logo
Food Advertising by

Happy Valentine’s Day To Me (What I Ate Wednesday)

Will someone please just take these damn thoughts out of my head?

Sorry guys. Sometimes to beat away thoughts, you’ve just got to get a little angry.

Over the last couple days, I’ve been bombarded with an onslaught of food guilt. Calorie counting and spinning numbers are looping around and around in my head like – to actually use the saying in complete accordance – a broken record. A really annoying, lumpy, scratched and stubborn broken record that you can’t get off the player. 

I’ve been trying so hard lately to be good to myself.  You guys have seen this. I’ve been working to give myself what I need/want and practicing self care. I am working SO HARD. So then WHY does something have to always come and tell me that I’ve been doing something so wrong!? Why does it have to make me feel like I’m out of control? Why do I have this perpetual longing to “do better?” Maybe it is because of my coffeeshop filled week. “Too many cinnamon buns,” “too many scones” is where my brain has now decided to land. It has latched on to the notion that I haven’t been eating well. Too many treats; too much late night chocolate; too much eating when I didn’t need to. 

This always seems to happen. After a week where I am really working to show myself compassion, and feel good giving it to myself, something comes back and slaps me in the face for it the next week. 

Granted, there is some reality behind it. I have been indulging in treats lately. Because they’ve elicited comfort. But is my idea of “too much” actually based on truth, or is it based on my idea of what too much is. Maybe it has just been a little too much.

I just wish these numbers would go away, you know? I wish I didn’t still have to fight against the goal to want to eat less. I wish I still didn’t find the notion of losing weight so alluring. So satisfactory. It all makes me so sad. 

This may be more raw than I’ve been in a long time about this topic, but I’m here to be raw. It really sucks. It really, really sucks having these thoughts plague you down. 

So…. now that that is out…

In my determination to continue to work toward compassion, I am making myself think of all the ways I can show myself love.  It was Valentines Day yesterday, after all, so love in all kinds is fitting. And seeing how food is beautiful and makes me happy, its also fitting to team these thoughts of self love up with my What I Ate Wednesday eats.

Thanks to Laura and Arman for hosting 

 

Letting myself sleep in. Twice now in three days. 

Baking a beautiful gluten free beet coconut loaf  (based loosely on this recipe) because a) hidden veggies make me happy  b) aquafaba is soooo cool and c) look how beautiful

Breakfast:

self love wiaw

Gluten Free Beet Coconut Loaf  / peanut butter / blueberries

Taking a picture of said beautiful food and smiling at the colors

self love wiaw

Hello pink. And to think, I wasn’t even thinking about Valentine’s day  

Going back for more peanut butter, post picture, because there are still some naked bites left

Putting whole tablespoons of honey into my tea because a) my throat still really hurts and b) the more there is the better it tastes

self love wiaw

Honey Lemon Tea with extra extra honey

Putting on beautiful music in my apartment   —-> If you are feeling like listening to the most romantic, beautiful music ever, go find Elbow’s new album “Little Fictions

Staying home for lunch, listening to above mentioned music, and plating my food on an actual plate

Lunch:

self love wiaw

Kale salad with creamy turmeric hemp dressing / thai tuna patty / baked sweet potato 

Making this creamy turmeric hemp seed dressing because a) it is chalk FULL of good for me things and b) again… look how pretty

Basically just making beautiful food in general

Letting myself cry

Calling a family member when I feel at my lowest and telling them I am struggling with stupid thoughts

Dinner:

self love wiaw

Salmon noodle casserole / steamed brussel spouts, broccoli, mushrooms 

And then going to a cafe to write a blog post telling the jack-ass thoughts to get out of here

Eating a dinner that reminds me of my Dad and makes me feel the comfort of home

Appreciating the flowers given to me after opening night of my performance 

self love wiaw

Opening night flowers

Lying down and relaxing and just letting my thoughts sink

Coming home at 11 pm to a quiet house, more tea, more honey, and chocolate. 

Snack:

self love wiaw

More honey-ed tea / dark chocolate 

Sometimes these things work. Sometimes they only work very slightly. Whether they make me feel “better” or not, I know that they are signs of showing myself love, which over the long run, will make for change.

I may not have given myself a card, but these things are my Happy Valentines Day to me. 

