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It’s Over! What I Learned From The “Month From Hell”

 

Well…

It is OVER. 

October will forever go down as the month from hell. For both Dan and I. A true “time” in our relationship that’s for sure – and one that we will remember and look back on as “one of those times we got through together.” 

 

But here we are.

WE GOT A PLACE!!!

month from hell

…And the sunflowers are back

The place I mentioned in my Monday post about having fought tooth and nail for…  we got it. Man oh man it took everything out of me. Reference call after reference call after reference call. I swear the realtor called everyone both Dan and I know. Okay, maybe not everyone. But it was a little obsessive. 

POINT IS. Whatever we had to do and all the stress and anxiety we had to live with leading up to the outcome, it can all end now. Because we have a place. 

Our first place we will share together. 

Our first place we will call “our place.” To call “home.”

Eeeeeee. I write this and get all giddy as a school girl with excitement. 

month from hell

Happy

At first I was not excited. The first two days after hearing the verdict I was still far too jaded to feel excited. Jaded and bitter about this whole experience. And just tired. I was insurmountably relieved that I no longer had to spend all my time searching for and seeing apartments, but that’s it.

A couple days later though, once the details started getting hashed out, the lease officially signed, and Dan expressing his own love of the place and excitement about moving in together, then the excitement started to bubble. 

It’s cute. It’s homey. It’s old and antique (both things that are very “me”).  It will be our unique little place. Oh and it has a funky deck (and yard!) where I am determined to make into a jungle of potted herbs and veggies and plants. I WILL LEARN NOT TO KILL EVERYTHING I TOUCH. 

 

So, what have I learned from this whole experience? From this last month?

 

Well apart from the actual act of apartment hunting teaching me what I really do want in a home, what location I wanted to live in, what locations I do NOT want to live in, what I was willing to budget for and what I was not…

I learned, once again, that I really really hate any feeling of superficiality. It does something very strange to me.

By ‘superficiality’ I mean…when someone looks at you only as a set of numbers, or the amount of money a paper says you make, or the stereotype of your career, or whether or not you have tattoos. Your gender or your age. When someone doesn’t care to get to know you.

Competition. When people will do anything, say anything, offer anything to get what they want – and how they will usually win for it. 

I hate it all. 

Dan and I just aren’t like that. 

I come from a place of trust. Too much trust, most often. And it often burns me. I come from a place where people get to know people, and good things happen. Where people don’t do bad things and people make the right decisions…based on ethics and human decency. 

month from hell

Card from Mom

 

How does it all affect me?

 

I learned that, when I’m faced with all these feelings of competition and prejudice and “too many people in the world”… I don’t actually get mad. 

I get soft. 

I know on here I’ve ranted quite a bit (and thank you for putting up with it). But in my days, in real life? I’ve actually been very quiet. 

At work, I’ve felt an increased desire to be kind to people. An increased desire to be real. To see them. Talk to them. Like real human to real human.

I start to feel fragile. And yet, open?

Maybe it was a a feeling of defeat. Maybe it was sadness.

But I give way to the anger. I give in. I get quiet. I get soft. 

month from hell

How Do you React to Sadness? Defeat? #sensitive #empath Click To Tweet

I’ve also learned that when I am feeling sad or defeated or hurt, I seem to put all my energy into ensuring others are okay. It’s like a really weird martyring coping mechanism. It killed me to think that Dan was feeling any of the same feelings that I was. I needed to know that he was okay. I think that’s why I reacted the way I did at work, too  – being extra sensitive and kind to others. It’s like all my sad energy goes in and comes out as an increased form of empathy. Heck, I couldn’t even get excited until I knew Dan was excited. Maybe knowing someone else feels okay makes me feel better? Maybe it is some sort of call for attention? Or maybe I just selfishly want to hoard all the hard feelings for myself. I’m really not sure. I’m not sure what doing this gives me. 

But it’s been very interesting to see how I’ve reacted through all of this. month from hell

And NOW!? We move on. To new things. New excitements. Gosh it’s all going to be so new. There will be lots of road bumps to come, I’m sure… but I’m so excited. Que the bed linen shopping and new routine-making. Que the new-starts and unpacking pizza parties. Que more time for cooking! Normalcy! Blogging!

