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Life is Messy: Food Ruts, Food Guilt and Where is My Time?

Ugh.

This is so not how this week was supposed to go. 

Things just feel so messy right now. I hope you don’t mind – but I’m needing to just do some in the moment-mind dump writing to get it out (a couple hours ago, this would have been much closer to a maddened rant, with a great use of capitol letters and exclamation marks.  Lucky for you I’ve softened myself down with some dinner, Billie Holiday and quiet time on the couch). Skip down if you just want the food.

Today was supposed to be the first day where I had a bunch of free time where I could FINALLY take myself to a coffee shop and hunker down with my next script and finally move on to the to do list that has been growing and crawling all over my skin for the past few weeks. I had major plans at the beginning of the week to plow through this list and finally get to those things that I haven’t had any time to do – and I was SO excited to do so. The thought of this week coming has appeased my anxiety a number of times over the past couple of busy weeks.

But I should know better. Every time I feel like I have free time coming along on the horizon, SOMETHING comes in and slips into its place.

In short,  I did a lot of work finding and prepping material for what I knew I would be working on at this time way back in September. On Monday, however,  I was surprised by a redirection that is leading me to do just as much work as if I had done none in advance. I had a stressful day today searching for material and bustling around instead of relaxing and catching up on “me time” like I so desperately want. And now the script I’ve been dying to read – along with the rest of my to do list – will have to wait yet another week.

Why does my time keep getting robbed from me? I JUST WANT MY TIME BACK!!!

—–> My bedsheets that I washed on the weekend are STILL on my floor.

—–> I now have 4 nearly complete blog posts in my draft page that I keep writing and yet haven’t posted because I feel unfocused and my life and feelings seem to change on a dime so I never know what feels right to post. And things like this keep coming up where it feels more genuine to write in the moment.

—–> I haven’t baked in weeks. I WANT TO BAKE.

—–> It’s now taken me THREE months to get in to order new glasses. I have to physically move them around on my face to avoid the massive scratch clouds on the lenses.

And then… there’s food.

Me and food are just not on par with each other right now. There’s two parts going into this:

1) I feel in a major food rut. It’s like I don’t know what to make anymore! I don’t know what I want to eat – for any meal. I have no cravings, nothing really excites me. Nothing is even tasting that good. It’s like I can’t remember the meals that I used to make all the time that are my favorites. My mind is blank and food is blah.

2) I’m dealing with a lot of food guilt recently. It started to get bad last week during my theatre workshop. I felt angry at the time commitment and the timing of breaks. I was feeling stupid and embarrassed around working in groups and sharing my ideas. I’m 27 and those insecurities from when I was 8 still rear in their heads. I immediately turned those feelings into making myself feel stupid about what I have been eating. And boy did I make myself feel stupid about what I’ve been eating.

I’ve been feeling like I should start eating “healthier.”  That I should stop eating  “so much sugar” and start eating only whole foods. I haven’t been giving into these urges, but that just makes the guilt stronger. Between the food rut and the guilt, there’s just this weird tug-a-war of not caring what I eat but then feeling shitty BECAUSE I’m not caring what I eat. I also feel like I’m just in this really weird phase of my recovery where my mind still gets triggered and wants me to go back to being disciplined and eat only whole foods, but my body doesn’t even remember how to do that. Ugh its such a mind twist!!!

Anyways. I’m sorry for that massive unedited text purge. I’m stilling linking up for What I Ate Wednesday considering I did take the time to take pictures of my food today (Tuesday). One really positive aspect of this blog (of the many) is that it does continue to help me try and celebrate my food. Even if my eats felt bland and blah.

WHAT-I-ATE-WEDNESDAY-NEW-BUTTON-PEAS-AND-CRAYONS

Thanks to the usual crew.

