How am I?
…. I’m really not sure to be honest with you.
But not in a hyper, energized, talkative and bouncy kind of way.
I don’t even know if I can say I’m “happy.”
Am I happy with my life, as it stands at this moment? No…. I’m not really. I don’t have an acting job. My dreams are not becoming a reality.
But this week, I’ve had this calmness about me. This sense of peace and clarity, that not even coffee has been able to break through.
I’ve felt present, and open to what is both around and inside me.
In the smallest moments… I’ve felt okay.
My energy has not been yearning for stimulation or hype, excitement or highs.
Rather, all I want to do is…
Take pictures of things that make me happy.
Like china town markets
And Kensington streets
And me walking in my bright red pants and clicky boots
I’ve just wanted to sit at sunny windows and color, without any idea what I’ll actually do
Or ride the new streetcars in the evenings.
I don’t know why but I find these just the most peaceful things (don’t worry – I’m actually going somewhere. But I will wait for the new ones if I’m not in a rush…..which is never these days it seems…)
There’s been this new sense of patience.
I’m giving in much better to all the “I don’t knows” …shaking my head whenever a splinter of doubt or anxiety begins to arise, as if to immediately shoo it away.
It’s not comfortable – relinquishing that desire to have things figured out right away. I have a zillion ambitions and things I want to do. But I can feel that muscle of patience being worked…and strengthened. There’s this new inner dialogue of “it will happen,” or “it’s in the works,”and a trust that this… may actually be true?
When your life is in a bit of shambles, it feels counter intuitive to be letting these fatalistic thoughts lead.
But when I think of listening to that, I just think…
I’d rather be coloring.
I’m preferring to bring my pencil crayons around with me. They are what I throw in my backpack, where my laptop once would be.
They’ve been giving me a lot of peace this week. I love coloring and being immersed in a world of simplicity. This other world that lies outside the realm of technology. Where clarity and calm can actually exist.
In this world I feel happy in the small moments. I’m in a world that exists outside of life’s stressors or the pressures I put on myself. I don’t have to think about them. I feel at peace as I just sit in the park, maybe not even doing anything but sitting there feeling the sun on my shoulders.
I feel happy simply at the notion of trying a new coffee shop
And smiling at the man sketching in his notebook beside me
I really like my backpack, and how I’ve been looking in my non-school real clothes
And I feel okay, just lying down in the sun when I still have 20 minutes to kill and don’t want to do anything else
I’m not really “happy,” and maybe I don’t really want to be.
Maybe something in me doesn’t want to say I’m happy because it says I shouldn’t be… since I’m not getting those big accomplishments I should be getting.
Can I be happy without these things? Am I allowed? Do I feel like a failure if I say I’m happy before I’ve gotten them?
I don’t know. Right now I just want the stillness. I just want these moments of calm to notice the little things and soak in the sun. I don’t know what feelings these moments are bringing, but in these moments, I feel as though I can wait. Like maybe I can actually wait for things to unfold.
All I know is, while I wait, I’d rather be with my pencil crayons.I'd rather be with my pencil crayons. Finding peace in the stillness. #calm #stillness #serenity… Click To Tweet
Thanks for letting me Think Out Loud this week
Do you like to color?