It is OVER.
October will forever go down as the month from hell. For both Dan and I. A true “time” in our relationship that’s for sure – and one that we will remember and look back on as “one of those times we got through together.”
But here we are.
WE GOT A PLACE!!!
…And the sunflowers are back
The place I mentioned in my Monday post about having fought tooth and nail for… we got it. Man oh man it took everything out of me. Reference call after reference call after reference call. I swear the realtor called everyone both Dan and I know. Okay, maybe not everyone. But it was a little obsessive.
POINT IS. Whatever we had to do and all the stress and anxiety we had to live with leading up to the outcome, it can all end now. Because we have a place.
Our first place we will share together.
Our first place we will call “our place.” To call “home.”
Eeeeeee. I write this and get all giddy as a school girl with excitement.
At first I was not excited. The first two days after hearing the verdict I was still far too jaded to feel excited. Jaded and bitter about this whole experience. And just tired. I was insurmountably relieved that I no longer had to spend all my time searching for and seeing apartments, but that’s it.
A couple days later though, once the details started getting hashed out, the lease officially signed, and Dan expressing his own love of the place and excitement about moving in together, then the excitement started to bubble.
It’s cute. It’s homey. It’s old and antique (both things that are very “me”). It will be our unique little place. Oh and it has a funky deck (and yard!) where I am determined to make into a jungle of potted herbs and veggies and plants. I WILL LEARN NOT TO KILL EVERYTHING I TOUCH.
Well apart from the actual act of apartment hunting teaching me what I really do want in a home, what location I wanted to live in, what locations I do NOT want to live in, what I was willing to budget for and what I was not…
I learned, once again, that I really really hate any feeling of superficiality. It does something very strange to me.
By ‘superficiality’ I mean…when someone looks at you only as a set of numbers, or the amount of money a paper says you make, or the stereotype of your career, or whether or not you have tattoos. Your gender or your age. When someone doesn’t care to get to know you.
Competition. When people will do anything, say anything, offer anything to get what they want – and how they will usually win for it.
I hate it all.
Dan and I just aren’t like that.
I come from a place of trust. Too much trust, most often. And it often burns me. I come from a place where people get to know people, and good things happen. Where people don’t do bad things and people make the right decisions…based on ethics and human decency.
Card from Mom
I learned that, when I’m faced with all these feelings of competition and prejudice and “too many people in the world”… I don’t actually get mad.
I get soft.
I know on here I’ve ranted quite a bit (and thank you for putting up with it). But in my days, in real life? I’ve actually been very quiet.
At work, I’ve felt an increased desire to be kind to people. An increased desire to be real. To see them. Talk to them. Like real human to real human.
I start to feel fragile. And yet, open?
Maybe it was a a feeling of defeat. Maybe it was sadness.
But I give way to the anger. I give in. I get quiet. I get soft.
How Do you React to Sadness? Defeat? #sensitive #empath Click To Tweet
I’ve also learned that when I am feeling sad or defeated or hurt, I seem to put all my energy into ensuring others are okay. It’s like a really weird martyring coping mechanism. It killed me to think that Dan was feeling any of the same feelings that I was. I needed to know that he was okay. I think that’s why I reacted the way I did at work, too – being extra sensitive and kind to others. It’s like all my sad energy goes in and comes out as an increased form of empathy. Heck, I couldn’t even get excited until I knew Dan was excited. Maybe knowing someone else feels okay makes me feel better? Maybe it is some sort of call for attention? Or maybe I just selfishly want to hoard all the hard feelings for myself. I’m really not sure. I’m not sure what doing this gives me.
And NOW!? We move on. To new things. New excitements. Gosh it’s all going to be so new. There will be lots of road bumps to come, I’m sure… but I’m so excited. Que the bed linen shopping and new routine-making. Que the new-starts and unpacking pizza parties. Que more time for cooking! Normalcy! Blogging!It's Over!! What I Learned From My Month From Hell #relief #excitement #thinkingoutloud Click To Tweet
Linking up with Amanda for Thinking Out Loud.
How do you react to defeat? sadness? stress? Do you get angry? Do you get quiet?
Do you ever find yourself putting energy into others when you, yourself, are feeling soft? ….Why do you think this is?