So I actually wrote this post over a month ago, and then chose not to post it. But over the past couple weeks, I’ve had a few experiences that brought me back to see what I had written.
Specifically – I was in the dressing room (oh the wonderful things you hear when you spend hours a day in a small dressing room filled with women looking at themselves in wall sized mirros). It was almost 1:00 in the afternoon, and one of my cast mates said, “Wow I’m hungry! Why am I hungry? I ate breakfast and everything!…”
…. I ate breakfast and everything!? It’s 1:00!!! By that time I had already eaten breakfast, snack AND lunch.
Hence… why I’m bringing this post back. Here goes.
…when the person next to you says, before you even begin, “looks like I’ll have dinner tomorrow!” … but you sure as heck know you won’t.
Okay. I don’t know if this is so much a rant…. or just a plea for clarification. Maybe its me just being sensitive and confused and kind of frustrated and needing to get out a lot of rhetoric questions which I already kind of know the answer to….
But guys – I don’t get it.
Why does it seem like I eat so much more than anyone around me?
I’m not talking about the blog community here. You guys are different. I think its safe to say that most of the people who hang out here share a common love of food and a sense of “health” which stereotypically includes eating on a regular basis, having snacks, home cooked meals, packing lunches, regular eating schedules etc.
I remember this night clearly – on the way to DQ – both my brother and soon to be sister-in-law told me they had not eaten anything since lunch. It was 11 pm.
….Yet I was the one to get a regular sized post dinner blizzard.
No, I’m talking about the people that I am around on a day to day basis. Colleagues, classmates, cast members, employees, friends. Young adults in their 20s. And even directors and teachers much older than me.
I’ve admitted to my struggle and frustration with the schedule I am often given. I very often have rehearsals scheduled right during typical meal times. 12:00 to 4:00 and 5:00-10:00 with a 4:00-5:00 meal break, for example. Well a recent week of mine was another example of that. We worked from 9-2:30, had our “lunch” break from 2:30-3:30, and finished at 8:30 for a 9:00 “dinner.”
But here’s the thing – I seemed to be the only one who thought anything of it! (I didn’t say anything out loud – but when the director at 2:30 nonchalantly said “is it time for some food?” I seemed to be the only one thinking, “um…. ya think!?!“).
So I went to my bag of tupperware and gave my hangry soul immediate sustenance. Some others did the same, some went to McDonalds, but the rest? They laid down. They talked. They hung out. …… where was their food!?!
My daily lunch “bag”… literally
But the REAL thing about that day was – in the morning we did a little exercise which involved saying what we ate for breakfast that morning. There were 23 of us in that room and I think 3, maybe 4, of us said something that was somewhat reminiscent of a real meal. The rest of them?
“An apple and coffee.”
“One of those kasha granola bars.”
I’d say almost half of the room hadn’t had anything for breakfast.
Not having breakfast doesn’t even cross my mind as a possibility. Even if I have to throw my panake into a tupperware and take it out in public…
So – here I am – I ALWAYS eat breakfast, always eat three square meals a day (preferably spaced out and at regular eating times) plus a snack and always come home to a plate full of something sweet. And yet, I am underweight.
Everyone around me? Why does it seem like they eat maybe one… maybe two?… meals a day (I mean the amount of times I hear people saying they hadn’t eaten breakfast astounds me!!!) and yet they maintain normal/ healthy weights?!? Why was I the only one eating before our performances last week? …AND after.
It doesn’t make sense.
Post performance bed time snack: Two protein cereal squares + applesauce + chocolate
Now, okay, I rationally know some explanations for this. The meals these people DO have – even if just one or two a day – are possibly higher in calories than my average meals. These people, perhaps. splurge more than me on higher calorie snacks more frequently. They eat things and don’t count it as “eating.” They go out and drink much more than me on the weekends. Maybe they actually do go home and have their biggest meals before bed – when I don’t see them.
And then here’s a question for you…. when people say “I haven’t eaten all day!” (which I hear ALL the time and it drives me CRAZY)….. do they actually mean it? Or, to them, does “eating nothing,” just mean they haven’t had a full, real meal yet? I feel like I’ve asked a few people to elaborate after they say this statement and usually they end up saying they had a granola bar… snacked on some chips… a pop… etc. No meal, but still definitely calories. Maybe – to them – this equates to “nothing?”
While to me and my disordered past, “eating nothing” literally means I haven’t eaten anything all day. Nothing.
Another post-rehearsal “snack” plate: A shortbread/chocolate magic bar + Astro cappuccino flavored yogurt
So I hear this and I get…. annoyed.
I haven’t even been focused on eating to gain weight, I’ve just been focused on eating normally, and yet here I am – the one who was hospitalized for not eating enough – and yet I seem to be the only one concerned that we are not being given proper breaks to feed ourselves. Maybe I should just be more like them and skip breakfast and only eat one meal at 3:00 in the afternoon…. maybe then I’d be normal!?
Sorry. I’m being facetious. But help me out here. Everyone around me appears to not eat very much. Can it really be that I just don’t see when they do eat? Or that they make up their calories in just one or two meals? Are people serious when they say “I haven’t eaten all day?” Am I just food obsessed and time rigid and hangry more than a normal person??
Linking up with Amanda for some
Ranting Thinking Out Loud
Edit to add: I’ve been catching up with Ellen’s blog recently. My respect for this young woman is so high. She’s written eloquently about her struggles being thin and her troubles gaining weight, despite eating a good healthy amount of food. It is a really tough place to be when you are very thin, yet feel like people are constantly watching you eat. She, and this post of mine, have me thinking back to my post about how hard it is to gain weight.
And WHILE WE ARE RANTING. Remember my post on calorie counts on restaurant menus? Yeah. This has been driving me more crazy then ever lately. The numbers on the menus are growing! They are everywhere!! Now they are right on the main McDonalds Menu screens – not even in small fonts, either, but right there big and bold, as if it is part of the meal’s name. And starbucks. Don’t friggen get me started on starbucks.
Are there people in your life/workplace who seem to never eat on their breaks and talk about not eating breakfast?? What’s the deal?!?
Do you believe people when they say, “I haven’t eaten all day?”
My journey with hypothalamic amenorrhea continues. My journey recovering from an eating disorder……