Oh you guys,
Well the time has come. The cluster of days where your blog feeds are swarmed with post after post of New Years reflections, “best of” roundups, resolutions and goals for the new year to come. Last year I wrote a post that still very much sticks with me. It was the first time I let go of this sense of new years “goal” making, and rather began my journey into a more compassionate mindset regarding the progression of my life. I’ve had many years of clinging to expectations, making goals, and believing full heartedly I would reach some sort of new milestone – and either experiencing negative, rather than positive, connotations, or feeling shame for thinking I could be so “silly” as to believe I’d be somewhere else by “x” time. So I’ve given that up. I’ve given up goal making and replaced it with a raised level of mindfulness: mindfulness for where I am, what I’m doing, what is working, what I’d like to change… but with more grace to let those changes happen as they are meant to.
“Grace will be sufficient for whatever lies ahead” – Anne Lammott
I wasn’t sure if I’d even put out a post for the New Year, but a little conformity got the best of me and I decided I couldn’t let this imaginary line of “newness” pass without putting in my say. I’m a sucker for the deep.
Of course I am aware of things I would like – I always have wishes and desires lingering in the back of my mind. I could list out little things like I want to collect less things, eat more whole foods, connect more with others, live more simply…But I also know that I need to live my life one day at a time, for plans seem to be a favorite thing for this so called life of ours to mess around with.
This is a big year coming up or me. I graduate from my theatre conservatory mid April. In the next three months, I have three large shows to rehearse and perform. One of which, as I’ve mentioned, is Midsummer Night’s Dream where I will be playing Theseus and Oberon (the King of the Fairies). These are big parts, and I’m both flattered, surprised, grateful, and nervous as all heck to have been cast. They are powerful and challenging parts and I will be putting every speck of passion and energy I have into giving them my all. This being said, these next few months are also “prime time,” if you will, for having casting directors and agents come to see me and – potentially – get myself signed. (Yeah… sort of feels like athletes in high school trying to get scouted…). I will be inviting agents to see my work, I will be taking part in a large show case where all sorts of directors and agents will be in attendance – “scouting out” future talent – and I will be applying to all sorts of auditions for jobs and productions for after I graduate.
Basically, in April, I am back to “reality.” You guys have only known me as I’ve been in training mode in this conservatory, so this will be quite the change for both of us! I will be entering a life, once again, of audition after audition after audition; applying applying applying; putting myself out there in ways that do not come naturally to me, and…. frequent disappointment and rejection. That’s just the way this industry is. I’ve been there before, so I am very open and prepared for the realities of what I am entering into.
But I’m also hella excited.
I mentioned, in the past couple months, my discovery of “The Desire Map,” and wrote about this sense of basing goals upon how you want to feel. I want to take this notion with me into the new year, and have been thinking of words that describe the most important aspects of how I want to feel as the months go on.
I said in my initial post that I want to feel grounded and focused. If there’s anything I’ve learned over the past year, it is that I really hate feeling anxious. I hate that feeling up being tense and rowled up. Nothing good can be accomplished out of tension. This goes both for my acting and for life. With acting, you simply cannot access your emotions and respond intuitively, or with truth, if your body OR your mind is wrapped up in tension. My ability to let go has improved greatly this year, I think, but this is something I will be continuing to work on as this next year comes. Knowing that out of everything, my deepest internal desire is to feel at ease, I’ve been playing with the words “ease,” and “acceptance.” But to this I’d also like to add “confidence” and… this is a bit of a weird one….. “propelled.”
My highschool volleyball coach always used to tell us,
“Play cool…. play confident…. play to win.”
This still sticks with me to this day.
…And this is how I want to play.
I’ve had people in the past tell me I carry a “quiet confidence.” I am not a loud person. I do not talk much in groups, and speaking highly of myself is about as comfortable as yanking a corset around your boobs. But I’ve learned that confidence does not have to be about fluffing up your chest and praising your talents to the hill tops. Or at least, it simply won’t be with me. But I do want to remain confident this year. I know I have talent. I know I have something to share and offer and I know I can learn and will work hard to do what any director asks of me. I want to go into each audition room with that “quiet confidence,” knowing inside that I deserve to be there. When and if I do not get the job… I will know that there are a gazillion other reasons that played a part in their decision making. And then I will move on. Which takes me to my next word.
I couldn’t put my finger on the word that described this next aspect of how I want to feel, so “propelled” is the best I could get. This next year, I do not want to – for one moment – let go of my passion and my desire to continue going for my dream. I want to keep my mind percolating with future ideas, plans, creative endeavors…. I’m not saying I will do them all! That is NOT a goal I will be forcing upon myself! But just keeping that fire burning inside me, to keep me moving from one audition to the next, from one rejection onward. I do not want to become stagnant. Not for one moment. Always moving forward. Always feeling propelled. To my next hope, my next excitement, my next audition.
And to keep this sense of quiet confidence, to keep my head grounded and propelled, I will need to keep my other words, “ease,” and “acceptance,” at the ready. To do this, I will have to remain mindful. I will need to be selfish with my protection devices and continue taking care of myself with comfort and compassion as I have been learning how to do. Caffeine? I’m going to need to continue to be mindful of when it feels safe and when it is a coping mechanism. Stretching, meditating and breathing exercises will need to continue to be a large part of my daily life. And continuing to not feel ashamed of my increased need for alone time and solitude will be continued work.
“Document the moments you feel most in love with yourself. What you’re wearing, who you’re around, what you’re doing. Recreate and repeat. – girlpoweryouareenough instagram account
Acceptance does NOT imply I will become a wet rag waiting around for fate to hand me its cards (remember my post about fatalism?), but means I will be working to find that balance between hard work, constant movement – and letting go.
So here’s to a new year.
May I feel
And consistently propelled in my passion.
“My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are. To astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness. Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart.” – Maya Angelou
Happy New Year to you! And thank you…thank you…. for everything you’ve given me this year. Truly.What are your words for the new year? How do you want to feel most of all? #ease #acceptance #confidence #propelled #newyear Click To Tweet
What is/are your “words” for the new year?
I am 200% not a relationship expert. Let’s get that out right now…