It's Over!! What I Learned From My Month From Hell #relief #excitement #thinkingoutloud Click To Tweet

Linking up with Amanda for Thinking Out Loud. 

How do you react to defeat? sadness? stress? Do you get angry? Do you get quiet?

Do you ever find yourself putting energy into others when you, yourself, are feeling soft? ….Why do you think this is?

 

 

 
 

 

35 COMMENTS

  1. Collee | 26th Oct 17

    Hurrah!!! So glad to hear you have found your own little nest! I hope you and Dan have a wonderful time together in your new place.
    And bless you for facing the unkindness and competition in this world by digging into your well of kindness. You become more of who you are — compassionate and caring. I tend to get snarky and then, later, feel really regretful about being someone I don’t really like or feel is my true self. But, to be honest, sometimes you just have to let the snark out!! and the ones who know and love you anyway. Hugs, ck

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      That’s an interest look on it. I often see/feel it more as a weakening…

      And I am 200% on board with letting the snark out!!! Anyone who holds that in simply scares me more! I’ll love you through all your snark. Plus, I know to just bring you chocolate and wine.

  2. Ellen @ My Uncommon Everyday | 26th Oct 17

    YOU GOT A PLACE! And you got through it all together. Gahh so sweet and I’m so happy for you ❀️ Also, I love and adore Collee’s “You become more of who you are” comment. I think that’s so insightful about how people react to adversity… and now I’m having really deep thoughts and welling up with tears at 8am.

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      Thank you Ellen!

      We really can learn a lot about ourselves and others based on how we react to situations out of our norm, can’t we?

  3. Kristy from Southern In Law | 26th Oct 17

    Yayyyy! That is such great news! Congratulations!!!!!!

    I definitely try to distract myself by doing things for others when I’m stressed instead of dealing with the stress which is so silly! But that’s me!
    Kristy from Southern In Law recently posted…Recipe: Easy Salami Spinach and Ricotta CannelloniMy Profile

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      That’s so interesting though…

      I wouldn’t say silly at all. <3

  4. Jamie@TheMomGene | 26th Oct 17

    Oh I definitely do the martyr coping thing too. Jody sees it coming from a mile away. His mantra: “I’ll be fine. How are YOU?”

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      Oh my gosh your level of understanding and similarity is astonishing! That is exactly IT!!!

  5. Susie @ Suzlyfe | 26th Oct 17

    YEYAY for a place. YES. That takes so much pressure off.
    I react very weird to competition. I used to dig in my heels and fight back, but now, I too tend to go “soft.” I focus on others as well–but I have also come to realize that doing so can be selfish–because you are, as you say, martyring yourself to help others. I think the next step is to find the middle ground–help others, and in so doing help yourself, but also practice the self care necessary to help you process what is going on.
    Susie @ Suzlyfe recently posted…To The Finish Line (Review + Giveaway + Final Running Coaches Corner)My Profile

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      Yes – that’s why I didn’t write this necessarily from a positive outlook on how I react… I don’t necessarily see it as a “good” thing so don’t want to be idolized for it in anyway. Martyring does have a selfish component. That’s the part I’m trying to get my head around to understand. What do I want from others in reacting this way!?!

  6. danielle | 26th Oct 17

    hooray!!!! wow wow wow that’s brilliant. it’s such great news and i know you and Dan will be blissfully blissed out in your new abode. i love the sound of it, all hippy and antique and cool. and a garden!!! wow you are my hero. i’m too faint of heart and short of patience for the gardening but i love nature. go figure. i will enjoy a garden one day, but for now our tiny yard mocks me. mocks mocks mocks!!!
    i can certainly understand that feeling of wanting to turn inward but help outwardly, it’s complicated. but emotions are complicated things and don’t need explanations. you can actually feel however you want, anytime you want, and it is totally OK. it doesn’t have to make sense. actually NOTHING has to make sense to anyone but you. who cares about the outter world as long as your home and your bubble is golden πŸ™‚ peace to you my friend! and congrats.

