just – a no brainer. Immediately I think “is that enough time to go to the gym?” “Oh good I can go to the gym.” Or “I guess I’ll go to the gym.”
Even. To. This. Day.
Our brains take years and years to re-wire, especially if they’ve had years of wiring and conditioning behind them.
So even in my healthiest days or weeks, where mentally I’m feeling good and the urges aren’t really there and I am eating well, my brain still automatically goes “free time?…. gym.”
I’ve mentioned before about my difficulty with free time. My past conditioning no doubt is the cause of this fear. I spent years of my life using any free time I had exercising. So I never really learned how to spend my time in any other way. Literally. I feel like I just don’t know how to do it?
Jen’s post this week hit it on the head – many of us do not know how to let ourselves be bored. Or are we afraid of what will happen?
So back to this feeling weird thing.
Since I’ve gotten back from my trip and from my summer, I’ve felt really different. My motivation to do other things – including simply just relax or doing nothing – has been far more prominent over my motivation to exercise. There were a few days last week where I felt like an amoeba. My energy felt so… placid. My motivation felt lacking – or at least thats what my brain tried to tell me. But what I realized, was that it was my motivation to exercise that was lacking. Not my motivation to rehearse or spend time with others. That motivation was there. It was my motivation to feel any sort of anxiety to do anything unhealthy for myself that was lacking. And when you are used to feeling anxious and are used to having those urges to restrict/exercise/isolate…. then not having them feels really weird.
So when I’ve been having all these bits of free time lately, and my thoughts immediately go to “gym,” I’ve realized that I don’t really want to. I’d rather rehearse or read or relax. But then I have to deal with the CRAP of the debate in my brain about, “but maybe you should? You have nothing else you need to do. You should make use of this time. Why would you just do “nothing,” when you have free time?” I’m really tired of this debate and would like it to just not exist any more.
I’m choosing to do nothing. I’m choosing to kill time, talk with friends, watch TV, prep for my rehearsals, even when – yes – I very well “could have gone to the gym.” I want to move. But I want to move in the form of dance… or a walk… or a really flowy yoga class. I want to move in a way that feels good.
I don’t want to rush, or feel hyped up, or feel anxious – things I almost craved a year ago. I just don’t want anything to do with it. I want to feel calm and present, even if that comes with some sadness.
And…. I’m just like…. pouring my cereal. Like… “la de la de da.” I’m slathering mayo onto my sandwiches. I’m not measuring my ice cream. I’m eating to ensure I am not hungry during rehearsal so I can focus. I’m eating when I’m hungry, and eating when I’m not hungry because I just feel like I… should?
And it feels really weird. A little out of control….. yes. But for now I’m going to stick with
Linking up with Amanda today for Thinking Out Loud.Changing Habits Feels Weird. But Maybe Weird Is Good. #change #recovery #compassion Click To Tweet
When’s the last time a change made you feel weird?
Did you embrace it or run away from it?
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