I’ve been having a bit of a hard time this past week or so (and no, not anything to do with my little injury either). Just something internal that’s been rather hard to figure out.
I’ve been having a really hard time just…. getting my head on straight.
I’m feeling very unfocused.
Feet not firmly on the ground
I feel like everything I’ve been doing has been done unmindfully. Without intention or presence.
Like nothing I do ever feels in control.
I feel like everything I do is done while fifteen other things are swirling around in my head. Or that I’m simply doing 15 things at once. Parts of things, and never one thing completely.
I have many things I want to do. And yet when the time comes, I panic. I don’t know how to use it.
This week…taking myself out for some undistracted journalling time
I’m craving intention.
More early morning yoga and a routine that I stick to each day.
I’m craving organization and clarity in each of my days. A neatly laid out day book where each morning I write out my plan for the day.
One thing at a time…
The words that stick out to me here are… Routine. Clarity. Structure. Plan. Focus.
And mostly… intention.
It is these things I feel I am lacking, and these things I find myself reaching out for.
Well I think it makes sense. I’m an extreme busy body, meaning the only way I know how to be is… busy. I’ve always been this way. But I do think it lives in me to the extreme, and it often harms me.
The summer was very busy… working too much, above all. Then October and, specifically, November were absolute gong shows. Between packing, moving, and then the show I was stage managing, my time was taken.
And now… I’m settled in my new house. My work shifts have gone down. My agent is in charge of finding me auditions. And thus, I have settled into a more “normal life.” This is not a bad thing and I am by no means complaining. It just means, I have transitioned into something different and am having to find a new rhythm.
Its rather interesting that whenever I enter these “slower” phases of life, I get scattered and anxious and crave discipline and structure.
Purpose to my days?
This new season has also come with a shift in my surroundings. I now live with Dan, and although I love everything about this, it has meant some new internal shifts.
It’s meant that now sharing my time with someone else has become more of a presence in my planning. I want to share my time, and so I feel guilty when I am not. Those 15 other things I mentioned that float around in my head while I’m doing something? A lot of those have to do with, “should I be doing something with Dan?” “What is Dan thinking?” Even though I know Dan is not thinking nearly the same kinds of thoughts as me. Guilt is just with me everywhere I go. It’s my curse.
These thoughts and subsequent debates in my head make it hard to feel focused in anything I do, and make it hard for me to find a level of comfort in my days. But I also think these thoughts have so much room to flourish because of a larger sense of void.
Finding comfort in normalcy…
I think we all need intention in our lives.
I think it is at the base of Maslow’s Hierarchy.
For me, I need to feel like I am really working on something. That what I’m doing matters and that I have a purpose to each of my days. That I have structure, schedule, routine and a focus.
I am aware that my mind works in over drive. Nothing is ever enough.
But when I don’t have a sense of intention, things just start to feel really scattered. I really struggle with how to use my time. Everything feels muddled.
I just want to be able to look at my life with a clear vision. I want to know what I’m doing in each moment. Be present in it. And lately I haven’t been able to do that.
I’m not sure if any of this makes sense. I’m simply thinking out loud.How Do You Find Intention In Your Life? Do you ever feel scattered or unfocused? #thinkingoutloud #intention #mindfulness #clarity #purpose #focus Click To Tweet
I have many questions for you, and would love any suggestions you could offer:
Do you ever feel really muddled or scattered?
Do you ever feel a heightened craving for structure, discipline, or routine? When/why do you think this happens?
When you are in-between jobs, or in a less busy phase of life, what do you do to bring yourself back to a sense of intention?
Do you have any suggestions for writing prompts? Goal setting/listing/organizing? Or day books that help you plan out your days so that you can feel focused and accomplished?