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      It IS hippy and antique!! And so to me… pretty cool :). Hahaha well come spring when I try to put on my gardening pants, I’ll let you know how it goes. So far I kill everything that I touch sooooo…… that should be interesting.

      Turn inward, help outward. My god woman you word things perfectly. <3

  7. Emily Swanson | 26th Oct 17

    AAAHHH!!! I am so excited for you; it will be so amazing to make that place feel homey.

    When I get defeated I often get really silent, almost stony silent, and my family notices it. I’m thankful for a sister of mine who always is so kind to want to pull me out.

    <3
    Emily Swanson recently posted…Comment on Some of My Favorite Places In Eastern Europe by KatMy Profile

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      Thannnnnk you Emily!! It will feel amazing….. once I get through this mass of boxes and furniture, haha.

      I think I get silent, too. I think it is most important that we have people around us that notice and know these things about ourselves. And will SAY something to us. Because we definitely won’t come out and say it, will we.

  8. Ellie Pell | 26th Oct 17

    I think it’s part of a people pleasing complex. You cannot make yourself happy, so you strive to make everything ok for everyone else. Then if they aren’t happy, you take that on as it feels like it’s your fault. It’s so hard to remember that whatever they are dealing with, it’s not yours. However, sometimes focusing on helping someone else gets you out of your own misery for a bit am I right?

    CONGRATS ON THE PLACE! πŸ™‚
    Ellie Pell recently posted…Inside Tracker Blood Test #2My Profile

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      Hmm. That’s a very interesting perspective. I think maybe some people resort to people pleasing. A little too much perhaps. It’s an interesting way of coping with things.

      Thank you lady!! I need to catch up on where you are…. have you actually found a place? Or just preparing to move…

  9. Naomi @ Naomi Why: Roots | 26th Oct 17

    Yayayayayayay! Your very own home together. <3 I know what you mean about the martyring coping mechanism. For some reason, sometimes it feels easier when you take everything on yourself. I'm not sure why. But I love that you're able to recognize this and sit with it.
    Naomi @ Naomi Why: Roots recently posted…be still + fall break recapMy Profile

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      “sometimes it feels easier when you take everything on yourself.” —- RIGHT?? I think it somehow feels “emotionally” easier, for some of us. I’m not sure why either. I think for me the emotions connected with knowing I’ve done something to others, or others feeling bad, feels too hard for me to handle. I’ll do anything to avoid it. I’m trying to get my head around the martyring coping mechanism and what I actually want from others when I do this.

  10. chasetheredgrape | 26th Oct 17

    Oh my goodness I am so excited to hear your news! The application process always sucks and is a hard time, but as I said you were meant to have the home you got… And I think a little deck on a homely antique place sounds just perfect!
    Time now to get excited and start prepping for the move! I think moving in with Dan is going to make you so happy. Yes your surroundings count but I swear the biggest sense of hygge I get is simply having David by my side each night when I go to sleep πŸ™‚

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

      mmmm Hygge.

  11. Juli@1000lovelythings | 27th Oct 17

    First thing: congratulations! it’s awesome to have a place to built a life together now. Moving in together will make a few things a lot easier for sure!
    I also can 100% understand that you were not excited in the beginning. When something really good happens I was waiting for forever happiness and excitement is never the first feeling I respond with.
    I also get the competition thing so well! I hate it. I leave competetive situations and don’t seek them out at all. I don’t even like board games ;-P I feel like our professional lives are so full of competition we have to face that it’s just unnecessary to create competitive stressors in our private lives.
    That’s something really interesting I learned about myself this year. When something affects me negatively I get angry. I hate feeling weak and being sad/ hurt etc. makes me feel very weak. Anger is a ‘more in charge’ emotion so I guess I let it rule over. Bad bad habit! I wish I would be all nice and empathetic and make others feel good intead of fuming quietly just me and my resting bitch face πŸ˜›
    Buuuuut now allow yourself to be all excited and enjoy your life and pizza together πŸ˜€
    Juli@1000lovelythings recently posted…Week in Review – Bouncing backMy Profile

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      “When something really good happens I was waiting for forever happiness and excitement is never the first feeling I respond with.” Ha. Isn’t that interesting.