Happy Valentines Day to you!

How Do You Show Yourself Love? #happyvalentinesday #selflove #recovery #eatingdisorder Click To Tweet

Tell me,

How do you show yourself love?

How do you tell harmful thoughts to get lost? 

31 COMMENTS

  1. chasetheredgrape | 15th Feb 17

    You are doing your best. Please remember that. What your best actually is will change on a daily basis dependant on your situation – so your best on a day without those thoughts are one thing and your best on a day with those thoughts is another. You must acknowledge that your best is good enough always.
    I am glad though that when times are tough you are calling someone to talk it though. I know others never really have the answer but simply releasing how we feel is golden. ๐Ÿ™‚
    chasetheredgrape recently posted…Sharing the love 5 ways #5TTTMy Profile

    • Cora | 17th Feb 17

      Thanks, Jen. This helped me give myself some perspective. And yes – just simply talking is all that is needed. I used to stop myself from calling because I’d think, “well what will they even say? They can’t fix it.” but now I call knowing that even if they are silent, I just need to get it out of me.

  2. Kate | 15th Feb 17

    How nice would it be to forget all the numbers and let go of all the imaginary pressures once placed by ourselves? I hope that you believe this is just a road bump and make no judgement of your amazing recovery. Other than indulging in sweets, what else is going on? Things okay with your relationship? Are you stressed? Not sleeping well? Tend to your heart! <3
    I personally tell the harmful thoughts to get lost by putting them into perspective. I consider what I've gained by letting them go and that helps me push on.
    Kate recently posted…Love in a bowlMy Profile

    • Cora | 17th Feb 17

      I definitely know this has all rooted out from something deeper going on. I think I may know, but I’m still trying to get a handle on it. Basically I know I’m facing a lot of subconscious self consciousness/jealousy/worry surrounding stuff to do with acting and graduating soon and getting parts etc etc. So I know all of that going on under the surface is coming out in all these other crazy – really out of control feeling – ways. I just wish I could use that knowledge to make them lessen. Thanks, Kate. <3

  3. Susie @ Suzlyfe | 15th Feb 17

    The fact that something that “should be easy” is hard for you is no statement about who you are as a person. Think about it. Some people find math hard, or reading. Some people could not, if you paid them, stand up in front of a crowd and perform (congrats, by the way!). You find being kind to yourself hard. That doesn’t mean you are less of a person, it just means that your brain finds certain computations a bit more challenging. So you have to work a bit harder at them. We all must work a little bit harder than someone else at something.
    Susie @ Suzlyfe recently posted…How to Continue Your Running Education (+ Giveaway!)My Profile

    • Cora | 17th Feb 17

      Oh suz how are you so brilliant? This was a perspective I’d never really thought of – at least in this way – before. It really helped me feel some compassion and acceptance about this all. Thank you.

  4. Heather @ Polyglot Jot | 15th Feb 17

    I tell obsessive thoughts to go away and I write down compliments to myself to replace them. It’s hard ๐Ÿ™ Glad you enjoyed some tasty food. I LOVE honey in my tea when I’m not feeling good!
    Heather @ Polyglot Jot recently posted…WIAW: Rainy SundayMy Profile

    • Cora | 17th Feb 17

      That sounds very hard. But that probably means I should do it. Thanks, Heather.

  5. Jamie@TheMomGene | 15th Feb 17

    Showing myself love often means getting out of my own head. It’s playing with the kids or going for a walk or refusing to listen to kid music in the car and letting Wilco play instead. We can be mean judges of ourselves and our capabilities, but kindness is a muscle. I’m in strength-training.
    Jamie@TheMomGene recently posted…To the Man Who Calls My IVF Children IllegitimateMy Profile

    • Cora | 18th Feb 17

      It is a muscle – and I think very few people win the kindness-crossfit-championships. Everyday, even little acts, makes it a bit easier the next time. A slow process, but it is happening. I hope for the both of us. Wilco is a good choice ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Emily Swanson | 15th Feb 17

    Taking time to just make that food beautiful and appreciate all of God’s manifestations of His beauty in it always always helps me to get my head off of the calorie counting. I totally agree with Jamie, that often it means getting out of our heads. Sometimes I like listening to music or watching something with my family while eating a meal to not ‘focus’ on the food. And you did enjoy some AMAZING food too.
    Emily Swanson recently posted…A Single Galโ€™s Thoughts on Valentineโ€™s Day + WIAW!My Profile

    • Cora | 18th Feb 17

      Seeing the beauty of the colors of meals really does help me too. It makes me remember that there is so much more importance and joy to come from food than calories etc etc etc.

