Disclaimer: As much as this following post is going to seem like a pity party, it actually isn’t. I feel grounded and am just choosing to write out some factual realities that I am feeling.
I threw out my back.
Even though I’ve lived nearly my entire life with some sort of back pain/discomfort – thanks, genetics – and even though I’ve been suffering from a disabling locked SI joint and hip tighness for the last 2-3 years, never have I had something happen to my back where I am disabled and in tears.
I don’t know exactly how it happened. I was sitting on my couch last night, made the slightest movement to grab my tea cup, and *cinch*… I was no longer able to bend my low back in any which way.
Yes, it’s awful. It hurts and I can’t move. But the worst part is that I know I’ve brought this upon myself.
I know I’ve been careless with stretching. I know I’ve been careless with how I move and treat my body. I know I did an exercise class this weekend where I did not use proper form and rather felt heavy weight and exertion was more important.
My back has been quite bad these last couple of weeks (in its “normal” bad way) and in order to lessen the discomfort in the short term I’ve been stretching too harshly and in ways that were probably doing more harm than good. I have not been compassionate or taking it easy. Rather, I’ve been pushing past the discomfort and taking my body completely for granted.
I know that this is a norm for me. When I get jacked up, I go to the gym and push past my limits and choose adrenaline over form. And then I pay the consequences. But I never seem to learn. I just do it again the next time.
Honestly? I’m scared for my future. I’m scared for my health. And its not just the thrown out back. That’s just serving as my current reminder that I need to stop taking my body for granted.
I have hypothalamic amenhorrhea. Will I ever get my period back? Chances are high I’ll never be able to have children.
I have no estrogen. I very well may grow up to have osteoporosis.
I’m underweight. Will I ever actually change this?
I’m not even 30 and have chronic back pain.
No I’m NOT pitying myself. But I am asking, what needs to happen to finally drill in to my head “enough?” When will I finally choose to put my health first? When will I “learn?” Is there still time to fix all these things? I want to live a long life without ailments. I don’t want to be crippled when I’m 60 or have early onset osteoporosis.
Yet I continue to take my body for granted.
Taking care of your body does not just mean what you eat or how much you weigh. It means being able to take deep natural breaths and not walk around with your shoulders so tense they nearly touch your ears. It means not slouching your spine as you sit in front of a computer all day. It means not running if your knee is hurting. It means not cracking your back, your neck, your fingers and toes 10 times a day. It means eating enough calories to keep your bones, muscles and organs cushioned. It means eating lots of vegetables to fight free radical damage. It means talking out your feelings and doing what makes you happy and inspired.
It means so many things. Some of these things I have learned, and can happily say I’ve come a long way with. But others I still have to choose to make priority. This is my long journey towards health. I hope I get there one day.
Today was a pretty slow day, so I had time to take pictures of my food. I didn’t think I’d be writing this type of post tonight but I figure I might as well still share the pictures I took. After all… food is still a major part of taking care of your body. Just so happens that I had a pretty darn nutritious day.
Thanks to the What I Ate Wednesday Crew
An early rehearsal meant a simple, smaller – albeit delicious – start to the day. Simple breakfasts steal my heart.
Thick slab of Meg’s Acorn Squash Strawberry loaf / banana / cashew butter / hemp hearts / decaf
A combination I discovered a couple years ago and continues to be one of my go-to “throw together” meals. So many good things washed down with some digestive probiotics in the form of (spiccccy) kimchi.
Ground beef in tomato sauce / steamed greens / zucchini noodles / roasted sweet potato / kimchi / avocado
An apple a day…?
Apple with a side of wet snow
If there’s any dinner that makes me feel like I’m giving my body a mega surge of nutrition, its these babies. They may look dainty but this meal is super satisfying. They’re stocked with sunflower seeds, nutritional yeast, taters and veggies. Not to mention some good calcium from the tahini “mayo.”
Veggie Hash stacks / arugala spinach mix / tahini “mayo”
Took out my container of christmas treats from home. Wish they could last all year but I guess the sentimentality would go down.
Christmas biscotti / fudge / blueberries / pear
What could you start doing… right now.. today… to start taking better care of yourself?
Have you had to learn any tough lessons about taking care of your body?
Do you believe in “never too late?”
My journey with hypothalamic amenorrhea continues. My journey recovering from an eating disorder……