      “I feel like our professional lives are so full of competition we have to face that it’s just unnecessary to create competitive stressors in our private lives.” —- Ummmm. Yup.

      I don’t think it so much matters how we react… but that we simply learn these things about ourselves so we are aware and know. Then we can choose what to do with it. I LOVE my resting bitch face and I don’t CARE what people say about it. So I love yours too.

  12. Sarah @ Bucket List Tummy | 28th Oct 17

    YAY!!! So excited for you and Dan – I can’t wait to hear more about this new “home,” and your yard and everything. I know it was a huge process to get here with many downs along the way but hopefully it’s mostly ups from here. I feel you on the whole superficiality thing – when applying for homes/apartments, they don’t get to know the person at all, which is a huge bummer. Things on paper don’t tell the whole story. Either way, sounds like the best people got the place – Congrats to you and Dan!
    Sarah @ Bucket List Tummy recently posted…Friday Favorites #27My Profile

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      Thank you Sarah!! It’s been quite a process, but it is starting to come together and feel like “home” πŸ™‚

  13. Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets | 28th Oct 17

    Congratulations on finding a place, and one you actually wanted at that. I’m thrilled for you and Dan and am excited to see you nests (and the lists that come of that same nesting).

    I think if everyone was more empathetic when times were rough this world would be a much better place. Keep being open even when the world is jaded and jagged. We need more people like you.
    Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets recently posted…Currently: October 2017My Profile

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      Oh my goodness new houses come with SO many lists. Lists that will probably remain unchecked for months to come….

  14. Alyssa | 29th Oct 17

    i really don’t react the best to stress at times, and i even physically feel it’s affects on my body. lately i’ve just been trying to go with the flow more rather than gripping so tightly onto things. my mantra has been “soften” in all areas of my life. i’m glad you got through this month and can come out even stronger cora! looks like you learned some great lessons too.
    Alyssa recently posted…Friday ThoughtsΒ My Profile

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      Going with the flow and softening is a constant bit of work, and one I don’t think I will ever be “done” working on. But being aware of the desire is a pretty huge step.

  15. Kaylee | 30th Oct 17

    YAAAY! can’t wait to possibly see pictures once y’all get settled in! Hope you feel this stress lifted off of your shoulders.
    That’s a really interesting and insightful lesson you learned through this. But yes I hate superficiality too. And worry that sometimes I come across as being disingenuous when I really am just interested in people. Hopefully that makes sense.
    Also, no thanks needed for ‘putting up’ with your ‘rants.’ It’s your blog and that’s what it’s there for πŸ™‚
    Kaylee recently posted…Recent Eats: SeptemberMy Profile

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      Ahh that’s an interesting concern and I can see your worry (not many people would even consider this). But I have a feeling the energy you give off to people around you makes it clear to them that you are indeed being genuine. <3

  16. Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table | 30th Oct 17

    I get flat out ANGRY. Like, you better not be to blame for my defeat… LOL! I bounce back quickly though. No point in wallowing in it!

    Congrats on the new digs!!!
    Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table recently posted…Butternut Squash & Apple Soup with RosemaryMy Profile

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      Ehhh there’s nothing wrong with a bit of quick released passion. Better out than in I always say!

  17. Week In Review: A Messy Wonderful Week of Auditions and (not) Packing | 30th Oct 17

    […] out three posts including a celebratory thinking out loud and my latest favorite muffin […]

  18. Evangeline | 30th Oct 17

    Congratulations a billion times. I’m painfully behind on my blog reading, but I had to stop by and wish you the best. I know your new place will be wonderfully cared for, homey, a place of respite and refuge. Like a home should be. Wildly happy for you both <3
    Evangeline recently posted…thoughts on losing fitness.My Profile

    • Cora | 4th Nov 17

      Thank you thank you dear Vangie. I’m behind in all my reading too. My life is a mess so if you are feeling similar, then we are in it together!

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