  7. Patricia @Sweet and Strong | 15th Feb 17

    Uh obsessive thoughts are the worst! I would just try to stay busy to keep your mind off of things. I always notice a change in my body after a week of treats and while it’s hard I try not to punish myself but just remember these feelings will go away. You had some delicious healthy eats on Valentines day!
    Patricia @Sweet and Strong recently posted…Kamagon Ball WorkoutMy Profile

    • Cora | 18th Feb 17

      The feelings do always go away… eventually… so sometimes its a matter of just finding a way to get us through until that happens. Distraction, and for me lately – naps, sometimes are the easiest choice.

  8. Lyss | 15th Feb 17

    I am praying that those mean thoughts go away Cora. I’m proud of you for doing your best to not listen to them!! Showing yourself love is crucial and you gotta give yourself some credit for all the effort your putting into that. I hope you have a lovely day girl!
    Lyss recently posted…A Weekend of Intuitive EatingMy Profile

    • Cora | 18th Feb 17

      Thanks, Lyss. Although those things aren’t really working to make me feel better right now, I AM giving myself a lot of credit for trying, regardless. <3

  9. Evangeline | 15th Feb 17

    Thinking about you today and sending all my love, Cora. I don’t have any profound advice or encouragement, but I will say that all you can do is be consistent. Those frustrating feelings and looping thoughts come, but your reaction to them is key. It looks like you did what you needed to do to be consistent and tell them they don’t belong. Just the act of taking those steps to show yourself a little love is sometimes more important than whether or not they actually make you feel better…if that makes sense.

    Also, baking with aquafaba is on my bucket list, but I’m scared. Chickpea juice is intimidating.
    Evangeline recently posted…Coconut Banana Graham Muffins (vegan + refined sugar free)My Profile

  10. Sarah @ Bucket List Tummy | 15th Feb 17

    I like using writing, reading and long walks to cope with negative thoughts. For writing, I like to make a list of all the positives – whether they be traits about myself, things I’m looking forward to, things i’ve done in the past, things i”m capable of. I’m so jealous of your baking accomplishments each week, have you made a list of how many recipes you’ve tried? That would be cool! And sleeping in…one of my favorite forms of self love ๐Ÿ™‚
    Sarah @ Bucket List Tummy recently posted…8 Things From the Week and Last Long Run Before AustinMy Profile

    • Cora | 18th Feb 17

      That’s a perfect idea, Sarah. I wish I could get myself to do this more. I am going to. Next time I get time with my journal. Thank you so much for the reminder.
      Aha oh god I have not made a list, BUT one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place was to be able to keep record of all the things I make (so I can also have a place to go back and remember my favorite recipes). I’m a bit of an addict, I suppose?

  11. Ellie Pell | 15th Feb 17

    Ew I hate having roaming thoughts in my head! They really suck and usually I just let them pass. It’s not easy and sometimes I avoid them by working on something else or going outside. Beet bread? I’m curious…
    Ellie Pell recently posted…Take The ComplimentMy Profile

    • Cora | 18th Feb 17

      Ew is right. I wish I could just “let them pass.” I mean – I’m definitely at the place where I don’t give in to them but they are still there and that fact alone gets me down. Distraction is the best – which usually comes in the form of being with family, being outside, or lately… napping.

  12. Casey the College Celiac | 15th Feb 17

    I’m sorry you’re having a hard week. Sometimes it’s so hard to shut down thoughts that aren’t doing you any good. I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I’m hoping you have an awesome, stress-free, anxious-thought-free week ahead! And that coconut loaf looks AMAZING!
    Casey the College Celiac recently posted…Why You Don’t Need to Be 100% Healthy to Be 100% Worthy of LoveMy Profile

    • Cora | 18th Feb 17

      Thanks, Casey. Often there aren’t really “words of wisdom” that are needed in these times. It is simply someone saying “I hear you”…. so that’s all I needed <3.

