Well. It has come and it has gone.
This last week marked my last week at the theatre school. The official end of three years.
I closed out my shows after a second very successful week of runs. The shows kept getting better and better and were wonderfully received.
A Flea In Her Ear – George Feydeau
Following the final show we had our graduation ceremony and awards night.
I shared the stage with an amazing group of artists who I am going to miss dearly.
I was surprised with being the recipient of a wonderful award – and $500 bursary – for an actor who showed dedication, specifically in regards to the 30 minute one-person show I mentioned performing a couple months ago. I was really proud of that piece of work, so “heartwarming” doesn’t quite do my feelings justice.
I received a number of beautiful cards, comments, hugs and words of congratulations from friends, teachers, directors and all sorts of amazing people I have had in my life over these past three years.
My parents and Dan were here for it all. They were here for me.
…That thought will never fail t0 astound me.
Homemade bouquet from Dan… finally flowers I can’t kill!
The day after the graduation, I took them outside the city where we spent the day in the fresh air.
Scarborough Bluffs – Lake Ontario
We soaked up the lake breeze and scoped out birds
I took them to my favourite vegan cafe, Tori’s, where we all stocked up on my favorite treats.
A uniquely shaped cinnamon bun…and a broccoli cream cheese scone
Sunday night we ordered pizza, watched Zootopia, talked, and collapsed in bed.
I know this is an “exciting” time, and lord knows I am the first person to say that when met with any small talk conversation. But if I am going to be 100% honest with you, I’m not feeling much of that excitement at the moment.
I’m actually really surprised by what I’ve been feeling. A year ago – I was so excited for this day. I couldn’t wait to get out into the world. But for the last few weeks, and now that it has officially come…
I feel sad.
I feel scared.
I feel tired, worried, homesick, scared, sad, scared and…sad?
This wasn’t just your average school program. The amount of hours – 6 days a week, often 10 hours a day – I spent in this building, alongside the same people, doing what I love, is just too much to have it end so suddenly. It’s like I’ve jumped off a cliff into an immediate abyss. It was hard, tiring and had its fair share of ups and downs, but when it comes down to it, I was doing what I loved each and every day. I was around creatives. I was around people who supported me. I was constantly working to improve and better my craft. I always had somewhere to go; a structure; a home; a safety. How will I ever have this same feeling again? Will I feel like a lost amoeba? How will I ever again get the opportunity to have the time and space to dedicate myself and do what I love?
Things were sure easier when I didn’t let myself feel any of these things…. ha.
I guess I’d feel differently if I had had a more positive ending. ie: if I had been signed by an agent or had a theatre gig lined up. But because neither of those have happened as I – as much as I hate to admit it – expected they would, this ending is filled with more fear than I was armed for. I know jealousy is the thief of joy, but I think “expectation” needs to share the spotlight on that one.
So right now I’m feeling sad.
….and exhausted. Maybe I’m just tired. I’m really freaking tired.
I feel so much gratitude for my parents and Dan for being here. Unfortunately I’ve just been too tired and – who knows whatever else – to be able to show it much. But I am. I have an amazing world of support and love around me, and right now I just need to be thankful for this. I need to look back on my time and be grateful and proud for all that I’ve done. I know that work has been recognized, and I know I recognize it in my self. I just need to get the world to recognize it now, too. Maybe the excitement isn’t there right now. Maybe things are going to feel rocky and unbalanced for the next while as I find my footing. But there are things to be excited for. And I’m sure I’ll feel them soon.A New Chapter brings a mix of gratitude, sadness and fear. #newbeginnings #chapterclosed… Click To Tweet
I expect things will be returning to somewhat normalcy now. I am excited to get back to other things I enjoy… writing, baking, you guys etc. But before anything, I’m mostly feeling the need for a couple solid days of slowed down, open, me-time. Time to catch up with little life things. Time to just reflect, adjust, plan and think about my goals and motivations to carry me forward. So until then…
Thank you, Meg, for the Week In Review.
How do you feel when you are beginning a new chapter?
What is something you did last week?