Will someone please just take these damn thoughts out of my head?
Sorry guys. Sometimes to beat away thoughts, you’ve just got to get a little angry.
Over the last couple days, I’ve been bombarded with an onslaught of food guilt. Calorie counting and spinning numbers are looping around and around in my head like – to actually use the saying in complete accordance – a broken record. A really annoying, lumpy, scratched and stubborn broken record that you can’t get off the player.
I’ve been trying so hard lately to be good to myself. You guys have seen this. I’ve been working to give myself what I need/want and practicing self care. I am working SO HARD. So then WHY does something have to always come and tell me that I’ve been doing something so wrong!? Why does it have to make me feel like I’m out of control? Why do I have this perpetual longing to “do better?” Maybe it is because of my coffeeshop filled week. “Too many cinnamon buns,” “too many scones” is where my brain has now decided to land. It has latched on to the notion that I haven’t been eating well. Too many treats; too much late night chocolate; too much eating when I didn’t need to.
This always seems to happen. After a week where I am really working to show myself compassion, and feel good giving it to myself, something comes back and slaps me in the face for it the next week.
Granted, there is some reality behind it. I have been indulging in treats lately. Because they’ve elicited comfort. But is my idea of “too much” actually based on truth, or is it based on my idea of what too much is. Maybe it has just been a little too much.
I just wish these numbers would go away, you know? I wish I didn’t still have to fight against the goal to want to eat less. I wish I still didn’t find the notion of losing weight so alluring. So satisfactory. It all makes me so sad.
This may be more raw than I’ve been in a long time about this topic, but I’m here to be raw. It really sucks. It really, really sucks having these thoughts plague you down.
So…. now that that is out…
In my determination to continue to work toward compassion, I am making myself think of all the ways I can show myself love. It was Valentines Day yesterday, after all, so love in all kinds is fitting. And seeing how food is beautiful and makes me happy, its also fitting to team these thoughts of self love up with my What I Ate Wednesday eats.
Thanks to Laura and Arman for hosting
Letting myself sleep in. Twice now in three days.
Baking a beautiful gluten free beet coconut loaf (based loosely on this recipe) because a) hidden veggies make me happy b) aquafaba is soooo cool and c) look how beautiful
Gluten Free Beet Coconut Loaf / peanut butter / blueberries
Taking a picture of said beautiful food and smiling at the colors
Hello pink. And to think, I wasn’t even thinking about Valentine’s day
Going back for more peanut butter, post picture, because there are still some naked bites left
Putting whole tablespoons of honey into my tea because a) my throat still really hurts and b) the more there is the better it tastes
Honey Lemon Tea with extra extra honey
Putting on beautiful music in my apartment —-> If you are feeling like listening to the most romantic, beautiful music ever, go find Elbow’s new album “Little Fictions“
Staying home for lunch, listening to above mentioned music, and plating my food on an actual plate
Kale salad with creamy turmeric hemp dressing / thai tuna patty / baked sweet potato
Making this creamy turmeric hemp seed dressing because a) it is chalk FULL of good for me things and b) again… look how pretty
Basically just making beautiful food in general
Letting myself cry
Calling a family member when I feel at my lowest and telling them I am struggling with stupid thoughts
Salmon noodle casserole / steamed brussel spouts, broccoli, mushrooms
And then going to a cafe to write a blog post telling the jack-ass thoughts to get out of here
Eating a dinner that reminds me of my Dad and makes me feel the comfort of home
Appreciating the flowers given to me after opening night of my performance
Opening night flowers
Lying down and relaxing and just letting my thoughts sink
Coming home at 11 pm to a quiet house, more tea, more honey, and chocolate.
More honey-ed tea / dark chocolate
Sometimes these things work. Sometimes they only work very slightly. Whether they make me feel “better” or not, I know that they are signs of showing myself love, which over the long run, will make for change.
I may not have given myself a card, but these things are my Happy Valentines Day to me.
Happy Valentines Day to you!How Do You Show Yourself Love? #happyvalentinesday #selflove #recovery #eatingdisorder Click To Tweet
How do you show yourself love?
How do you tell harmful thoughts to get lost?
My journey with hypothalamic amenorrhea continues. My journey recovering from an eating disorder……