Breakfast:

I used to alllllways eat oatmeal. That stopped a long while ago and got replaced by baked goods, apparently. I really do feel like I don’t know what to make for breakfast right now – yes, my favorite meal of the day. What do I usually eat!? I’ve retuned to plain old oatmeal in the last couple days to try and rekindle some past loves and get back to wholesome and healthy. It was alright. oatmeal-pb-banana food ruts

1/2 cup rolled oats soaked overnight in 1 cup water and 1 tbsp greek yogurt (to help break down those phytonutrients)  / chopped dates / salt /vanilla stevia / banana / peanut butter

Lunch:

I was excited to make egg salad because I had chives and fresh dill in my crisper. I made it with 2 eggs, mayo, chives and dill and stuffed it into a sweet potato. This is always one of my favorite combinations. But for some reason my egg salad really wasn’t that good. It was actually kind of bland?

egg-salad-sweet-potato food ruts

 Baked sweet potato / egg salad 

Snack:

As I worked… bakery bought cookies from my cupboard because I just want to get rid of things more than I care about what it is.

crinkle-cookies food ruts

  Americano / 2 chocolate crinkle cookies

Dinner:

With no cravings or ideas for what to cook, at least I still have a freezer stash so can just warm something up and be fed. I sided some leftover salmon noodle casserole with a plate of crispy ice berg lettuce. Weird – but Leah always gives me the craving. It was actually quite good.

salmon-pasta food ruts

Salmon Noodle Casserole (made with swiss cheese and fresh dill) / Iceberg lettuce (with salt and pepper post pic)

Evening Snack:

I finally have a new evening snack, as I’ve been wanting to get out of my too-many-cookies routine. I’ve been finding I just eat a plate of snacks at night without taking even a moment to taste it. And then I go back for more even though I don’t need more. Totally and completely un-mindful. Which I do not like and feel guilty about and yet I continue to do it night after night.

cereal-night-snack food ruts

Chocolate Love Grown O’s  + chocolate caramels / almond milk

…plus a second bowl of the same because see above and I can’t stop. 

Blegh sorry guys. I know this won’t last. Food ruts are bound to be normal and I WILL get some free time at some point in the future…  just not as early as I was hoping for. Then I just need to find some new recipes to spark my taste buds again and find time to make them.

Food Click To Tweet

Tell me,

Do you ever get into food ruts?

Do you ever find yourself unable to recall meals you used to like? 

13 COMMENTS

  1. Jenny | 29th Nov 16

    Heya Cara,

    I love your blog- & I NEVER comment anywhere, but I just really wanted to let you know about ‘The Fuck It Diet’ – you may have checked it already- but seriously great website that has soooo much great advice for a lot of the things you are struggling with 🙂 Keep going- & seriously just ‘fuck it’ (check the website you’ll understand!) xoxo

  2. Jenny | 29th Nov 16

    Gah- *Cora (darn autocorrect)

    • Cora | 2nd Dec 16

      Think the first part of your comment got lost in whatever is going on with my site now 🙁

  3. Kristy from Southern In Law | 30th Nov 16

    Oh, girl! It sounds like you’ve been having a rough week!

    I suppose I get into food ruts – but I don’t really see them as that. Like, if I make a big batch of baked oatmeal – I’ll eat the same batch of baked oatmeal for breakfast until it runs out (usually with whatever fruit I have in the house/fridge and whatever nut butter I have open at the time) and then if I buy a loaf of bread or gluten free bagels, I’ll have a sandwich or a bagel with lunch until they run out. I suppose it is a rut – but more like “this is what I have and i’m going to eat it”? I don’t know, haha!

    • Cora | 2nd Dec 16

      Haha… I get this. Yeah, by the end of the week it can feel like a “rut,” though I agree that’s its more just out of efficiency. But maybe there’s a more creative way we can use up those week-long staples.

  4. Evangeline | 30th Nov 16

    I wish I could hop on a plane and come give you giant hug and bake for you. Food ruts are the bane of my existence. Okay maybe that’s dramatic, but they suck. I’ve been struggling with the “eating cleaner” thing too. Food lately has been light on the veggies and heavy on the sugar and comfort. I end up feeling guilty and “fluffy” instead of soaking up all the festive, family goodness. Blah.