  13. Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar | 15th Feb 17

    It sounds like we did have some very similar struggles this week. Sigh. We work so hard to give ourselves compassion, and it just doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to sometimes. I’m sorry, friend. Thanks for doing your best to take care of yourself this Valentine’s. (How did opening night go? I know you said Dan was coming to your performance. Post-performance roses are the sweetest thing!) Happy late Valentine’s, Cora!
    Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar recently posted…WIAW: Why Is This So Hard?My Profile

    • Cora | 18th Feb 17

      Yep. Its very disheartening when our attempts at compassion — all those things we are told and taught we need to go to make all this GO AWAY —- don’t end up helping us out. But alas. We have to believe that they will, one day, the more we keep fighting for them. Opening night, and the whole run, has been going really really well. Thank you for asking! Dan did come up on Valentines day and saw my show. He isn’t really into V-day, but he did bring me a muffin and heart shaped big shortbread cookie, so, that’s still a win.

  14. Kristy from Southern In Law | 16th Feb 17

    Oh, girl! I am sorry you’ve been having a rough time lately. I have to admit – my thoughts haven’t been so sunshine filled lately either. I’m feeling a little defeated and sore and sorry for myself and even though I am trying so hard to care for myself, it’s not good.

    I am so glad, however, that you made sure to show yourself some extra love this V Day! This week I’ve been showing myself love by getting a massage (even though that was a fail, haha), taking lots of time out of my work days to read (even though I have heaps of work on – I need that mental break) and by eating lots of chocolate and nutella brownies ๐Ÿ˜‰
    Kristy from Southern In Law recently posted…Recent Things: Piggy Puns, Massage Fails and Creepy StatuesMy Profile

    • Cora | 18th Feb 17

      Oh noooo. I’m sorry to hear this Kristy. Especially with your natural lively temperament, I know how hard these times are for you. You did so many things to try and beat these thoughts away though – which in of itself I hope you are proud of. Even “failed” massages are better than no massages, and naps are necessary to be able to get that “work” you have to do done. And chocolate. Is just necessary. Thinking of you and hoping the end of this week you’ve felt more like yourself again!

  15. Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets | 17th Feb 17

    It’s OK to have these thoughts still so long as you recognize them for what they are, and you absolutely do. Also I’m so happy you reached out and called someone at home to talk you through it. I’m equally as thrilled you focused on self love too. As someone on the outside looking in, I can see you’re really doing great, better than you realize.
    Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets recently posted…Postpartum Depression and AnxietyMy Profile

    • Cora | 18th Feb 17

      Thanks, Meg. At this stage these thoughts are much more just disheartening rather than reactive. I definitely do see them for what they are… but just seeing that still gets me down. I’m glad I’ve gotten out of my fears of calling to talk to people, even knowing there’s not much they can say, because getting that shit out of our own brains is what fights it away the best.

  16. Kaylee | 18th Feb 17

    Intrusive eating thoughts around calories, portion sizes, ingredients and control have been constantly on my mind as of late. As one of the intern tasks, I have to place the dinner orders for the rest of my teammates. Most of which are online with the nutritional information just screaming at me. And I have honestly been giving in and ordering based off of that rather than get what I am truly craving. Plus, it doesn’t help when other people are unintentionally saying so many triggering things. It’s amazing how hyper aware one becomes around all the negative messages around body image and food that there are.

    On a lighter note, those dollops of peanut butter look divine.

    Belated happy Valentine’s day to us all, Cora! I hope you can carry this sense of compassion for yourself with you throughout all the other days of the years too. Also, if you ever need to chat, I want you to know that I am here for you and only a message away.
    Kaylee recently posted…Recent Eats: FebruaryMy Profile

    • Cora | 22nd Feb 17

      And same to you, Kaylee. I can’t believe you have to make the dinner orders for everyone… and of course, in this day and age, the nutritional info is going to be there screaming at you, unable to be avoided. UGH I hate this!!! My biggest pet peeve right now. I have to admit I would also be sucked into choosing by the number :(. So…. I guess we just have to dig inside ourselves and next time, maybe once this week?, each choose something we know is higher in that “number” and remind ourself that is is for the GOOD of our bodies. I’m up for it if you are. Thinking of you and hoping your work days are going okay.

Leave A Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

logo
Food Advertising by