This is so not how this week was supposed to go.
Things just feel so messy right now. I hope you don’t mind – but I’m needing to just do some in the moment-mind dump writing to get it out (a couple hours ago, this would have been much closer to a maddened rant, with a great use of capitol letters and exclamation marks. Lucky for you I’ve softened myself down with some dinner, Billie Holiday and quiet time on the couch). Skip down if you just want the food.
Today was supposed to be the first day where I had a bunch of free time where I could FINALLY take myself to a coffee shop and hunker down with my next script and finally move on to the to do list that has been growing and crawling all over my skin for the past few weeks. I had major plans at the beginning of the week to plow through this list and finally get to those things that I haven’t had any time to do – and I was SO excited to do so. The thought of this week coming has appeased my anxiety a number of times over the past couple of busy weeks.
But I should know better. Every time I feel like I have free time coming along on the horizon, SOMETHING comes in and slips into its place.
In short, I did a lot of work finding and prepping material for what I knew I would be working on at this time way back in September. On Monday, however, I was surprised by a redirection that is leading me to do just as much work as if I had done none in advance. I had a stressful day today searching for material and bustling around instead of relaxing and catching up on “me time” like I so desperately want. And now the script I’ve been dying to read – along with the rest of my to do list – will have to wait yet another week.
Why does my time keep getting robbed from me? I JUST WANT MY TIME BACK!!!
—–> My bedsheets that I washed on the weekend are STILL on my floor.
—–> I now have 4 nearly complete blog posts in my draft page that I keep writing and yet haven’t posted because I feel unfocused and my life and feelings seem to change on a dime so I never know what feels right to post. And things like this keep coming up where it feels more genuine to write in the moment.
—–> I haven’t baked in weeks. I WANT TO BAKE.
—–> It’s now taken me THREE months to get in to order new glasses. I have to physically move them around on my face to avoid the massive scratch clouds on the lenses.
And then… there’s food.
Me and food are just not on par with each other right now. There’s two parts going into this:
1) I feel in a major food rut. It’s like I don’t know what to make anymore! I don’t know what I want to eat – for any meal. I have no cravings, nothing really excites me. Nothing is even tasting that good. It’s like I can’t remember the meals that I used to make all the time that are my favorites. My mind is blank and food is blah.
2) I’m dealing with a lot of food guilt recently. It started to get bad last week during my theatre workshop. I felt angry at the time commitment and the timing of breaks. I was feeling stupid and embarrassed around working in groups and sharing my ideas. I’m 27 and those insecurities from when I was 8 still rear in their heads. I immediately turned those feelings into making myself feel stupid about what I have been eating. And boy did I make myself feel stupid about what I’ve been eating.
I’ve been feeling like I should start eating “healthier.” That I should stop eating “so much sugar” and start eating only whole foods. I haven’t been giving into these urges, but that just makes the guilt stronger. Between the food rut and the guilt, there’s just this weird tug-a-war of not caring what I eat but then feeling shitty BECAUSE I’m not caring what I eat. I also feel like I’m just in this really weird phase of my recovery where my mind still gets triggered and wants me to go back to being disciplined and eat only whole foods, but my body doesn’t even remember how to do that. Ugh its such a mind twist!!!
Anyways. I’m sorry for that massive unedited text purge. I’m stilling linking up for What I Ate Wednesday considering I did take the time to take pictures of my food today (Tuesday). One really positive aspect of this blog (of the many) is that it does continue to help me try and celebrate my food. Even if my eats felt bland and blah.
Thanks to the usual crew.
I used to alllllways eat oatmeal. That stopped a long while ago and got replaced by baked goods, apparently. I really do feel like I don’t know what to make for breakfast right now – yes, my favorite meal of the day. What do I usually eat!? I’ve retuned to plain old oatmeal in the last couple days to try and rekindle some past loves and get back to wholesome and healthy. It was alright.
1/2 cup rolled oats soaked overnight in 1 cup water and 1 tbsp greek yogurt (to help break down those phytonutrients) / chopped dates / salt /vanilla stevia / banana / peanut butter
I was excited to make egg salad because I had chives and fresh dill in my crisper. I made it with 2 eggs, mayo, chives and dill and stuffed it into a sweet potato. This is always one of my favorite combinations. But for some reason my egg salad really wasn’t that good. It was actually kind of bland?
Baked sweet potato / egg salad
As I worked… bakery bought cookies from my cupboard because I just want to get rid of things more than I care about what it is.
Americano / 2 chocolate crinkle cookies
With no cravings or ideas for what to cook, at least I still have a freezer stash so can just warm something up and be fed. I sided some leftover salmon noodle casserole with a plate of crispy ice berg lettuce. Weird – but Leah always gives me the craving. It was actually quite good.
Salmon Noodle Casserole (made with swiss cheese and fresh dill) / Iceberg lettuce (with salt and pepper post pic)
I finally have a new evening snack, as I’ve been wanting to get out of my too-many-cookies routine. I’ve been finding I just eat a plate of snacks at night without taking even a moment to taste it. And then I go back for more even though I don’t need more. Totally and completely un-mindful. Which I do not like and feel guilty about and yet I continue to do it night after night.
Chocolate Love Grown O’s + chocolate caramels / almond milk
…plus a second bowl of the same because see above and I can’t stop.
Blegh sorry guys. I know this won’t last. Food ruts are bound to be normal and I WILL get some free time at some point in the future… just not as early as I was hoping for. Then I just need to find some new recipes to spark my taste buds again and find time to make them.
Do you ever get into food ruts?
Do you ever find yourself unable to recall meals you used to like?
My journey with hypothalamic amenorrhea continues. My journey recovering from an eating disorder……