    It seems like busy, activity filled seasons are often followed by calm, restful seasons. I hope a restful season is headed your way <3 Also, thanks for sharing your happy days and not so happy days. I find reading posts like this hugely comforting. They remind me that other people struggle with the same things I do.

    • Cora | 2nd Dec 16

      Ugh I wish that too! I could use a hug and homemade baking. Food guilt sucks. But its there. We can’t deny we feel them but I think just venting about it to others (aka vent to me!) makes it lose a lot of its power. Thanks so much Evangeline <3

  5. chasetheredgrape | 30th Nov 16

    I hate when time gets robbed from me too – especially when I have been planning for that moment or day. It literally shakes me up from my insides and flusters me so much…. Urgh I hate it. So I know exactly where you are coming from. All I can do to deal with it is allow myself to feel the way I feel, talk with others and let tomorrow be a new day. Feeling like this also allows those disordered thoughts to easily come back into our minds – all we can do is our best. Just do what you can food wise and pick your battles. You will know if it’s worth fighting.

    • Cora | 2nd Dec 16

      You nailed it exactly. I honestly think the worst part is just the fact that I was planning on and expecting the time. The notion of it coming was so engrained in my core. But you know – just reading the reminder to let myself feel how I feel made me feel a lot better. I think i’ve been hating on myself for feeling this way – I’ve been feeling like I must be so selfish to have to want all this time to myself, and feeling really whiny and complainy to those that I’ve been venting to. I keep just ticking one day off at a time and knowing there is another one coming. Thanks so much Jen.

  6. Stephanie Leduc | 1st Dec 16

    I can TOTALLY relate to the need and slight guilt to eating “too much” sugar. I am a sugar addict haha so I know well enough what you are going through, I eat something sugary or indulgent every single day and sometimes I wonder if that’s too much, but I don’t do anything about it either, some habits will never change!
    I don’t think you should beat yourself up too much, my days of eats are not nearly as prepared as yours are here, some days I find myself eating the saddest meals because I have no inspiration or food available (last week with my salad that was composed of purely lettuce and edamame.. that’s it… It was gross). Like you said, it will pass!! 🙂

    • Cora | 2nd Dec 16

      Thanks, Steph. Your salad sounds like my lunch yesterday… tuna, avocado, lettuce. Sometimes food is just functional and I think I’m just still learning to not be sad about this. But yes, this too will pass. I just hope it does very soon… Thank you for the reminder <3

  7. Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar | 2nd Dec 16

    I tried to comment yesterday and WordPress decided I was a bot. Try this again…
    First, I’m sorry about all the ughs. You already had a tough week last week what with not being super-thrilled about the workshop, and then having to re-do all that work on top of that must totally stink. I’m sorry.
    As for what you’re feeling about food ruts, I’m sorry. Of course, you know you’re eating healthfully, but I know just saying that won’t necessarily help the guilt thing a ton. I definitely know I’ve gone through major food ruts, especially post-recovery. I think part of it is just the fact that food was so hugely exciting when I finally allowed myself to eat it freely in the early stages of recovery, and then when I realized it had lost that excitement, it was actually really disappointing–something that had caused me a great deal of joy was sort of blah, sort of like hitting the blahs in a relationship when you get past that really exciting firsts stage. I’m not saying that’s what’s happening to you, by any means. I’m just saying, I relate to the food blahs and that they can be sort of irrationally discouraging. 🙁

    • Cora | 2nd Dec 16

      Aw thank you Joyce for trying a second time – I’m waiting on a couple emails to figure out whats going on with my site. What a bummer 🙁
      But YOU… are very wise. I think you actually are very right concerning the food rut feeling. I’m still under this notion that food should always be amazing and something special because for so long I’ve idolized it (what I would have through my restrictions) – so now that it is more often then not “just” food and doesn’t get me all excited I get bummed about it. I think because its lost so much of its power as being the only thing that brings me joy, its sometimes hard to see it as something that is just functional? I need to think on this more. Thanks again <3

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